Friday, September 25, 2009

I started this post half a dozen times in the past week, but nothing felt right. Now, of course, I have so much to say and not sure where to start or how even to title it.

Let me start with this:

I've had both writer's block and an emotional block these last few weeks. Not sure what to feel, what to write, so I chose not to write anything. Our dear, dear friends who have been married for 25+ years are in crisis. He asked her for a divorce a few weeks ago and it has me feeling unsettled and scared. All marriages go through rough times, and the divorce rate in our country is so high, yet when it hits so close to home, it's unsettling.

There have been other developments going on at our house too. We've seemed to settle in to a rough around the edges "normal." The boys are doing better; the girls are doing great -- you would think they were in the womb together the way they interact with one another. Last week, we had to put them in separate rooms at night because one of them was doing the "instigating" but I couldn't figure out which one it was. Well, the other night, David put them to bed; I was at church and came home to find them in the bed, nose to nose talking up a storm. It was the sweetest thing I have ever seen. Somehow, they were meant to be sisters.

I, on the other hand, have been struggling with some stuff these last few months and finally can "see the light." I've been praying fervently that God will change my heart, give me peace, and joy and contentment in motherhood. Honestly, I'm a typical Type A personality that needs to see goals being accompished, items on my to-do list checked off. I need to see progress. And looking at a sink full of dirty dishes all day does nothing for my temperment.

But maybe I'm starting to realize that accomplishing nothing, or very little, is a good thing. Does it mean I'm more focused on nurturing my children, and just "being" instead of being driven to complete something worldly and tangible?

I've been doing a lot of researh on homeschooling lately and a dear friend directed me to this website as a resource she uses to homeschool her children. She's the "homeschooling" veteran, and honestly, I needed some advise from a veteran. I've been doing my research, knowing God has preparing me for this, yet still feeling incredibly fearful and unsettled. Yet, this website, http://www.jeanniefulbright.com/ stopped me dead in my tracks. It really captured exactly what I've been struggling with.

Today, at the gym, I had this realization: some women were born to be mothers, others grow into the role, sometimes kicking and screaming. I, I'm afraid to admit, fall into the latter category. I was born into a family of very selfish people; selfishness is something I never had to work hard it.....it just came naturally to me. And being a mother, well, we have to give it up and I've been struggling with holding on to just a little, itty-bitty piece of me. And then this encouraging page on Jeannie's website set me free. The irony, if there is any, is that I just read the Oswald Chambers devotion a week or so ago about this same subject: "Forgetting About Me." I just love how God reaffirms to me exactly what I need to hear, just in case I didn't get it the first time! I can be a little stubborn, you know!

Slowly, a peacefulness has started to creep over my ugliness. My patience is increasing....I'm laughing, I'm enjoying my children, and I'm working on being less "self-aware." This is a season, one I hope I can look back on as joyful, even through the struggles.

And through all of the chaos in this transition, I continue to see God and how awesome He is. Big S accepted Jesus as His Savoir this week and I was honored to be able to walk him through the Prayer of Salvation. What an incredible honor and a gift that God gave me in that moment.

So, what you ask, was it that "set me free?" This very simple sentence. I hope you too can be set free by it!

"If we forget about ourselves and look only to God, then we will truly be able to love others as He calls us to do." Jeannie Fulbright

Friday, September 4, 2009

Yesterday I Fell......

The day finally happened; I knew it would; I just didn't know when. Yet there were moments during the last few months when I thought this day was a long, long way off.

Yesterday I fell. Not the normal clumsiness that one would expect from me.


Yesterday I fell, head over heals, hopelessly in love with my son.


Look at him....how could you not????
That smile illuminates his face....lights up a room.
His sense of humor took a lot getting used to.
Ironic for a family whose sense of humor is strange and warped, to say the least.




















"Sees," my cute, adorable nickname for him. Rhymes with "grease" or "piece." Well, he's been having quite the time in school. All summer he begged and pleaded with me about school: "Mom....when do I go to school?" Now, all I hear is: "Mom,,,,,I don't want to go to school." And then yesterday, "Mom, instead of a chicken coop (Ok....don't ask...you really don't want to know), can Daddy build a schoolhouse in the backyard so we can learn there?"

My heart fell to my knees......in a million pieces. It was then, at that moment, that I realized that he was just as much my child as my other children. I was hopelessly in love with him...I was "Momma Bear" and would protect him to the bitter end.


Prior to that, honestly, and ashamed, I really struggled. He gave me the most challenges, and still does in some ways. He just seemed to find those buttons that would send mommy immediately to the edge....and PUSH them, repeatedly.


Yet, he's the one that tells me over and over again "Mommy, I love you" or "I need 'Mommy love'" or my personal favorite "You're MY mommy." He is very much like me......his love language is 'physical touch' and no matter how much you hug and love on him, it's like there is a hole in his bucket. The more I shower him with love, hugs and affirmation, the more he needs.


This week, we worked it out with his teacher to give a presentation to his class on Ethiopia. We titled it "Ethiopia: Where I'm From." Most, if not all, of his classmates had NO CLUE that he had only been in America for two months. Most took the news with shock and surprise. Others, shockingly, told me they too were from another country: West Virginia and Texas. Whew....didn't see that coming!


Public school is new to us. Squeeker went to a private, Christian school for 4 years. He learned his continents in a Montessori preschool. My first, gut reaction was " Ok, we're pulling
him out and I'm homeschooling." Momma Bear kicked in hard and strong.
Yet, I felt God's presence. Don't be hasty, Robin. Suffering creates character. Yeah, God, but he's only 6. I was then reminded of what Squeeker went through at 3, and again at 5. God doesn't give us more than we can handle....and that goes for little ones as well. The hardest thing to do as a mother is to watch your child hurt. My job is to comfort him, provide a safe and loving home that encourages him to be who he is suppose to be, to love him unconditionally, give him opportunities to make age- appropriate decisions so when he's 16 and has a tough one to make, he's made a few along the way, and finally, encouragement him to get back up and be strong. It's not my job to remove all of life's obstacles, trials and suffering from him. But I want to......I want to protect him from the teasing about:
...having white parents (kids notice that, you know....)
...about his accent (which I absolutely love!)
...how he eats.....some is cultural and some is the fear of being hungry again
...when he screams in the bathroom when someone shuts off the lightsbecause he's scared of the dark
...and from his laugh that comes deep down in his tummy
God created us all different for a reason. How boring would life be if we were all the same....
I know my family is unique...
I know we stand out like a sore thumb...
I know people stare at us and wonder...
I see the questioning looks....
I see the disdain in faces...
I see the curiosity...
I hope they see LOVE......
I was shopping at BJ's with the girls this morning and a sweet African American lady who works there said this to me: "The first time I saw you, I thought you were babysitting." Wow....I didn't see that one coming.....THAT was funny!
We then went on to talk for about an hour about the girls' hair. Me, pasty-white girl, was giving her advise on black hair.....God really does have a sense of humor!
Now, who would have thought that would happen??????
Yes, they're my children...they are ALL my children. Each one a gift from God. Each one unique and special in their own way.
Today, I was told I was "blessed."
Yes, I am blessed.
Four beautiful children call me "Mommy."