Thursday, December 31, 2009

A New Year's Eve Reflection

Tonight is a time of reflection for me. I still here alone in a still and quiet house; a complete constrast to what life sounds like in the waking hours. I relish the stillness; it is in these rare, yet quiet moments that I hear God.

When I was just a young girl, I wondered what life would be like at the beginning of a new century, in the year 2000. I calculated exactly how old I would be when our world welcomed in a new century. I daydreamed for hours over what my life would be like. But from the eyes of a young girl, being a 35 year old woman in the year 2000 seemed a lifetime away. I couldn't imagine being 20, never mind 35.

Fast forward many years, through the trials and tribulations of what we call life. Today, I am reflective and am perplexed as I ask myself: are we ever where we think we'd be at a certain point in our lives? Are we ever "over" stuff that we think we've conquered? Do the scars of past hurts ever really heal? Does the pain of lost friendships ever go away, or do we carry a nagging discomfort with us forever?

As a little girl growing up in "Dysfunction Junction", I clung to the fairy tale and believed in happily ever after. Did I really have a clue what it would be like to be a real "grown-up?" On New Year's Eve 1999/2000, I sat up nursing my preemie son. Just a few short weeks prior, I discovered a shocking secret that was soon to destroy a marriage and everything else I believed in. A secret that when revealed, made me a bitter and angry woman. A hurt that ran deep to the core of who I am. One, I'm afraid, I still cling to on nights like tonight. One I have a hard time letting go of and moving forward and allowing myself to live in the present. And maybe, just maybe, allowing myself to be loved.

In the days and weeks prior to Y2K, I watched "In the Year 2000" skits on Conan O'Brien more nights than I care to remember as I stared zombie-like watching late night TV. Ironically, as is the pattern in my life, New Year's Eve 1999/2000 was one of the few nights I wasn't awake at the strike of midnight. Not a big fan of New Year's, I found myself a bit disappointed that on the night it really mattered, I had fallen asleep.

And tonight, again a night where we end one decade and begin another, I find myself reflective. Am I were I thought I'd be? That's almost laughable. I'm middle-aged with two pre-schoolers, homeschooling an almost 7 year old, and a 10 year old on the brink of puberty. Wow...my mom must be laughing her guts out in heaven right now. God, she used to tell me that God had a really funny sense of humor. Ha.....I thought she was joking. Guess the jokes on me, isn't it?

So tonight, I have to ask myself some pretty important questions:

Am I happy?

What does it mean to be really happy? Do we just grasp moments of happiness that sustain us through the hard times?

Am I content?

Do I love my life?

Do I live each day for the gift that it is?

Do I love my children each day like it was the only day I'd have with them?

If today was my last day on earth, what would my legacy be? Would it be what I had hoped and dreamed it would be? Would God say to me: "my good and faithful servant" at the gates of heaven?

Some heavy questions to ponder.

This year has been a challenging year in many ways; and an amazingly joyous year in other ways. A year of a myriad of emotions, some happening simultaneously. Wave and waves of tumultuous emotions. We rode out the storms....and made it through this set of trials. Are we stronger because of them? Or just more bitter and angry?

Is our speech, our actions, and our unspoken thoughts good and pure?

And as we draw to close the end of another decade, we are more in touch with the conveniences of modern technology: IPODS, WIFI, cell phones with WIFI....blah...blah...blah....

I have to ask myself, are we really moving towards a lfast-paced ife of modern conveniences or.....

away from what really matters.......

Monday, December 21, 2009

Why Experience Matters....

parenting experience, that is.

When I first met my husband, he had three almost-grown children. Being a naive mom to a 3 year old at that time, I told him experience didn't matter in parenting. Ok, ok,,, I know, not one of my finer moments, as my mom would say. But since she's not here.....let me explain.

Parenting a child of divorce IS different than parenting a child whose parents are still married.

Parenting an only child IS different than parenting multiple siblings.

Parenting four children IS different than parenting two (Ok..I really "got" this one because I'm living it!).

When a child grows inside you, the love you feel for that child is instant..the moment you find out you are pregnant, boom, the love is immediate.
At least it was like that for me.


Adopted love...well, that's a little different. And this is where, I believe, experience matters. With enough "experience" as a parent under your belt, you understand what is, and I use this word lightly, 'normal.' What is normal 2 year old behavior, normal 6 year old behavior. Our oldest child(ren), in some ways, become our "parenting guinea pigs." Not a good analogy, but the only one I can think of this late at night when I should be sleeping but felt nudged to write this post. We parent them with "trial and error" parenting to see what works and what doesn't. I'm so thankful that I have a second, third and fourth shot at "getting it right."

People watch and observe us and sometimes criticize the why and how we do things, especially with older adopted children, when yes, we, have been through hours and hours of training, have consulted other adoptive parents with older children, and of course, consulted our Social Worker for "is this normal" for the state of post-placement we are in? And usually, the answer is always "YES."

This is hard...I don't know any other way to put it. Love doesn't always come instantaneously with older children adoption....sometimes, you wake up every morning with a choice to love or not to love these children. Does that sound harsh? It might to some, who have not experienced what we and other have experienced. But it is true. Love is a choice, not a feeling.

And yes, I do love them differently, but not one more than the other. I'm overwhelmed with the traits in each of them that makes my heart swell with love: one for their tender-heart and genuine remorse; I love another for their funny personality that can make me smile on a dime; and another, I love their boldness for Christ and honesty. And lastly, love for this child is still not settled...it's out there, but not yet defined. And love changes as they grow and I grow as a Mom, but it never ceases, that deep unconditional love that a mother has for her child(ren)....whether birthed or gifted, the love is persistent.....never ending......just like God's mercies are new every morning. My love for my children renews and refreshes me every day. As hard as some of the 'seasons' are, I can't imagine a life without each and every one of them. Their smiles, their laughs, and their tears.

This holiday season has been a bit of a challenge for us as we continue to settle into 'normal,' whatever that may be. We've seen some backsliding in behavior in many ways; and as we creep closer and closer to the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ, the anxiety of not knowing and unrealistic expectations of Santa, is surrounding my children like a dark cloud. Old behaviors, learned as a means to survive, have re-emerged, and to be frank, this Momma is struggling along with them. The season of Christmas has always been a difficult one for me.

The "magic" of Christmas is not upon us this year; our home is filled with overwhelming selfishness, greed and uncertainty. Not the warm and fuzzy feeling that it should be as we celebrate the birth of our Savior, I'm praying that once we "get" through this season, 'normal' will return again.

As we struggle through the next few days, say a few prayers for our family.

Experience DOES matters....

and I'm so thankful that God has many,
many,
many
years of experience in loving His children.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Merry Christmas......Card


In an effort to be more frugal this year, I did not order enough Christmas cards.....

For all of you that didn't get one, I am soooo sorry,.....but here it is!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

I'll finally admit it...I am the Scrooge.....

I still have pumpkin on my front porch....

It's December 3rd and the thought of putting up the Christmas tree(s) is/are overwhelming......

I laughed until I cried last night at our annual Christmas Concert at our church; the boys choir, of which Squeeker is a member, were hysterical...off key, yawning and singing simultaneously....not to mention a serious lack of practice and focus ..... but all in all, God was glorified...not to mention a few good hearty laughs out of it. And yes,,,,my son was the one who sang and yawned at the same time....

I'm sitting on my back porch...thankful for WIFI, listening to a fabulous Christmas CD on my IPOD, trying with all my heart to get into the spirit......

I am one to be brutally honest, so here goes...I just can't do it...I'm overwhelmed and I just don't feel like it. I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I do. I'm sad, too. I really miss my Mom this time of year and everything just makes me cranky and irritable lately.......and I'm tired of the ungratefulness in my children.........

Is it wrong to want to pack up and go away for the whole month of December?????

Is it almost 9 years of working for FEDEX delivering packages in the midst of massive consumerism that still has me bitter about the Christmas season....Yet last night, I cried as we sang songs of praise to celebrate our Savior's birth....Moments....I have moments when I feel God jerk me back and say this is what it's all about. Yet, bad memories, sadness, losing my Mom are all magnified in December. Adding to the fact that I'll be a year older this month......Ugh...I just hate wrinkles...Ok, I said it out loud. I hate getting old.....really hate getting old. Love the wisdom, hate what gravity does to our bodies. If only I weren't so vain..................

My children are struggling with consumerism too. Big S thinks Santa brings all of Wal-Mart's toy ection to our house......how to defy that myth without grave disappointment?????

I know, I know, I'm really not a fun person to be around at the moment....

Take a moment today and pray for me......for wisdom on how to "do" this first Christmas as a family of 6, plus three grown step-children.

It's just all so complicated.........and I don't want life to be complicated anymore......

How do we move from messy to simple??????????????

Away in the Manger

No crib for a bed...

The little lord Jesus lay down his sweet head

The stars in the sky look down where he lay...

The little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay.....

That should be our focus......not all the other junk. My prayer this holiday season is that God reminds all in subtle ways why we celebrate Christmas...and it's not about the new IPOD, Wii, DSi, fancy vacation....blah...blah....blah.....

A child was born......God's one an only son......to save the world.......

Yet we teach our children about Santa....I want to tell my children Santa is make believe.......I hate the farce.....the secrets...the pretend........It's not about SANTA!!!!!


For God so loved the world that HE gave his one and only son,
that whomever shall believe in him, shall not perish,
but have everlasting life. John 3:16

Rejoice...Rejoice... Emmanuel.......

Shall come to thee, Oh Israel.....

Rejoice....Rejoice....Emmanuel

Shall come to thee, Oh Israel.....