EvangelineGrace

Friendship

2011-07-27T22:14:00.005-04:00

"Friendship" has been bouncing around in my head since last fall, when I attended the Women of Faith tour in Greensboro, NC with our Sunday School and two of my friends.

Lisa Whelchel, former Facts of Life star, a strong Christian AND homeschooling Mom, now part of the Women of Faith Porch Friends, spoke about her difficulty in making friends, and some of the pain she's experienced through betrayal along the way. I vividly remember her saying that she never learned "how" to be a friend because literally she grew up on the set of The Facts of Life. As she began to make friends as a young woman, she spoke about the pain betrayal had brought as she described how she was "used" by a friend that betrayed her confidences because of who she was. I sat there, mesmorized, at the pain she so openly spoke about, and the redeeming power of God as she looked over her shoulder, calling the ladies on the Women of Faith Porch, her friends.

There is hope.......

My dear friend, Ellen, who had travelled from the other side of the state to attend this conference to share some "girlfriend time" with me, was also deeply moved by Lisa's talk. Outside one of the Compassion International tables, we talked about how difficult adult friendships were to make, and how the betrayal of past friendships had made it more so. I shared with her one of my deepest betrayals.......a friend that was a sister to me, dropped me a dear John letter via email and then refused to take any of my phone calls. For 22 years, she was a sister to me...and then poof........It still brings tears to my eyes....the pain has subsided, but scar is still there......

This past weekend, I spend the weekend with another dear, old friend from High School, at the SheSpeaks Conference for women in Speaking and Writing Ministry. Throughout the weekend, I watched, observed, and admired the friendships of the Proverbs 31 Ladies. They had true love, support and encouragement for each other. They truly loved one another.......selflessly.

I stood back, amazed. And then it hit me.....

We are not meant to have just one earthly friend.......Jesus had 12...and yes, one betrayed him too. Betrayed to the point of death. My friends, there is no earthly betrayal that could ever measure up to the betrayal of Judas. Jesus knew his fate here on earth long before he was ever born, but to experience a pain that runs as deep as betrayal. He KNOWS how we feel........because HE felt it.

I drove a ways (hey..that's pretty Southern, isn't it?) tonight to meet my dear friend, Ellen for dinner. Here's what's pretty funny about our friendship: we live in the same state, but travelled across the world and met one dark night in a city called Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. We shared all the emotions of becoming a parent through adoption on a continent called Africa, we shared a Guest House for the week in a country that seeped into our souls. Through this, we bonded a bond that could only have been a divine appointment. She gets me.....she inspires me......she calls me on the carpet when I'm wrong.....I love her for loving me, and for not being afraid to tell me I'm wrong.

And then there's Ann......my friend since 2nd grade. She is my memory, and so much more. She's bailed me out of more misery and pain, never judged or complained. To her, I owe a debt greater than I could ever repay.......her friendship has showed me that love is a give and take. And in her case, it's always been more giving, than taking. I love her for always being there for me.

And Stephanie......she first thought I was pretty cool because I had Ethiopian children. Now she knows my children are as imperfect as everyone elses! She encourages me with her great motherly wisdom: "God fills in the gaps," and lately, she inspired me with this: "If I could go back, I'd spend time with my girls playing Barbie, instead of.....fill in the blank..." She bails me out in a crunch, and is always willing to step in and help in a moments notice. I love you, Stephanie.

Mystina......the Dianna to my Anne. Younger in age, but my spiritual mentor. My Titus 2 friend who lives her life by example. I pray one day, I could be the Christian woman she is! Love you sweet friend! You brighten my days and make me smile.

Sally......encourages me in my journey, both as an adoptive Mom and a Homeschooling Mom.

Linda.......who's more like me and wow ,..... are we dangerous when we are together! I love you sweet friend, for being real and stepping out on adventures with me......even if we did put a dent in the boat!

Cheri.....a Mom later in life, like I, who share the trials of being an older Mom........."Momma's going to have a meltdown....." She so gets me! Love you too....we need to spend more time together!

Dawn.....a high school friendship rekindled through Facebook. I spend an incredible weekend with her at SheSpeaks this weekend......As we journey in our "ministries" together, may we continue to encourage each other to be true to the One that centers us! Love you!

Each one of these beautiful women have a divine plan in MY life, ordained by God.......

It's time to stop running........

I'm ready to break free of the fear, and embrace the journey God has prepared just for me......

The Sandpaper Child

2011-04-08T06:46:00.005-04:00

A few random thoughts: I really don't want to write this post..... I'm waiting for the coffee to hit the bloodstream. Why am I up at 6:30, when hubby is out of town, and the kids are fast asleep???? I'm been procrastinating (who, me????) this morning, trying to talk myself out of getting out of bed and writing this post. For me, this post is about personal reflection. It is a post defined only by the prompting of the Holy Spirit. Much worse than your mother nagging you about something you know should do......... sigh ............. So here goes....... I'm an older mom; most of you know that. Older moms have different challenges and struggles than younger ones. We've had "lives" before children and sometimes struggle as we adjust to the changes that children bring. Some of us have yearned for children for years; others, like me, were totally convinced we weren't born with a biological clock until it went off like at time bomb in our mid-thirties. It then became an all consuming obsession to "get pregnant." Pregnant women all of a sudden were taking over the world and we wanted to be one of them. The desire to have children did not prepare me for the realities of having children. I had one child for a long time. He was 7 when we brought Pickles home (did I ever tell you that I really hate that name Pickles? Oh well, I digress....another post for another time......). And, for the record, one child is a piece of cake compared to two. Adding the second is like exponents in math (ha...are you impressed? thank homeschooling for that one!). Jumping from 2 to 4 children was like nothing I can put into words. The reality of 4 children was like a train wreck for a very long time. So, where on earth am I going with this post. Honestly, I'm not sure. I have a lot floating in my heart and in my head and I'm not sure how it's all going to end. "Before Kids" the following occurred regularly:

worked out 5x a week

had regular (every 6 weeks like clockwork) hair appointments

pedicures and manicures

hiked

biked

worked full-time

had a clean house

had an organized kitchen everything was in its place

Life was, well, pretty tidy. I like tidy. Actually, I thrived on tidy. I didn't like chaos. I liked neat and tidy. Adoption #1 - infant, 8 months old, I was 40-something. Reality:

worked about maybe 3x a week

walked with a really cool walking/stroller

worked part-time

had a "less" tidy house baby bottles and stuff everywhere

a tad bit stressed (total understatement) frazzled, running around dropping one child at school, another at childcare

Adoption #2:

work out sporadically (ok, I'm being kind here...it's almost like NEVER) SAHM add in: Homeschooling 2 children (Yikes...how on earth did that happen????? Never saw that in "my" plans....")

frantically trying to keep up with laundry clean and tidy kitchen: not in this liftime!!!

The reality here is that on the outside, I had it together, masking the little girl inside who thought by controlling the externals, that I could keep the inside "clean and tidy." And here comes the "Sandpaper Child." The child God sent to work on my heart. The child that openly rubs me the wrong way at every turn. The child God sent to heal me. The child I didn't want to love, because if I loved her, then I'd have to find a way to love myself. The child I vehemently denied was "like me" because all I saw was her vanity, the one personality trait I could not identify with. My heart was tightly held inside the iron cage I had formed to keep from being hurt, betrayed and from breaking. Slowly, little by little, the Sandpaper Child began to wear away the iron cage around my heart, to smooth out the rough edges (ok....maybe they were more than rough edges.....). God had send this child as a balm to my soul....I only had to open my eyes and my heart and allow myself to heal along side of her. You see, she couldn't heal her brokenness until my brokenness was healed. Or at least until I was able to recognize the brokenness I thought had been resolved through many years of counseling. We were tied together, whether I realized it or not. Whether I wanted it or not. Some days it felt like trying to shake off a prickling thorn that would not let go..... Some days the feelings I had for her were the feelings I had in my own heart towards myself.....ugly, cruel, unworthy, and unlovable. Thankfully, over time, The Sandpaper Child perservered. The Sandpaper Child's desire to be loved was pure and innocent and had not hardened or turned bitter like mine had. We still have a ways to go, but I can see the healing, both in me and in my Sandpaper Child. We both desired to be a Princess: to be loved and cherished. She had hope while I had abandonded mine. The Sandpaper Child restored my hope, and God is using her to heal my heart. God knew exactly what he was doing when he chose each one of my children. He chose each of them to heal me........to bring me closer to Him.

We didn't rescue three beautiful orphans, they rescued me.

Black Friday - "The Hunt"

2010-11-27T06:38:00.003-05:00

First, let me preface my comments by stating that I am NOT a shopper...at least not the typical one. I despise crowds, hate the markdown rack, and would prefer to shop online in the comfort of my home.

This has absolutely nothing to do with having 4 young children; I've always hated shopping. I guess I'm just not the typical woman. If I do have to shop, I'd much prefer to shop on my own; get in and get out, throw the bags in the truck and go home. I'm a woman on a mission when I have to shop. I'd rather be hiking than shop......GASP!

So, this year, I've watched with great interest the flurry of activity on Facebook regarding Black Friday preparation. I saw pictures of people perusing the "ads" on their coffee tables, floors, couches, etc., all on Thanksgiving Day. It's become an annual ritual for many.

I compare this ritual to that of men when they prepare to go off hunting...it's almost the same, yet with a different goal. The flurry of activity, anxiety and excitement as they countdown the days to Opening Day of hunting season. And then, BOOM, no pun intended, they take off in a flurry of excitement and anticipation. The results differ: the success of getting that Buck or Doe.....the success of getting that HD TV for $199.00 at Wal-Mart, etc. You get my drift.

But I find it interesting when we compare the process of "the hunt" between men and women. We, meaning women, complain that men just don't understand us, and vice versa. If we step back and observe, we are very much the same, but our desires and objectives are different. The process is exactly the same, but the outcome of success is defined by whether we got "the deal" or if they got "the buck or doe."

I guess what saddens me more than anything about Black Friday is the amount of energy and effort that goes into it, both emotionally and physically: the hours poured over newspaper advertisements, getting up at 3am. The only time I got up that early INTENTIONALLY was to nurse my son when he was an infant or to catch an early flight.

Please don't think I'm judging...I'm not. I'm just an observer. I'm fascinated by people and have always observed and analyze behaviors.

But I wonder......why don't we put this much energy into our Faith, into reading our Bible, into sharing the Gospel with others, into really doing something to help the plight of the orphans and widows. If each one of us put even half the effort into helping others, showing kindness, we could change the world.

Call me an optimist,,,,,yeah, maybe. But from a former pessimist, this is SUCCESS!

I was WRONG....

2010-11-24T13:10:00.002-05:00

to think that holidays didn't matter to me anymore....

after many years of being the square peg trying to fit into someone's else's round hole, I was kind of indifferent towards holidays....

I was always the extra place set for dinner.....

the one with no place to go...............no family to call her own......the extra plate at dinner........

So I married David almost 7 years ago....

we've struggled to blend our families.....his, mine and ours through adoption.......each changed the dynamics of our family forever....

yet still trying to make it all fit.......and somehow trying to achieve "normal."

So.........in my complete selfishness, along with my non-nonchalant attitude towards the holidays, I picked a Women of Faith weekend (tickets already purchased) over sharing a Thanksgiving meal with my family intact.

And my dear husband David is thousands of miles away in the Philippines......

.....in a hotel room by himself.

I made a mistake....

In all these years of pretending that family didn't matter...

that I really didn't care about holidays...

I realized I was wrong.....

I am sad......

I am lonely....

I realized he really is my best friend......

After all these years of being fearful of letting anyone get too close, it happened without me even realizing it....

And now I care about holidays with my family...........

and I'm alone with my 4 children.....and they are all missing him....

and worst of all.....David is thousands of miles away....and he truly is alone. I have our children here with me....and the familiarity of our home........the one we've been building together for the past 7 years ........

and he is all alone......

not only was I wrong....

I was terribly wrong...........

To Be....or Not To Be....

2010-11-19T13:34:00.003-05:00

Honestly, it's been awhile since I've really written from the heart. I am not one of those people that can sit down and just blurt out the events of my day. Mostly, my writings are inspired in the middle of the night by a knock in my brain from God. Lately, I haven't received any of those knocks.

So, I'm not really sure what or where this post is going to take us.

But I'll start here:

A bunch of us crazy women from church went to Women of Faith last weekend. What an incredible, God-filled weekend. Too many things to mention without boring you all to death. But I will touch on a few.

1) Orphans....Mr. Stearns, President of World Vision, spoke on Friday night....followed by a video from my favorite place in the world: Ethiopia. My friend Ellen, who I had to travel half way across the world to Ethiopia to meet, traveled from the coast of NC to WOF and was sitting next to me. Both of us have felt the pull of the plight of the orphans after spending time in Ethiopia. Yet to sit next to her and watch the video depicting scenes of Ethiopia with her right next to me, kind of brought me back....to the place my head and my heart longs to return to. Ethiopia on my mind.........

Mr. Stearns asked two important questions that night...both having to do with following the Will of God.....What will you do? he asked. "Whom shall I send......Send me!" I've prayed to God for many years now....it always seems to get me into trouble. Not real trouble, you know...just the kind of trouble you don't expect to see yourself in: over your head, out of your comfort zone, and in a place you don't know how to get out of by yourself. The place called FAITH.......real FAITH is trusting when you can't do anything else......

And most of you know I'm a Homeschooling Momma now...WAY OUT of my comfort zone and relying on FAITH everyday.......The Bible study we are doing with the boys had an interesting lesson a few weeks ago...OK, maybe it's a few month sago..I'm losing track of time (please don't tell me that's an age thing, I'm blaming it on being an older Mom to pre-schoolers...just let me go with this for awhile, ok???). It was about obedience..you know the word..the one every woman in America cringes at when mentioned. Well, all these years I thought I was being OBEDIENT by following God's will, but I wasn't....Oooh..shameful admission going on here.....

Obedience is following God's will for your life with a willing and loving heart.

Can you say:

O U C H ! ! ! ! ! !

Wowzer...that really hurt.......to be caught red-handed in a sin so blatant.......

I realized I was doing what I was suppose to be doing, like I've done all my life....but my heart wasn't in it. I still was arguing within myself to do what I wanted to do and why I felt I deserved it....I wasn't dying to self.....Ohhhhh.....now that one really hurt too.

My heart changed......my life changed........and my spirit has changed.......

Living a life of obedience from the heart is changing my life....

Good-bye, old friend.....

Hello Peace, Love, Joy.....

OK, OK, OK, ....I'm still working on Patience....

let's not push our luck! I still have a lifetime ahead of me........

I'm so LAME....

2010-09-09T08:30:00.013-04:00

in keeping my blog updated.....

I'm just going to post some pictures I've taken over the summer.

We've had a lot going on this summer:

Sy got braces:

The girls got some really cool princess dresses
from a friend in AZ (thanks Staci!)

We had a "Camping Day" in the back yard: made canoes out of Okra (better than eating it!)

Played Bean Bag Toss

Just being cute.......(she does that too well)

Cooked hot dogs on the open flame (Hubby is a 40+ year Boy Scout....so trust me....all safety precautions were in place!)

Kick Ball Game with Big Brother DJ

And finally...Sy's concoction: Pickle, Potatoe Chip and Ketchup Sandwich ....YUCK!

From 1 to 4 in Less than 20 Months

2010-07-12T23:03:00.004-04:00

Seriously, what were were thinking????

Ok...I know it's been awhile since I've written. I'm not sure anyone out there is even still following...or still cares. But that's OK...I write more for me as a way to journal and purge stuff from my mind and sometimes my heart.

So, what were were thinking? Although I've asked myself that less and less over the last few months, there were many, many months that it was a daily question. I look back over the past 13 months and wonder how we made it. More so, how I made it. My husband is much stronger than me, much more cut out for being a Dad to many children than I am being a Mom to 4. Although 4 doesn't seem like a tough number, I think sometimes it's the dynamics of the 4 that make it so challenging.

Here's why:

1) Squeeker - only child for 7 years.

2) I'm 40-something......too darn old for the preschool/puberty/peri-menopause combination (did I really just type that????)

3) Pickles -- my, oh my, that girl has snatched my heart and run off with it. Even in the "throws of three," she is still my girl.

4) Birth order disruption....and this is a biggee! Doesn't seem to be a big deal unless you've turned a child, or in our case, two children's birth order upside down. Literally, we took two pieces of bread, and made them the peanut butter and jelly. Not an easy transition.

5) Size --- our youngest is actually bigger in weight and height than the next oldest. Definitely causes some major issues as they've tried to sort out the "pecking order."

6) Working Mom of ONE to a homeschooling Mom of 4. Yikes...enough said there! Big transition!

7) Dying to self.......this by far, has been my biggest struggle. Letting go of ME and truly living each day for my kids. This too, is a season. One day, so they say, I'll miss this. Preschooler....mmmm..really not so sure about that.

8) Birth order issues...didn't I say that already? Yep...but I can't stress this one enough.....it's a BIG deal.

So......as we are turning the corner into beginning our 2nd year home with our sibling group, I must say, I've been stretched beyond my wildest imagination, challenged daily, hourly, on the edge of the ledge, come back from the brink. Would I do it all over again???? Ahhhhh..that's the BIG question. Would I? If I knew then what I know now, would I?

Today, that answer would be an astounding YES......a few months ago, hmmm...can't really say how I would answer that. There were days in the not so distant past that I would have "undone" it.......... no doubt about it. But I've looked at how we've grown together as a family, how much I've grown as a wife, mother and a woman, and realize that God's got it.....God's had me all along......if only I'd have let go of needing to do it all by myself. It probably wouldn't have been so hard, so challenging, so frustrating.

We still have a long way to go.....But each day, each hour, each minute, God is weaving the tapestry of our family together....And one day, we'll look back at how marvelous our God is to have brought us together the way He did.

Progress Abounds

2010-05-16T06:09:00.002-04:00

I'm sitting here in the kitchen with my 3 year old...it's early -- on 6:13 am. She woke up early because she is night potty training and recognized she had to go...whoeee....she was DRY this morning!!! Wowzer......this just makes my day.

Anyway, here we are, just one daughter and I. I'm looking at her and say: "You are so stinking cute!" Her facial expressions just crack me up....she is so animated. So I go on to get her more OJ after discovering her favorite "new" cereal (Peanut Butter Captain Crunch), she puts her little hand on my arm, rubs it up and down, and says: "Mommy...you always take care of me...." Ahhhh....priceless. This is why, at 46, I have four kids under the age of 10!

And yesterday.....hmmmmmm...yesterday. A day of many first was yesterday. Hubby's almost 84 year old aunt lives near us in a skilled nursing facility (oh...how I hate that politically correct name). Aunt Dottie is just a hoot.....never married, traveled extensively...my husband calls her "Grumpy," I call her "Trouble." She is funny...I just wish I had more time to spend with her.

I regressed,,,,,,we took her to lunch yesterday with the rest of the family. You know, blending a family has it's challenges. And I'm not just talking about adoption here! Across the table from me sat my husband's ex-wife. It's not the first time we've been together socially....we've had her over our house a few times on Christmas Eve and even spent the day together with my husband the day my step-daughter gave birth to her daughter 18 months ago. Why not???? She's my step-kids' Mom; she raised them. I really hate that word "step-fill in the blank. I'm not my step-kids Mom....I never have been. Two were adults when we met; the other was 15. Although I'm closer to my youngest step-son, only because I've spent more time with him than the other two.

At first, the whole "step-Mom" thing was really awkward and uncomfortable. I'm not saying it's perfect now, but I think we are all getting there. My heart breaks for them; how difficult it must be to see their Dad with someone other than their Mom. Since I've never experienced this, I can't truly understand how difficult this must be for them. Yet, for the most part, they've really handled it quite well.

And how cool it was to see my girls play with my husband's 18 month old granddaughter AND my son playing with my husband's 7 year old (a little less than a month apart in age) grandson! And this one just blows me away....my step-daughter just tells me very matter of factly at the restaurant that she's totally OK with him spending the night at her house. At first, I was concerned about whether Big S was ready for it; if he felt secure enough with us to spend the night somewhere else? I wish I had the finesse that my step-daughter has.....I had her ask him if he was OK with it....to give him the finally say in case he wasn't comfortable with it. And ta-day.......my son spent the night with my step-daughter last night! My husband ran over there later to drop off clean clothes, PJs and a toothbrush and reported back that he was having the time of his life! Progress!!!!!

And while Big S was out and about behaving like a normal, well-adjusted 7 year old, we took the girls on the boat. At the end of the season last year, we bought a two person float to tow behind the boat. We intentionally didn't put additional air in it yesterday so it wouldn't go too fast. So, both girls got in it (I wish I had my camera); we went over the hand gestures: thumbs up = OK; horizontal movement of the hand = STOP! If you could have seen them....I lip-read them saying "faster.....faster!" And the reason they wanted to get out: was the debris from the trees that was sticking to their legs, not how fast we were pulling them!

As I watched them, I realized that these moments are exactly what life is about......I hope they look back, years from now, and remember these moments. I know I will.

The Dark Forest

2010-05-10T17:25:00.005-04:00

Ever been there?

Ever knew it was there and yet spend years trying to go around it, dodge it, and/or avoid it? Knowing how bad it would be yet knowing it was inevitable?

Been there, done that.....recently too. I've been trying NOT to write this post, but have been so encouraged by others that have "come out of the closet" recently and admitted their struggles with post adoption turmoil. It's the last thing we think of during the endless months of the ups and downs that come with international adoption. Unresolved grief and loss that has been stuffed down deep in a closet until the closet literally burst open at the seems, almost like an explosion. The stress of changing dynamics, no time for exercise, which for years was the stress reliever that kept that closet door shut. Explosion......at enormous proportions.

Darkness has surrounded me for months. I never in a million years imagined how difficult it would be going from two to four children. Actually, I went from being a working Mom of one to a stay-at-home homeschooling Mom to 4 in 20 months time. Not to mention the death of my mother-in-law during that time, coupled with unresolved grief at the loss of my own mom 5 years ago.

Darkness, surrounding me on all sides. No where to look, no light, no hope, no nothing. Every day was a challenge. Getting of bed each and every morning took every once of strength I had. I would awaken every morning and think: "not again, ...I can't do this again today." I was overwhelmed, and angry and saw no way out or up. For the first time in my life, I truly understood despair at it's deepest and lowest level.

Thankfully, when you hit bottom emotionally, there is only one way left to go, and that is UP!

I'm grateful for the praying friends and family that surrounded me during what I call "the darkness." For those that didn't give up, kept on praying and petitioning Our Heavenly Father on my behalf. Thankful for my husband, that stood by me during those darkest moments. And thankful for my sweet husband's hand, that is walking beside me on the way out of the forest. I had to walk into the dark forest alone, but I don't have to walk out of it alone.

Today, I see the future more clearly.

Today, I have hope for the future God has promised.

Today, I am a new woman. Not completely healed, but on her way.

Letting Go......and Moving Forward

2010-04-09T08:31:00.010-04:00

This week, me and the boys spent the week at the beach with our dear friends, The Silva's. God intervened in our lives, and we spent a week in Ethiopia last June. Who would have thought that we would have to go all the way to Ethiopia to meet people literally in our own beautiful state of North Carolina?

We had a lot of fun this week. "Chef" Dave loves to cook, so the pressure of preparing meals was off. And boy can he cook! Ellen...well, let's just say we were separated at birth! If a week or more in Ethiopia didn't solidify the friendship, a week at the beach cemented it.

So, let me share some of the fun stuff we did this week, and then I'll move onto the deeper stuff.

We had a blast seeing the NC Lighthouses, driving on the beach, see the wild Banker horses in Corolla.

The Banker Horses on Corolla, NC

Cape Hatteras Lighthouse

Beautiful Ocracoke Lighthouse

My personal favorite, Currituck Lighthouse at Corolla. We were able to climb this one to the top -- fabulous views of the ocean and sound from the top!

My boys at the beach.

My all time favorite thing to do at the beach is to walk for miles along the beach. Squeeker also has this love, and we shared this love of walking the beach with Big S this week. I can't say he enjoyed it as much as we did...he was unbelievably fascinated with the ocean, the sand and the surf.

Part of the beauty of the beach for me is the therapeutic benefits of exposing your senses to the sand, salty air, beautiful sunrises, and sound of the waves crashing on the beach.

This week marked a painful anniversary for me. Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of my Mom's death. And honestly, I don't think I was ever allowed the time to properly grieve her death. So much has happened in our lives since her death, and it was just one emotional roller coaster after another, until the crash.

I've done a lot of thinking this week during those long walks on the beach. Yesterday, I had a revelation as I picked up shells and observed how even though they were broken by the battering of the waves on the shore, over time, the salt, the sea had smoothed out the rough edges. The evidence of the pain is still there, but like God, healing has taken place. Where pain was, a scarred, but clean surface appeared.

And as I picked up one of these shells, I realized that this is what unforgiveness looks likes: a big, gaping hole right smack in the middle of the shell...evident to all to see. Unforgiveness turns to anger, anger to bitterness, and bitterness to contempt. And all those negative emotions destroy the one thing God instructs us to do in the Bible: to love one another.

This realization, I hope, is life changing for me. In attempt at sharing this realization with Squeeker, who understands the pain of grief, I picked up four different shells (not symbolizing my children, but other pains, hurts, and unforgiveness that I was holding on to) and threw each one into the ocean, giving it back to God, where it belongs.

One shell, I held onto longer than the other. This pain and unforgiveness runs deep.....I fondled the shell in my hand, turning it over and over and again. This pain and unforgiveness had become my friend, so intricately a part of who I'd become. I didn't want to let go of it, but knew at that moment, that more than anything else I needed to do this week at the beach, was to let go, stop looking back, and start looking forward.

Good-bye anger, my old friend......

Let's Stop Pretending.....

2010-03-03T08:17:00.003-05:00

"Let's stop pretending." These words have come to me over the last few weeks as I've struggled to deal with life in general, and more so as a Christian wife and Mom to four young children. I kept asking myself: "Am I the ONLY woman out there struggling?" If my faith wasn't so strong, I'd honestly believe in the strangeness I've encountered over the last few weeks. But I do believe in the divine appointments in God's tapestry and how He works it all together.

So let me start with this:

Women, ladies, girlfriends, Moms, Grandmothers, all of us collectively have to stop competing amongst each other that we have the perfect marriages, perfect children, and perfect lives, because if we are to be honest with each other, WE DON'T. Yet we are afraid to be honest, afraid to be transparent of the sometimes daily struggles we encounter each and every day. And some of us, me included, were drowning in the aloneness of failure. "I can't do this" I chimed every day as I awoke to face yet another day. "I can't do this.....I don't want to do this.......why is this so hard? Am I the ONLY person that feels like this? Where is the JOY in motherhood? Is that too, just a fantasy?" I'd call out to God with stunted prayers: "God, here the cries of my heart" because honestly, I couldn't manage more than that. Yet God heard me...and sent me women, unbeknownst to some of them, to share with me some of the same struggles they too were struggling with.

One women even told me: "I can't believe I"m admitting this to you!" almost shocked that the words really came from her mouth. And others soon followed and I realized God was answering my prayers, He did hear the cries from the bellows of my heart. The desperate cries of help, not only for me, but for my family as well.

And finally, a visit from dear, sweet, sweet Becca on Monday night. A sweet and needed balm to my soul. I almost picked up the phone more than once to call her and tell her not to come. I confided that to her as she was loading up her three beautiful children in her car to head home. Yet God knew I needed her, but more importantly, I had to stop pretending that my life, my family were the "perfect family." But more importantly, that I am not the perfect wife, mother and Christian woman. That my feelings about being a wife and a mom are not always flattering. It's been a very humbling experience in letting go....a humbling experience in accepting that we, meaning women, cannot do this on our own. It truly takes a village to raise our children.

We need to STOP PRETENDING......and start being honest with ourselves,

and start asking for help,

for relief,

for a shoulder to cry on,

to laugh with,

to admit that we have to rely on God, and not ourselves to raise our children to be God-fearing adults in the crazy and chaotic world we now live in.

Stepping On Toes

2010-02-15T08:50:00.003-05:00

Ever feel the "ouch" when someone has stepped on your toes? Literally or figuratively?

Ever felt a dry, desert-like season in your relationship with God?

And then finally after a long drought, you get bombarded with the "ouchies!"

My entire weekend has been one "ouchy" after another.

Where do I start and how much do I share?

Being brutally honest has been my forte up to this point, so why deflect from the norm.

Caution....tough stuff ahead.

We all carry baggage from childhood with us, whether we realize it or not and whether we want to admit it or not.

Sometimes God gifts us with a child that is the epitomy of what we are not. A rush of emotions flood you, almost like a tsunami and you wonder in the midst of trying to find air what on earth just happened to you. Your world has been turned upside down; ugly, ugly emotions surface and you look in the mirror and can't find a semblance of the person you once were.

What on earth am I talking about?

Shocking as this may seem, but I'm a wallflower. I like to blend into the background, hate attention and am incredibly uncomfortable walking into a room with more than a half dozen people. Yikes...that is exactly what happened to me at church last night! As usual, I was late gettting two of my children to Awana, so I was late getting to the new Women's Small Group Study that started last night and walked into a room full of women -- some I knew, some I didn't. I just wanted to die!

Bear with me here for a minute as I try and tie all this together.

Yesterday morning in Sunday School, we continued are study in the Book of James, my all-time favorite book of the Bible because of it's practical, no nonsense description of how to live your life for Christ: facing trials, perseverance, listening, being slow to anger, true Faith, Faith and deeds, taming the tongue (glad I missed that week; surely that would have been more ouchy than I could handle!), and finally this week we studied that humility comes from wisdom. Ever feel like you wanted to just get up and walk out of a room??? Yep, that was me yesterday morning. I can feel the proverbial bruises all over my body.

And if that wasn't enough, our fabulous Pastor Tim spoke on John 15:5: I am the vine, you are the branches and God's work in us by pruning the branches. Can I say OUCH loud enough???? Pruning is a very painful process as a Christian.

For months I couldn't hear God; and yet this weekend He showed up in a BIG way....a gentle and loving way, but still very "ouch!" And in my typical fashion, I wasn't really happy about it. Being pruned is a humbling experience.

So..where am I going with this? For months I've been frustrated and angry, feeling WAY OVER MY HEAD as a Mom to 4 kids. Asking myself am I the ONLY Mom out there struggling? If not, why isn't anyone else out there raising the white flag for help? Why is there so much pressure on us to be "the perfect Mom?" I even asked my GYN last week during my annual appointment: "Why is this so hard? Years ago people had lots of kids and managed without losing their minds. Why can't I do this well?" First, I want to say I absolutely love my GYN. She is just awesome; also the Mom to 4 small children. She responded in a kind, compassionate and understanding way: "Years ago, Robin, we lived next door to our Mom, our sister, and other family; children played outside for hours each day, and we had our family there to support us." BINGO!!!! That's it! It does truly take a village to raise a family. For some of us that are lucky enough to have that extended family near by, thank them, hug them, never forget what a true blessing they are. For others, like me, who have absolutely NO HELP, there are days, weeks and sometimes months that it is so overwhelming you just barely come up for air each day. We have to reach out for help. I know for a fact that there are others out there like me struggling too. We can't keep silent anymore; not only for our own sakes, more importantly for our children's sake.

And finally, sometimes God gifts us with a child that is everything we aren't. I believe with everything I am that God uses these children to prune US to be more like Him. But wow, does that hurts! Years of untapped hurt can emerge in a moment, taking you completely by surprise. Months could go by, frustrated, hurt and angry with no explanation on where it came from, until one very observant and well meaning Social Worker asks you the loaded question of a century: "What is it about this child that irritates you so much? Why does this personality make you so angry?" And in that moment, you make the connection: this child is everything I am not; this child lights up a room when she enters; this child has the personality that makes people stop and smile; this child is beautiful and knows it; this child brings floods of memories from childhood, from school that still hurt: "I can't be Robin's friend because I don't know which sister she is and I can't be friends with the "bad" sister because people will think I'm "bad" like her. And since I don't know which one is Robin and which one is "M", I'll just shun both of them." A hurt from long ago, unburied in such a simple way. It's time to let go of the pain.......It's time to put away "selfish ambition" and be the Mom that I need to be. It's time to embrace this child's bubbling personality and love this child the way God created this child.

How do you ask your child to forgive you? How do you forgive yourself?

A while back, a dear friend from high school referred to me as "The Chosen Lady," I can't help but think that God made a mistake...a big mistake in calling me to be the Mom of 4. I am so not equipped for this. But he doesn't call the equipped, does he? He equips the called.

As If By A Miracle

2010-02-05T08:08:00.002-05:00

Miss Pop-Star, aka Pickles, has decided she wants to be a big girl and wear big girl panties. Hello..................................it's really been an easy two weeks. If only I had known that it's all about their timing and when they are ready and Poof, like magic, it's done. We've had a few accidents here and there, which of course, are totally expected. And night training, well, we'll cross that bridge down the line. I can deal with nighttime diapers...

Speaking of, for those of you that know me, know that I am a big fan of Cloth Diapers, real cloth diapers, i.e. completely natural fibers. Wool covers are by far my favorite diaper cover. If lanolinized correctly, they are practically bullet-proof!

Well, I spoke to soon. Pickles just had two major accidents before 9am this morning! Oh well....guess this too is just a process!

The Potty Training Dilemna.....

2010-01-18T08:17:00.002-05:00

or should I say nightmare????

Seriously, I'm about to lose my mind.

How did it get to this place......I am a "cloth diaper" Momma who cherished the extra moments it took to put on a cloth diaper. I never found washing the diapers a chore....never, not once. It was an act of love I gave my children each and every time I did a load of laundry (which is really three loads each time, but that's another story....).

I think it's the "in-between" time that I'm not so good at. Or maybe, I'm just over it. I'm really not sure.

Squeeker was so easy to potty training -- he defied the myth that boys are harder, because honestly, he wasn't. When he was 3 years and 1 month old, he and I took a 900 mile one-way road trip to Connecticut over Christmas. I remember contemplating the route around NYC and decided the longer way via the Tappan Zee Bridge was a much better option than trying to take I-95 through the Bronx with a boy who was on the verge from waking up from his nap. Stopping in the Bronx by myself, with a small child was not an option I could ever consider. Surprisingly, he made it not only over the Tappan Zee Bridge, but way into Fairfield County of Connecticut. I'm fondly remembering that moment as I struggle daily with two pre-schoolers in the throws of potty training.

But I regress........

Each day I pray for strength as we navigate through this stage. A homeschooling Mom I spoke to last week told me about her "natural potty training" method, which honestly, makes a whole lot of sense. I realized that I'm doing it ALL WRONG, and I just don't know how to break out of the crazy cycle we are in. That's Mommy going crazy.......and my kids not potty training.

Maybe it started 6ish months ago when we came home from Ethiopia. Pickles, aka, Pop Star, was close to being potty trained. When we added the two children to our home, chaos took over and I made the huge mistake of putting her in Pull-Ups. Let's just say I'm not a fan of pull-ups. Sure, they are convenient for the child to "be like" big girls, but honestly, it's not different than a regular diaper....they don't feel wet, so how on earth can there be natural consequences for wetting your pants.

So, not only has she regressed, so has Little S, who still struggles with where she falls in the birth order. She's tiny and petite, shorter in stature than her younger sister, which leads to confusion as to who is older. Let's save the competition conversation for another post..........Pickles has finally figured out that Little S is her BIG sister, but I'm not quite sure Little S has figured out she's not the youngest. Daily we struggle with this.

To be perfectly honest, I just can't stand pee. Gee...never thought we'd see that on a blog~! But I am OVER it! OVER IT! I'm over the peeing on themselves to get attention, I'm over all the negative attention it generates, I'm just OVER IT!

And maybe, it's because I'm OLDER that I have little or no patience for it. Every morning to wake up and start the day knowing I'll be fighting the "pee battle" wears me down. I don't want to get up.....it's like I just don't want to face it....deal with it.....I just want it to be over. I want everyone to wear big girl panties, pee on their own....and not have to constantly say "go potty Pickles and the going out of her two's with attitude 'NO!" ....and Little S...do you need to potty?????" Everything revolves around the potty...and frankly, I'm just OVER IT!

I'm not a very good Mommy lately because everything is revolving around "going to the potty." Seriously, there has to be a better way.

A New Year's Eve Reflection

2009-12-31T22:50:00.003-05:00

Tonight is a time of reflection for me. I still here alone in a still and quiet house; a complete constrast to what life sounds like in the waking hours. I relish the stillness; it is in these rare, yet quiet moments that I hear God.

When I was just a young girl, I wondered what life would be like at the beginning of a new century, in the year 2000. I calculated exactly how old I would be when our world welcomed in a new century. I daydreamed for hours over what my life would be like. But from the eyes of a young girl, being a 35 year old woman in the year 2000 seemed a lifetime away. I couldn't imagine being 20, never mind 35.

Fast forward many years, through the trials and tribulations of what we call life. Today, I am reflective and am perplexed as I ask myself: are we ever where we think we'd be at a certain point in our lives? Are we ever "over" stuff that we think we've conquered? Do the scars of past hurts ever really heal? Does the pain of lost friendships ever go away, or do we carry a nagging discomfort with us forever?

As a little girl growing up in "Dysfunction Junction", I clung to the fairy tale and believed in happily ever after. Did I really have a clue what it would be like to be a real "grown-up?" On New Year's Eve 1999/2000, I sat up nursing my preemie son. Just a few short weeks prior, I discovered a shocking secret that was soon to destroy a marriage and everything else I believed in. A secret that when revealed, made me a bitter and angry woman. A hurt that ran deep to the core of who I am. One, I'm afraid, I still cling to on nights like tonight. One I have a hard time letting go of and moving forward and allowing myself to live in the present. And maybe, just maybe, allowing myself to be loved.

In the days and weeks prior to Y2K, I watched "In the Year 2000" skits on Conan O'Brien more nights than I care to remember as I stared zombie-like watching late night TV. Ironically, as is the pattern in my life, New Year's Eve 1999/2000 was one of the few nights I wasn't awake at the strike of midnight. Not a big fan of New Year's, I found myself a bit disappointed that on the night it really mattered, I had fallen asleep.

And tonight, again a night where we end one decade and begin another, I find myself reflective. Am I were I thought I'd be? That's almost laughable. I'm middle-aged with two pre-schoolers, homeschooling an almost 7 year old, and a 10 year old on the brink of puberty. Wow...my mom must be laughing her guts out in heaven right now. God, she used to tell me that God had a really funny sense of humor. Ha.....I thought she was joking. Guess the jokes on me, isn't it?

So tonight, I have to ask myself some pretty important questions:

Am I happy?

What does it mean to be really happy? Do we just grasp moments of happiness that sustain us through the hard times?

Am I content?

Do I love my life?

Do I live each day for the gift that it is?

Do I love my children each day like it was the only day I'd have with them?

If today was my last day on earth, what would my legacy be? Would it be what I had hoped and dreamed it would be? Would God say to me: "my good and faithful servant" at the gates of heaven?

Some heavy questions to ponder.

This year has been a challenging year in many ways; and an amazingly joyous year in other ways. A year of a myriad of emotions, some happening simultaneously. Wave and waves of tumultuous emotions. We rode out the storms....and made it through this set of trials. Are we stronger because of them? Or just more bitter and angry?

Is our speech, our actions, and our unspoken thoughts good and pure?

And as we draw to close the end of another decade, we are more in touch with the conveniences of modern technology: IPODS, WIFI, cell phones with WIFI....blah...blah...blah....

I have to ask myself, are we really moving towards a lfast-paced ife of modern conveniences or.....

away from what really matters.......

Why Experience Matters....

2009-12-21T23:13:00.003-05:00

parenting experience, that is.

When I first met my husband, he had three almost-grown children. Being a naive mom to a 3 year old at that time, I told him experience didn't matter in parenting. Ok, ok,,, I know, not one of my finer moments, as my mom would say. But since she's not here.....let me explain.

Parenting a child of divorce IS different than parenting a child whose parents are still married.

Parenting an only child IS different than parenting multiple siblings.

Parenting four children IS different than parenting two (Ok..I really "got" this one because I'm living it!).

When a child grows inside you, the love you feel for that child is instant..the moment you find out you are pregnant, boom, the love is immediate.
At least it was like that for me.

Adopted love...well, that's a little different. And this is where, I believe, experience matters. With enough "experience" as a parent under your belt, you understand what is, and I use this word lightly, 'normal.' What is normal 2 year old behavior, normal 6 year old behavior. Our oldest child(ren), in some ways, become our "parenting guinea pigs." Not a good analogy, but the only one I can think of this late at night when I should be sleeping but felt nudged to write this post. We parent them with "trial and error" parenting to see what works and what doesn't. I'm so thankful that I have a second, third and fourth shot at "getting it right."

People watch and observe us and sometimes criticize the why and how we do things, especially with older adopted children, when yes, we, have been through hours and hours of training, have consulted other adoptive parents with older children, and of course, consulted our Social Worker for "is this normal" for the state of post-placement we are in? And usually, the answer is always "YES."

This is hard...I don't know any other way to put it. Love doesn't always come instantaneously with older children adoption....sometimes, you wake up every morning with a choice to love or not to love these children. Does that sound harsh? It might to some, who have not experienced what we and other have experienced. But it is true. Love is a choice, not a feeling.

And yes, I do love them differently, but not one more than the other. I'm overwhelmed with the traits in each of them that makes my heart swell with love: one for their tender-heart and genuine remorse; I love another for their funny personality that can make me smile on a dime; and another, I love their boldness for Christ and honesty. And lastly, love for this child is still not settled...it's out there, but not yet defined. And love changes as they grow and I grow as a Mom, but it never ceases, that deep unconditional love that a mother has for her child(ren)....whether birthed or gifted, the love is persistent.....never ending......just like God's mercies are new every morning. My love for my children renews and refreshes me every day. As hard as some of the 'seasons' are, I can't imagine a life without each and every one of them. Their smiles, their laughs, and their tears.

This holiday season has been a bit of a challenge for us as we continue to settle into 'normal,' whatever that may be. We've seen some backsliding in behavior in many ways; and as we creep closer and closer to the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ, the anxiety of not knowing and unrealistic expectations of Santa, is surrounding my children like a dark cloud. Old behaviors, learned as a means to survive, have re-emerged, and to be frank, this Momma is struggling along with them. The season of Christmas has always been a difficult one for me.

The "magic" of Christmas is not upon us this year; our home is filled with overwhelming selfishness, greed and uncertainty. Not the warm and fuzzy feeling that it should be as we celebrate the birth of our Savior, I'm praying that once we "get" through this season, 'normal' will return again.

As we struggle through the next few days, say a few prayers for our family.

Experience DOES matters....

and I'm so thankful that God has many,
many,
many
years of experience in loving His children.

Merry Christmas......Card

2009-12-18T09:26:00.002-05:00

In an effort to be more frugal this year, I did not order enough Christmas cards.....

For all of you that didn't get one, I am soooo sorry,.....but here it is!

I'll finally admit it...I am the Scrooge.....

2009-12-03T21:10:00.002-05:00

I still have pumpkin on my front porch....

It's December 3rd and the thought of putting up the Christmas tree(s) is/are overwhelming......

I laughed until I cried last night at our annual Christmas Concert at our church; the boys choir, of which Squeeker is a member, were hysterical...off key, yawning and singing simultaneously....not to mention a serious lack of practice and focus ..... but all in all, God was glorified...not to mention a few good hearty laughs out of it. And yes,,,,my son was the one who sang and yawned at the same time....

I'm sitting on my back porch...thankful for WIFI, listening to a fabulous Christmas CD on my IPOD, trying with all my heart to get into the spirit......

I am one to be brutally honest, so here goes...I just can't do it...I'm overwhelmed and I just don't feel like it. I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I do. I'm sad, too. I really miss my Mom this time of year and everything just makes me cranky and irritable lately.......and I'm tired of the ungratefulness in my children.........

Is it wrong to want to pack up and go away for the whole month of December?????

Is it almost 9 years of working for FEDEX delivering packages in the midst of massive consumerism that still has me bitter about the Christmas season....Yet last night, I cried as we sang songs of praise to celebrate our Savior's birth....Moments....I have moments when I feel God jerk me back and say this is what it's all about. Yet, bad memories, sadness, losing my Mom are all magnified in December. Adding to the fact that I'll be a year older this month......Ugh...I just hate wrinkles...Ok, I said it out loud. I hate getting old.....really hate getting old. Love the wisdom, hate what gravity does to our bodies. If only I weren't so vain..................

My children are struggling with consumerism too. Big S thinks Santa brings all of Wal-Mart's toy ection to our house......how to defy that myth without grave disappointment?????

I know, I know, I'm really not a fun person to be around at the moment....

Take a moment today and pray for me......for wisdom on how to "do" this first Christmas as a family of 6, plus three grown step-children.

It's just all so complicated.........and I don't want life to be complicated anymore......

How do we move from messy to simple??????????????

Away in the Manger

No crib for a bed...

The little lord Jesus lay down his sweet head

The stars in the sky look down where he lay...

The little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay.....

That should be our focus......not all the other junk. My prayer this holiday season is that God reminds all in subtle ways why we celebrate Christmas...and it's not about the new IPOD, Wii, DSi, fancy vacation....blah...blah....blah.....

A child was born......God's one an only son......to save the world.......

Yet we teach our children about Santa....I want to tell my children Santa is make believe.......I hate the farce.....the secrets...the pretend........It's not about SANTA!!!!!

For God so loved the world that HE gave his one and only son,
that whomever shall believe in him, shall not perish,
but have everlasting life. John 3:16

Rejoice...Rejoice... Emmanuel.......

Shall come to thee, Oh Israel.....

Rejoice....Rejoice....Emmanuel

Shall come to thee, Oh Israel.....

Dethroning A Princess

2009-11-24T20:32:00.005-05:00

We used to joke with our Gladney Social Worker Mary T. about "dethroning a princess" as we waited those long months to bring home Big and Little S. Little did we know that months later, we would be in the throws of just that. And to quote my sweet son: "let me tell you something"......... it isn't pretty.

See, we had a little princess floating and flitting around our house for approximately 19 months. And in Addis Ababa, the process of "making a princess" was taking place. We knew Miss Little S was quite the charmer: sweet, coy, an infectious laugh, and incredibly hugable. Sweet Pickles was just that....sweet....and good to the core. Ok,,,we had some terrible two moments, bu t basically she's been an easy child since we brought her home in November 2007. The girls hit it off immediately....almost like they were in the womb together. We marvelled at how seemless it seemed...like they had always been sisters. Oh, but wait......the honeymoon ended.

Fast forward a few months......time for the kids to start school; preschool for the little two "princesses" and AWANA on Sunday nights at church. Hence, the dethroning process began. Little Miss S began to realize that her ever so charming, sweet laugh and smile could melt the hearts of many again and she turned on the charm. And so it began.........

You can see the manipulation going on in her little head: hmmmmm.....Mommy isn't falling for my cute/pretty smile....she sees right through me. If she isn't going to give me what I want, I'm going to find someone who will. At a preschool field trip, she climbed into a complete stranger (man's) lap. She looked at me as if to say: "So...what are you going to do about that?"

It's a good think Mommy had some great training on adopting an older (than an infant) child because I saw right through the "charming" moments.

It began a few months ago when my dear friend, Ann, came to visit us from Connecticut. She manipulated my poor friend, completely clueless as to what was going on right under her nose. After a few of those moments, Ann caught on and quickly allied with me. Little Miss S was not a happy camper, you see, because IT WAS NOT WORKING like it was at preschool and Awana. I felt I constantly had to defend my position on what Little Miss S was allowed and not allowed to do. Mommy had become a Mommy with a lot of rules: no hugging anyone but Mommy, Daddy, Granny, Poppa, sister and brothers, among others. Little Miss S had to come to me or D
addy to get the attention she needed. And then the bad behavior started...and honestly, I can't and won't give affection to a child who is acting out in order to get it. We also put us in charge of when we are affectionate with her, not the other way around.

Little Miss S is not happy......

Her beautiful face has seen more frowns of late than those first few months.....

Little Miss S is trying everything she can to control the situation.....

emptying her bladder on purpose....

spitting at her brother....

kicking her brother.....all because she wanted me to tie her shoes, not him.

I could go on, but I know you can fill in the blanks.

I'm tired,,,,,,,

yet determined.....

I'm not happy of late,

but won't give up.

I want her to be pretty from the inside too, not just from the outside.

I want to see a good heart in her...

Dethroning a princess is hard work....

it goes against the norm...

it's uncomfortable....

it's constantly feeling like you have to defend yourself....

But love will prevail......into God's hands I have placed her....

The Great Physician will heal her heart.......her pain.....and her fears........

because forever I will be her Mommy.

Can We Adopt You???

2009-11-17T16:31:00.002-05:00

This question was asked of me this week.

I had to smile, and maybe giggle a little. Helllllooooooooooooo, I'm going to be 4o-something next month.

The question came from a 60-something year old woman who has unofficially assumed the role of "mom" to me. She's had no biological children of her own, yet has take me under her wing, giving me wings to soar, courage to be strong, yet weak with her unconditional love and support. I love her more I could have dreamed possible.

Today is Momma J & Poppa Dave's 47th anniversary. Do you know, that although they did not birth me, I am their daughter in every way possible. Look at the numbers....I would have been born 13 months after they married....is that a coincidence, or another one of God's bigger plans that we can't get our arms around.

And, today, I called to say "hi" but forgot it was their anniversary (am I horrible or what???).

They want to adopt me.......Can you adopt a 40-something year old woman legally? No, probably not, but I wish they could. I've often wondered what my life would have been like to be born to different parents? Southern parents to boot. Would I be a different women? a different mom? I don't know, but know God has woven this incredible tapestry called my life and I'm amazed at how it all fits together......

Why, do you ask, does Momma J want to adopt me? Because I asked Poppa Dave to say the prayer over Big S when he gets baptized soon. The honor truly belongs to him: as a Poppa to me and a GrandPoppa to my children. I'll be sure and post pictures of this moment, which I'm sure will be memorable!

"Mommy, I Don't Want to be Brown"

2009-11-05T10:02:00.002-05:00

"Mommy, I don't want to be brown."

"Mommy, what color ARE you? Orange?"

"No, Big S, Mommy's 'color' is actually called 'white.'"

"Mommy, I don't want to be brown."

"Mommy, I love you.....kissy....huggy....kissy....huggy......"

My, I wish I knew what to say, how to say explain it other than "God made us all different and I love you just the way God made you."

"But Mommy, Squeeker is white too."

My heart is breaking, I'm at a loss for words. One color is not better than another, God just made us different and I absolutely LOVE that three of my children are brown.

And yesterday, it was:

"Mommy, Squeeker and Della are lucky,,,,he's been with you forever." Yes, sweetie, they have been here longer, but God chose the perfect time for you and your sister to join our family. Remember the story of Squanto that we read the other night? How he was taken away to Spain and sold as a slave to monks --- and then went to England, and ten years later, God sent him back to his village in Massachusetts where the Pilgrims were. And through all the sadness, God turned it to good. God uses our sadness to help others. And the last page of the book, what do you remember Squanto doing Bis S? "Squanto was raising up his hands and praising God like you do Mommy,...,and I don't like it when you do that....it embarrasses me." Yes, Big S, Squanto was praising God because he too will bring joy you from your sadness.

Is it a coincidence that we just so happen to be reading Squanto, when it's about losing a family and finding a new one?

......No, I believe in God's divine power. I see it every day in the life of my children.

And then.......

"Mommy, Squeeker is your 'real' son." That one really threw me for a loop. I immediately put a a stop to that. Because I birthed one child and not the others does not make one "real" and the others not. It really hurt my heart about how society defines who is a "real" child.......they are all REAL, they are ALL my children. God designed our family in a very unique and special way -- every day I thank God for how he wove the tapestry of our family together.

If I had to be honest, I think I am harder on Squeeker because he is the oldest, he's been here longer, he knows what the expectations are, and he's is leading the other children by example.

One day at a time.......one hug at a time....one prayer at a time.....

Healing will come.......God is in control.

The Brokenness in Love -- What Noone is Willing to Talk About

2009-11-03T15:37:00.004-05:00

Beware.......this post is going to be brutally honest about some of the challenges, hurts, and deep pain that comes with older children adoption.

The other day, Big S and I were talking about 'trust.' I'm realizing every day now that he's home with me during the day as we communicate in English better that there are a lot of nuances in our language that he just doesn't get. Stuff we take for granted because most of us have raised our children since infancy and they have learned common words, phrases and expressions through normal everyday observation. It's really hard trying to describe these things! The last few weeks he's learned more cultural nuances than actual schoolwork, but hey, he's learning and that's all that matters to me.

We've been working on argumentive behavior -- honestly, it just wears me out! From our numerous conversations I'm not sure he even knows he was arguing. Now, I look at him so I have his attention and tell him in a gentle voice, "you are arguing with me?" I usually have to tell him repeatedly (that's when I get really frustrated!). But, I think he's getting it and it's been alot calmer around the house.

He is enjoying the Mommy time when the girls' nap. We either go outside and play, or read on the bed/couch. Today, we read our poetry and Mother Goose Rhymes on the trampoline. All was going well, until he blurted out: "I want to go back to Ethiopia." Hmmm...guess he took me seriously on the "trust" thing. It felt like a punch to the heart, but I knew it wasn't personal and he was trying to express his pain, his brokenness of the loss he doesn't understand. The past few weeks have been filled with "Mommy doesn't like me," "Mommy doesn't love me," followed almost immediately with that sly little smile of his. I know he's testing me, I know he's scared that I too will "give him up." Thankfully, out Social Worker came for one of her regular visits last weekend and talked to us about some things we needed to be on the look-out for. Not sure if this is part of the grief process; I know deep down inside he's still very fearful. Fear can control his behavior but we've done a lot to help him with feeling safe and secure with us. But today, I had to tell him that he couldn't go back to Ethiopia right now, which of course, prompted the "I want to run away" comment. Very hard to step back, breathe, and not take it personal. I know that was a test!

Yet to see the pain, the hurt, and the feeling of loss was so deep on his face today, that it took all I could not to cry. For him, I had to be strong, to be his rock, his security, so he knows ALWAYS that I'm his Mommy, and Daddy is his Daddy and we are a family.

The hardest part is watching the brokenness as he talked about his Ethiopian family and wondering why he had to leave. What do you say? Are there any words that could even begin to comfort??? Although I was right there with him on the trampoline, his pain was something I couldn't take from him....I couldn't protect him, take the hurt away......fix the booboo. And that was hard. He wiggled, squirmed, rolled his way all over the trampoline as he talked, I listened, offered words of encourgement, reassurance of Mommy & Daddy's love is forever. But I knew he has to work through this grief in his own way in order to heal, in order to be whole again. I can only be a bystander. The hardest job as a mother is to see your child in pain knowing nothing you can do will make it better for them.

And then, like a lightbulb, his glum and somber mood changed to happy, playful and comedic. Just like that. He spent the rest of the day just being a boy, but Mommy was worn out by the emotions. Maybe I did take some of the weight off his shoulders, maybe that's why I'm so tired tonight. He's upstairs, fell asleep listening to Wee Sing Nursery Rhymes that he begged me to turn on. In some ways, he wants to "go back" emotionally to a time when he doesn't remember the hurt, the feelings of being abandoned. Maybe listening to Nursery Rhymes is just what he need......transported emotionally back to a time before the hurt that I'll never be able to comprehend.

We've Come a Long Way Baby.....

2009-10-23T10:07:00.012-04:00

Wow....I can't believe we've been home almost 4 months now with Big and Little S. You can definitely say the "honeymoon" period is over, but thankfully, almost all of us have settled into a new "normal." A lot has transpired over the last month, so bear with me as I catch you up.

Last week, I pulled both of my children out of Public School. The decision to homeschool Big S did not come lightly. I felt compelled over the past few months to do a lot of research and I've been quite in posting because a lot of my time has been spent doing research and praying for wisdom and guidance from God. Never have I felt so unprepared for anything as I do homeschooling. Yet, I've found that God has been gently guiding me along the way, placing people in my path that have shared with me their homeschooling journeys, curriculums and philosopies. I learned, hello, what a concept, that homeschooling does not have to be rigid and formal. And during all that research, a particular philosophy clicked with me and I realized that "yes, I can do it!" I really believe finding the right homeschooling philosophy that you can embrace is the first key to success. Notice that this is from a HS novice!!!

As we are finishing up our first week of HSing Big S, I can honestly tell you that the first day was really rough. The first few hours I was ready to throw the towel in and enroll him back in school.....ANY SCHOOL. But I perservered and what do you know, a peace has come over me. We still struggle over "seat work" (took me until yesterday to figure out what that meant -- for those of you that don't know...it's the work they do sitting in a chair: Language Arts, Handwriting (not his favorite subject!), and copywork, usually a Bible verse, and finally, story writing. The fun stuff for him is Math, readalouds and Bible! And I can't forget, being outside. All of us LOVE being outside.

So, what's hard about homeschooling? Hmmm....well, all of it. For me, I think the hard part is juggling the two girls and the interruptions while Big S and I are trying to do out seatwork. I keep saying it'll get easier when both girls can go to the bathroom by themselves AND when Pickles is potty trained. Oh my, there will be a huge celebration when that happens. I am SO OVER potty training!

What's good about homeschooling: I think establishing and enforcing the new boundaries are hard, but what I've see so far is a little boy who feels more secure and loved, is happier (except when doing handwriting :-)!) and is less argumentative than before. He also seems more relaxed and happier (except when doing handwriting -- noticing a theme going on???). He and Squeeker are getting along so well, that all I can do is thank God for it. Squeeker wrote on the shower wall with his finger:

"Big S is a good friend and is so funny!"

Wow.......we've come a long way baby!

Squeeker has gone back to Christian school for the year. They offered us a too-good-to-be true deal on the tuition and I was like: "Done.....! Although we did talk it over and decided to support him if he decided he wanted to stay in PS. He didn't.......so we let him stay the remainder of the week and started him this week back at his old Christian school. We were never so happy to "go back" to something safe and familar!

The girls are doing OK. With the start of preschool and AWANA at church on Sunday nights, it's added a complexity to the family dynamics. Little S is struggling with indiscriminate affection and being "dethroned" as the princess. She loves her little tantrums, which worked so well in the Foster Care house in Ethiopia. We knew the dethroning was coming, it just took a bit longer than we expected! That's been a challenge, but we are tightening up the boundaries with her too for the time being.

And let us not forget that beautiful Fall is upon us....my absolute favorite time of the year! I love the warm days and crisp nights. I wish it could stay this way forever.....Here's a few snapshots of a day at our house. We are so fortunate to live around open farmland (and not have to pay the taxes on it!) owned by the family that we bought our house from. We have such great neighbors and wide open spaces...what a dream it is to raise our children here!

2009-09-25T20:26:00.003-04:00

I started this post half a dozen times in the past week, but nothing felt right. Now, of course, I have so much to say and not sure where to start or how even to title it.

Let me start with this:

I've had both writer's block and an emotional block these last few weeks. Not sure what to feel, what to write, so I chose not to write anything. Our dear, dear friends who have been married for 25+ years are in crisis. He asked her for a divorce a few weeks ago and it has me feeling unsettled and scared. All marriages go through rough times, and the divorce rate in our country is so high, yet when it hits so close to home, it's unsettling.

There have been other developments going on at our house too. We've seemed to settle in to a rough around the edges "normal." The boys are doing better; the girls are doing great -- you would think they were in the womb together the way they interact with one another. Last week, we had to put them in separate rooms at night because one of them was doing the "instigating" but I couldn't figure out which one it was. Well, the other night, David put them to bed; I was at church and came home to find them in the bed, nose to nose talking up a storm. It was the sweetest thing I have ever seen. Somehow, they were meant to be sisters.

I, on the other hand, have been struggling with some stuff these last few months and finally can "see the light." I've been praying fervently that God will change my heart, give me peace, and joy and contentment in motherhood. Honestly, I'm a typical Type A personality that needs to see goals being accompished, items on my to-do list checked off. I need to see progress. And looking at a sink full of dirty dishes all day does nothing for my temperment.

But maybe I'm starting to realize that accomplishing nothing, or very little, is a good thing. Does it mean I'm more focused on nurturing my children, and just "being" instead of being driven to complete something worldly and tangible?

I've been doing a lot of researh on homeschooling lately and a dear friend directed me to this website as a resource she uses to homeschool her children. She's the "homeschooling" veteran, and honestly, I needed some advise from a veteran. I've been doing my research, knowing God has preparing me for this, yet still feeling incredibly fearful and unsettled. Yet, this website, http://www.jeanniefulbright.com/ stopped me dead in my tracks. It really captured exactly what I've been struggling with.

Today, at the gym, I had this realization: some women were born to be mothers, others grow into the role, sometimes kicking and screaming. I, I'm afraid to admit, fall into the latter category. I was born into a family of very selfish people; selfishness is something I never had to work hard it.....it just came naturally to me. And being a mother, well, we have to give it up and I've been struggling with holding on to just a little, itty-bitty piece of me. And then this encouraging page on Jeannie's website set me free. The irony, if there is any, is that I just read the Oswald Chambers devotion a week or so ago about this same subject: "Forgetting About Me." I just love how God reaffirms to me exactly what I need to hear, just in case I didn't get it the first time! I can be a little stubborn, you know!

Slowly, a peacefulness has started to creep over my ugliness. My patience is increasing....I'm laughing, I'm enjoying my children, and I'm working on being less "self-aware." This is a season, one I hope I can look back on as joyful, even through the struggles.

And through all of the chaos in this transition, I continue to see God and how awesome He is. Big S accepted Jesus as His Savoir this week and I was honored to be able to walk him through the Prayer of Salvation. What an incredible honor and a gift that God gave me in that moment.

So, what you ask, was it that "set me free?" This very simple sentence. I hope you too can be set free by it!

"If we forget about ourselves and look only to God, then we will truly be able to love others as He calls us to do." Jeannie Fulbright

Yesterday I Fell......

2009-09-04T16:23:00.007-04:00

The day finally happened; I knew it would; I just didn't know when. Yet there were moments during the last few months when I thought this day was a long, long way off.

Yesterday I fell. Not the normal clumsiness that one would expect from me.

Yesterday I fell, head over heals, hopelessly in love with my son.

Look at him....how could you not????

That smile illuminates his face....lights up a room.

His sense of humor took a lot getting used to.

Ironic for a family whose sense of humor is strange and warped, to say the least.

"Sees," my cute, adorable nickname for him. Rhymes with "grease" or "piece." Well, he's been having quite the time in school. All summer he begged and pleaded with me about school: "Mom....when do I go to school?" Now, all I hear is: "Mom,,,,,I don't want to go to school." And then yesterday, "Mom, instead of a chicken coop (Ok....don't ask...you really don't want to know), can Daddy build a schoolhouse in the backyard so we can learn there?"

My heart fell to my knees......in a million pieces. It was then, at that moment, that I realized that he was just as much my child as my other children. I was hopelessly in love with him...I was "Momma Bear" and would protect him to the bitter end.

Prior to that, honestly, and ashamed, I really struggled. He gave me the most challenges, and still does in some ways. He just seemed to find those buttons that would send mommy immediately to the edge....and PUSH them, repeatedly.

Yet, he's the one that tells me over and over again "Mommy, I love you" or "I need 'Mommy love'" or my personal favorite "You're MY mommy." He is very much like me......his love language is 'physical touch' and no matter how much you hug and love on him, it's like there is a hole in his bucket. The more I shower him with love, hugs and affirmation, the more he needs.

This week, we worked it out with his teacher to give a presentation to his class on Ethiopia. We titled it "Ethiopia: Where I'm From." Most, if not all, of his classmates had NO CLUE that he had only been in America for two months. Most took the news with shock and surprise. Others, shockingly, told me they too were from another country: West Virginia and Texas. Whew....didn't see that coming!

Public school is new to us. Squeeker went to a private, Christian school for 4 years. He learned his continents in a Montessori preschool. My first, gut reaction was " Ok, we're pulling

him out and I'm homeschooling." Momma Bear kicked in hard and strong.

Yet, I felt God's presence. Don't be hasty, Robin. Suffering creates character. Yeah, God, but he's only 6. I was then reminded of what Squeeker went through at 3, and again at 5. God doesn't give us more than we can handle....and that goes for little ones as well. The hardest thing to do as a mother is to watch your child hurt. My job is to comfort him, provide a safe and loving home that encourages him to be who he is suppose to be, to love him unconditionally, give him opportunities to make age- appropriate decisions so when he's 16 and has a tough one to make, he's made a few along the way, and finally, encouragement him to get back up and be strong. It's not my job to remove all of life's obstacles, trials and suffering from him. But I want to......I want to protect him from the teasing about:

...having white parents (kids notice that, you know....)

...about his accent (which I absolutely love!)

...how he eats.....some is cultural and some is the fear of being hungry again

...when he screams in the bathroom when someone shuts off the lightsbecause he's scared of the dark

...and from his laugh that comes deep down in his tummy

God created us all different for a reason. How boring would life be if we were all the same....

I know my family is unique...

I know we stand out like a sore thumb...

I know people stare at us and wonder...

I see the questioning looks....

I see the disdain in faces...

I see the curiosity...

I hope they see LOVE......

I was shopping at BJ's with the girls this morning and a sweet African American lady who works there said this to me: "The first time I saw you, I thought you were babysitting." Wow....I didn't see that one coming.....THAT was funny!

We then went on to talk for about an hour about the girls' hair. Me, pasty-white girl, was giving her advise on black hair.....God really does have a sense of humor!

Now, who would have thought that would happen??????

Yes, they're my children...they are ALL my children. Each one a gift from God. Each one unique and special in their own way.

Today, I was told I was "blessed."

Yes, I am blessed.

Four beautiful children call me "Mommy."

"If I Knew Then What I Know Now....."

2009-08-28T20:27:00.002-04:00

"If I Knew Then What I Know Now....Would you _______????" (fill in the blank)

A dangerously delicate and loaded question, isn't it? I've toyed with this question a lot the last week for reasons I won't delve into. I would caution anyone reading this not to ask this question if you are not truly prepared for any possible answer, including the one you'd least expect.

Do we ask because we wonder what our lives would have been like if we really knew what it would be like BEFORE we had to make a choice? or would we make no choice at all?

Do we ask because we'd choose another path, the one without resistance, pain and heartache?

Do we ask because we need validation?

Do we ask because we have insecurity and need affirmation?

Do we ask because we really want the truth?

Be careful.......the truth can set you free, but it can also paralyze you.......

I know firsthand how much freedom comes with truth,

and also how absolutely devastating the truth can be.

The truth can cut you like a knife......

The truth can release you from the bondage of sin.

The truth CAN set you free.......

The truth can feel like a gut-wrenching punch that steals your breath away.

The truth can steal your security....

The truth can make everything you thought you knew, be a lie.

The truth is......life hurts.

The truth is......life is hard.

The truth is.....it takes pain to grow.

The truth is.....suffering makes us more like Christ.

If I Knew Then What I Know Now, Would I......

treat my mom differently knowing she was going to die at 60?
would I say "I'm sorry" and mean it?
would I offer forgiveness sooner (because it truly does set you free)
would I be less stubborn?
waited til my mid-30s to have children?
married my ex-husband?
adopted twice?
moved "South?"
become "Baptist?"
run from God instead of towards God?

.....and the list goes on an on.......and each of us have our own "list" of choices we've made that have defined and shaped our lives.

Every choice we've had to make over the years, every crossroad life has delivered us to EXACTLY where we are today. God has woven an incredible tapestry called "life" in each of our lives and we are exactly where He wants us to be; even though it may not be where WE want to be. God doesn't make mistakes...He brings good out of everything.

It may not seem it at the moment, when the pain is running deep.

Yet God heals......

and that's what I'm holding on to..........

Because I Am Broken

2009-08-24T17:45:00.003-04:00

Because I am Broken......I am afraid

Because I am Broken.......I am angry

Because I am Broken.......I am frustrated

Because I am Broken.....I am resentful

Because I am Broken......I am bitter

Because I am Broken.......I am critical

Because I am Broken........I saw myself in him today......

I had to stop running.....

Because now I understand........

His anger is like my anger.....

His hurt is like my hurt...

The pain of abandonment........

The loss of everything he knew......

Why, God, he must ask? Everyone and everything he knew is gone......

They promised him everything would be OK in America.....

But it's not OK......

His heart still hurts.....

He is still so confused....

He doesn't understand so many things......

But then, he starts to trust.....and to smile.....and his eyes are so bright and shiny....

........

But then he pulls back....

And he is angry again.....really angry.

Why can't I play with that toy made for toddlers?

Why don't I have friends like big brother does?

Why do I have to go to that big, big school?

Why, I ask?

Because I am broken.......I finally see.......that he too, is broken.

That is our connection.....

That is our bond....

This is what we can hold on to.....

To move forward.

I love you little guy......my heart hurts too.

Together, yes together, we'll get through this......

I am so very sorry........my heart hurts for not understanding....

But now I do.....

As I held you while I cried today, my heart swelled with love for you.....

Will you forgive me?

Will you trust me?

..
..
..

Will you be my son?

A Mother's Letter to the World.....

2009-08-20T14:12:00.003-04:00

In less than an hour, I load the kids in the car and go to Open House at my boys' new school. This school is new to us this year, and to our county. It's a brand new shiny technology and science school. But a much bigger change for both of my boys. For one, it is a change from a small, intimiate Christian school, to a huge public elementary school. For the other, wow...I don't know if I can accuratley contrast a school in Ethiopia to an American school.

Others have already started school...some with homeschooling, other public and private counties that have earlier start dates than we do. For some, it is a time of excitement, joy, and possibly a little peace and quite during the day. For others, it is a time of great sadness to see their child(ren) grow up and go to Kindergarten for the first time.

I thought this day would never come.............

The longest summer of my life........

There were days I counted how many days til school started.

The past week, or so, my heart has changed. I'm not sure if it is because we've started to settle into "normal." Normal, you say, what's normal? Well, honestly, I'm not sure what normal is. How can anyone call my family "normal?" But I digress......

Today, this moment, my feelings are mixed. One of my boys just had a "moment," so this very moment, the first day of school can't come quick enough. Yet, I know, this moment will pass, and I'll be filled with nostalgia and sorrow......sorrow of what I never had with them; one of the drawbacks of older children adoption.

So today, with very mixed emotions, I'd like to share with you a poem I've had tucked in the back of my bible. It's author is unknown, and it is called:

"A Mother's Letter to the World"

Dear World:

My son starts school today. It's going to be strange and new to him for a while. And I wish you would sort of treat him gently.

You see, up to now, he's been king of the roost. He's been boss of the back yard. I have always been around to repair his wounds, and to soothe his feelings.

But now --- things are going to be different.

This morning, he's going to walk down the front steps, wave his hand and start on his great adventure that will probably include wars and tragedy and sorrow.

To live his life in the world he has to live in will require faith and love and courage.

So, World, I wish you would sort of take him by his young hand and teach him the things he will have to know. Teach him -- but gently, if you can. Teach him that for every scroundrel there is a hero; that for every crooked politician there is a dedicated leader; that for every enemy there is a friend. Teach him the wonders of books.

Give him quiet time to ponder the eternal mystery of birds in the sky, bees in the sun, and flowers on the green hill. Teach him it is far more honorable to fail than to cheat.

Teach him to have faith in his own ideas, even if everyone else tells him they are wrong. Teach him to sell his brawn and brains to the highest bidder, but never to put a price on his heart and his soul.

Teach him to close his ears to a howling mob....and to stand and fight if he thinks he's right.

Teach him gently, World, but don't coddle him, because only the test of fire makes fine steel.

This is a big order, World, but see what you can do. He's such a nice little fellow.

Out of Pennies

2009-08-06T09:04:00.004-04:00

In the chaos of my everyday life of raising four kids, a lot happens during the day that you don't have a chance to process until later......when the kids are in bed......when it's quiet....no TV...no radio...no Facebook (yikes!).........no internet.

Just quiet.....quiet...

no peace, but quiet.

In the course of chasing two preschoolers out of the master bedroom for what seems like the 100th time, a penny fell out whatever I had in my hand at the moment. Of course, I can't seem to recall what I had in my hand. But, I do remember the penny falling to the floor. I picked it up, put it down, and remember thinking: "yeah, Mom...I hear you."

What I didn't realize THEN was that was the last penny from heaven....

the last time I'd feel my Mom presence....

the last time she reached out to me to tell me to change....

the last time she tried to instill her wisdom to me as a mom...

the last time......I could hold on to the grief of losing her.....

the last time I could wallow in my own self-pity.....

I had many conversation with my Mom those last few months...none more impressive to me that the "penny" conversation. She had great wisdom about marriage.......she thrived through an oppressive marriage to my father. For years, I had no respect for her because she stayed. Many years later, my admiration for her grew, because she stayed......because she didn't run...

when I would have.

One of the last conversations with my Mom, I asked her how was I going to do this (wife and motherhood) without her. I needed her wisdom, her experience, her strength. After years of a strained relationship with my Mom, we were finally able to put our differences aside and have the relationship I had yearned for for years. God gave me her as a mother for a reason; little did I know WHY until today.

"Pennies," she said..."I'll throw you pennies from heaven when you are wrong. When you see a penny on the ground, I'm talking to you, Robin." I have to be honest, I've seen many pennies in the 4+ years since my Mom died. But yesterday's penny was different; and it didn't really hit me until just a few minutes ago. I knew I finally needed to let her go.....to stop wishing, and praying that she was here with me. No one knows me like my Mom did...no one understands me like she did....no one taught me to be me like she did.......I NEED HER...............

to hold me...

to comfort me....

to snap me out of the funk I've been in...., not to mention the pity party I've been stuck in....

I can see my children in a different light now. Their grief isn't any different than mine.....their hurt doesn't hurt any less than mine does.

It's time to let go.........because I'm out of pennies.

It's time to look up, and keep looking up to THE only one that can heal.

Sweet Jesus...hear the cried of my heart today...hear the cries of my children's heart, even though they don't understand what they feel.

We come to YOU today,

broken and hurting

weary and burdened

give us rest

Sweet Jesus.

A Little Progress....Maybe????

2009-08-04T14:19:00.004-04:00

Sometimes, something totally unexpected happens.....

Today at lunch was one of those moments..... I call them "God moments."

Let me first elaborate a bit on mealtime at my house since we returned from Ethiopia. One word comes to mind when I think about any meal at my house: STRESSFUL. Oh my...I've lost about 10 lbs from the stress...and running back and forth to the kitchen for more food, more drink....more of something. Along with the running, I've found that I'm too exhausted .... too stressed......and just too "icked" out to eat. What kind of word is "icked" out, you ask????

Well, since I couldn't put the word I really wanted to use on my blog, "icked" was the only word deemed appropriate and still gently conveyed my feelings. I'm not going to elaborate, but I'm sure, some of you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about......

By the time I finally sat down to eat my lunch, one of my children had already finished and wanted to eat what I was eating. At some point in this journey, I have to decide what is true hunger and what was the fear of being hungry again. Today, for some reason beyond my comprehension, the thought came to me to teach my little ones a few lessons via a very personal example......

Two of my children were still eating their lunch. Everyone had the same thing: applesauce and macaroni & cheese. I'm not a big fan of macaroni & cheese....at least the packaged stuff. Homemade mac & cheese...now that's a different story. I was eating the leftover pasta from the night before. In America, leftovers = eeh...not so good. My Ethiopian children don't quite see it the same as us. For them, it's a competition to see who gets the "good stuff." I don't quite get it, but honestly, I don't think I'm suppose to.

So...I had a dilemna. Do I give ONE child more food.....which would be the pasta that I was eating??? And not give it to ALL of them? Sometimes motherhood is boiled down to this: are all things equal??? or not? I really did not know what to do. I try so hard to be fair and equal, and not show favoritism. Yet, all my children are unique in their own special way.

I pondered over this dilemna for a few minutes. I even spoke to this specific child that it really wasn't fair to give him/her the plate of pasta when the others were eating the mac/cheese. Finally, I decided to go ahead and give him/her the pasta, but ask him/her to watch what happened when I did. Of course, exactly what you think would happen did: the others wanted what he/she had. So....as any good mother would do, I asked him/her what was he/she going to do about it? Share??? or not to share?

And God showed up.....in a big way. The next thing I know he/she is sharing his pasta with the others..........

Wow.......what a lesson on grace.......

A Few Moments.....

2009-07-31T10:48:00.006-04:00

I'm breathing....really breathing...and all on my own.....

I know it's been awhile since I've posted. I've been overwhelmed, depressed and still fighting to breathe as we adjust to our new life with four children. The days are getting easier, the tantrums are less often. And finally, praise God for this, we are starting to see the bonding take place. The boys are both still struggling....they both are very needy, and unfortunately, the girls are getting more of the attention just because their ages dictate it.

So.....what am I doing?????? Right this very minute, I am dressed (ha...you know what I mean...I actually have on a cute pair of sandals.....) and have make-up on. Wow??? Make-up???? What's up with that????

Well.......

I'm sitting in the lobby of the Embassy Suites in Concord, NC for the annual She Speaks Conference because there was a mix-up in my schedule and I found out I had a few hours of time to myself. I registered for this conference way back in the late winter, thinking the timing on our 2nd adoption would have been different. Home a month, well, 33 days to be exact, but who's counting, and I'm away from home for two days (notice I didn't say nights???? I'll be driving home late both nights so that I can be with the kids, if even for a few minutes in the morning).

And how do I feel about that? You know it would be unlike me to tell a lie.......

As always, I'm going to lay it on the line and put my soul out there....

I really didn't want to go to the She Speaks Conference; for many reasons more than I want to go into right now. Then, the last few days, I wanted to go because I just wanted to get out of the house, away from the kids, so I could breathe, and hopefully, in this time away from the kids, find myself again. Who I am??? Who was I??? Who/what am I suppose to be????

And then something funny happened..and please don't tell my husband this, because I'll NEVER hear the end of it. I sat in the driveway this morning programming my GPS (the very best invention in the world!!!). And........part of me didn't want to leave! WHAT??????? I was dumfounded with that emotion....WHERE did THAT come from???? I've been dying to get away from the kids, from work, from the house, from everything......I was drowning in a myriad of emotions.........I was overwhelmed...discouraged...and depressed with all the responsibilities I now carried on my shoulders as a mother to FOUR children. I wanted to breathe......I needed to breath..........just breathe...............

without interruption,

without someone tugging at my leg, calling "Mommy........Mommy......"

without having to take a preschooler ....or two......to the "potty."

As I sat in the car getting ready to put the car in "reverse," I watched each of my children walk outside to help Daddy with the firewood. I was finally able to see each one of them in a different light.......

The light God intented for me to see them in....the light in which GOD saw them............

And my heart swelled with love for each one of them. They are all so different in so many different ways, and yet I noticed something new on each one of their little faces.....(ok..let's face it .... none of my children have "little" personalities..they all have larger - than - life personalities).

I saw Love....

I saw Trust....

I saw "I feel safe here......"

I saw a Family.......

I saw God............and the incredible tapestry in which he weaved my incredible unique and diverse family together....

I can't wait to get home...to hug each and everyone of them and tell them...and show them....how much Mommy loves them.

This time in my life is a season.......and one day, many years from now...I'll look back and remember this morning as a Spiritual Marker....the day I saw God in each one of my beautiful children..............

A Picture of Grace....

2009-07-16T13:22:00.015-04:00

We've been blogging for well over a year and a half now and never explained to anyone where the name of my blog came from. Normally, it's probably not very interesting to most, but it's a good segway into the theme of this post: Grace.

Our Sunday School lessons this summer have been on Grace and more recently, "Gracism:" the focus on race for the purpose of positive ministry and service. Gracism, defined by David Anderson, founder and senior pastor of Bridgeway Community Church, a multicultural congregation located in Columbia, Maryland, is exhibited in the following ways:

I will lift you up

I will cover you

I will share with you

I will honor you

I will stand with you

I will consider you

I will celebrate with you

Before I delve into Grace more deeply, I want to elaborate on how my blog got it's name. Evangeline was my maternal grandmother's name. I love her more than life itself. She was born in the Azores of Portugual and came to the United States when she was somewhere around 11 years old! She was the light that kept me going and the savior from "Dysfunctin Junction" from my childhood. I loved her like no other. She passed away in 1991; I was in my mid-late 20s. I was devasted. As the years passed, memories of her resurfaced, especially lately. Little did I know then, but her life, the way she lived every day, was an example of Grace to me.

Grace is the name of David's aunt......Silly, but real story: he tried to climb into her casket when he was just a little boy.

Originally, before Pickles came home, I wanted to name her after my Grandmother. The day after our referral, both David and I woke up knowing we needed to keep her birth name. I never got around to changing the name of my blog.

Real life examples of how God showed up for me this week through His Amazing Grace:

I will honor you: Birth father to two of our children, whom we promised to raise in the Church, by wearing traditional Ethiopian attire at our children's dedication service last Sunday. We are so incredibly humbled by both his gift and our child's birth Mom, who still mourns the decision to give her child up.

I will stand with you: Special alone time with the child that needed me the most; God showed me Grace today through that special time....stolen time, because how I managed to find time today with this specific child could only be described as Grace.

I will celebrate with you: An almost 70 year old woman, aka Granny, getting on a bicycle for the first time in how many years, to share the joy, the freedom, of riding a bike with her grandchildren.

I will celebrate with you: A much older brother, shares his love with his new siblings.

I will consider you: A wife who holds her husband's hand and walks him through the little tasks that are now overwhelming to him after a brain hemorrage 5 years ago. What a perfect picture of grace. This women really inspired me today. I stopped to speak to her at the gym this morning after watching interact with her husband now for a few days. I found the courage to approach her today to let her know how much her unconditional love for her husband had inspired me to be kinder and gentler wife.

I will share with you: Grace, through an Uncle who lost his wife 1.5 years ago to cancer.....who advise on marriage is invaluable......

I will lift you up: Our church family, that continues to lift us up to the Lord in prayer, as we work through the transition of this adoption.

I really believe we are too busy looking for the "miracle," the really big, can't miss God experience. Yet we miss the little miracles of God's grace every day. I don't know about you, but I'm going to try, every day, to look for God's grace...it's there....abundantly, we've just been looking in the wrong places for it!

Some other photos from Sunday and the week!

Did You Know......?????

2009-07-09T15:55:00.005-04:00

in the eyes of others born outside our beautiful country, America has the perception of being Utopia..aka the "promised land," similar to the one that God promised the Israelites in the Old Testament. I probably would laugh if I wasn't living this misguided perception from the eyes of a 6 1/2 year old little boy who believed everything that was told to him about how perfect his life would be once he got to America.....

So....you ask...what exactly does that look like? How do you know he thinks "America is Utopia?" I've questioned many times if he was saying Ethiopia or Utopia...and honestly, sometimes I think he uses them interchangeably, depending upon the circumstance. Today, he wanted Ethiopia because the reality of America was not exactly what he was expecting. Life is not perfect here...and no, he doesn't get everything and anything he wants, nor can he behave inappropriately (like hitting and kicking his sister) when he doesn't get what he wants. It has been a very difficult adjustment for him. I wish I could turn back the clock and talk to the person with the misguided intentions that told him life in America would be perfect for him and set them straight...tell them the real reality that here in America, you have the opportunity for success...to be all you can dream of being......but it is not handed to you on a beautiful gold or silver-plated platter. It requires work....... hard, hard work, dedication to your dreams, and sacrifices that are beyond what you can even imagine. The American Dream is not a gift given to you because you are born an American or are now American through adoption or other means. The dream of being an American is the opportunity to be all you want to be and so many of us have forgotten that.

And grief...we cannot forget grief. Grief manifests itself in a little boy in primal screams and temper tantrum meltdowns that were beyond my comprehension until recently. I thank God every day for the training we received from Gladney...without Dr. Purvis' training, I don't know if I would be equipped to handle it without causing more harm. Intinctively, your primary response as a mom is the one that would do the most damage to bonding with an older adoptive child. You can not focus on the behavior, you have to look beyond the behavior, i.e. the meltodwn, the anger, the lashing out, you have to focus on their heart....and how it's breaking for all that they've lost and have no other way to express it except in complete and uninhibited primal responses. It takes a moment or two to pull back, control your initial response and refocus on the training.......the child is hurting...in a deep, deep pain we cannot begin to comprehend. Nurture.....down on their level...look them in the eyes..talk softly to them...explain to them that it's ok to hurt.....it's ok to feel pain...it's ok to be angry. But it's not ok to hit your sister...it's not OK to kick her.....How do you gently discipline and tenderly love at the same time????? I don't profess to have all the answers, or even a few at the moment........I just hold him tightly.....rock him gently, and tell him I love him, and that I am here for him ALWAYS....but mostly, it's OK to cry.......it's OK to hurt.......and that he's safe here with us.....and we'll be here with him as he works through his grief.

God Speaks.....

2009-07-07T12:39:00.005-04:00

I've thought about how to write this post a lot over the past 36-48 hours, and as usual, I am prompted to be brutally honest, without sugar-coating or glossing over the hard stuff. I think I owe that to all adoptive families out there........the ones that have adopted older children, and the ones that are contemplating it. Some may be offended by my honesty, and I hope the majority of you will respect me for the raw emotions about I'm about to disclose. So, here goes....

I haven't had much time lately to read my daily devotions. Honestly, I haven't had much time to breathe and am thankful that breathing is an automatic bodily function that does not require thought because if it did, I think I would forget to breathe. Last night, I had a brief moment to catch up on my daily devotions. I guess they aren't daily when you do a week at a time....I hope God understands that my heart is in the right place as we try to sort out our new life of temporary chaos. I've had no less than 9 interruptions as I've tried to type this post. God...please give me the strength to get through each moment.......

One of the devotions was titled "Active Listening...." Ha...I had to laugh. Seriously, God.....active listening requires time, and time is the one thing that is seriously lacking in my life at the moment. I found myself getting angry and bitter....How did that happen so quickly??? I do not have one brief moment to collect myself. Selfishly, I need those brief moments to compose myself.......bring it all together so that I can be a better mom; one with compassion and patience. I thought I was prepared for this....I did all the training, read blogs of families that had adopted older children. I had done my homework, or so I thought. Yet nothing, and I mean nothing prepares you for the all - consuming needs of these absolutely beautiful, precious, yet broken children. Although they each have biological ages, emotionally their needs are of much younger children.

This morning, I was at my wit's end. I had thoughts of "what on earth were we thinking???" Those thoughts ran through my mind repeatedly, like a reeled tape, over and over and over again. I was angry, frustrated, upset, overwhelmed, short-tempered, and frazzled. If only, I thought, could get them down for a nap at the same time and have a few moments to compose myself. I sought help through a local ET adoptive board; two women who have adopted older children, came to my rescue with advise, suggestions, but mostly a big dose of compassion when I needed it the most. "This phase will end," they both said, and I'd look back in a few months with distant memories. Just like childbirth, I thought. I'd forget just how hard this is and be able to breathe again...to smile......and to love the way I know God created me to.

And again, God spoke to me. Louder this time, but again through another Godly woman who I deeply respect and admire. She left me a post on Facebook and asked me to read her blog. I, apparently, had inspired her. I almost choked with laughter...that was the funniest thing I had heard in weeks!

And then I cried.....not just streaming tears, but the gut-wrenching tears that take your breathe away. I sobbed for what I'd lost.....a bit of peace and tranquility......I sobbed for Pickles and Squeeker and the changes this meant for them....I sobbed for the changed in my marriage I was prepared for.... I sobbed for the loss the Big & Little S are experiencing as they've been yanked away from all that is familar to them.....and I sobbed for God's amazing grace demonstrated through the kind words and acts of others. God has been pouring his amazing grace upon me....almost like a permanent, but cheerful rain cloud, since we left for Ethiopia.

Today, we turned a corner. I'm looking up and not inward. God chose us for this amazing journey, and He will give me all I need, each and every moment.....

Come....share this journey with us......

Happy 4th of July

2009-07-04T08:05:00.009-04:00

This year, the 4th of July takes on a new meaning. Big S is old enough to know and understand the implications of "coming to America." All the way home, in the airport and on the airplane, he asked us if "are we in America yet?" He also mentioned numerous times that America is "Utopia." Wow...that one really took us by surprise. Fortunately, we were warned by one of our agency's in -country personnel, that some of the older kids have the misconception that life in America is perfect, and all their problems are solved. Well, based on what we've seen/experienced in the past week being home, I can attest that is a reality for these children. We've had a week of reestablishing realistic expectations for them and setting boundaries.

Honestly, it's been a rough week in many ways, but each day gets a little easier and we all are starting to settle in and bond.

I do love older children adoption...their little personalities are awesome: their language...their accent takes my breath away......and their facial expression, ranging from confused, sad to elation when they see something for the very first time. We are not having the language issues we anticipated; Big S speaks, read and writes English. When necessary, he'll translate sometime to Little S or vice versa. But even without his translation, we are managing to communicate with Little S.

So, here are a few pictures of the last few days....of our family celebrating the 4th of July......

HOME!

2009-06-29T07:57:00.003-04:00

We are home! I don't have much time to go into many details right now-- I have to take both Big & Little S for a routine appointment with the pediatrician this morning.

All is well, considering we were travelling for 36 hours. The flight was brutal, but we kind of expected that. Fortunately, we were all able to stay up to regular bedtime last night and the kids woke up around 5:45 this morning! Not sure if we'll be that lucky tomorrow!

The kids are beautiful.....and wonderful...and we are so in love with them! The transition with PIckles is going as good as can be expected.....what can I say for a 2 year old that hasn't seen her mommy, daddy or big brother in 10 days! We have some rough days ahead of us for sure!

Less than 48 Hours.......

2009-06-17T10:05:00.003-04:00

And I'm feeling a mix of emotions. Excitement; of course. That is the obvious emotion. I am beyond excited. Yet part of me is really struggling with some other emotions that I didn't quite anticipate.

I thought I'd be OK leaving Sweet Pickles home. I rationalized how taking a 2 year old on a 17 hour flight was nothing short of insane. And I still believe that. We really need that time in country to bond to Big & Little S. But I'm really not OK leaving her. I have an enormous amount of peace with whom we chose to watch her while we are gone, yet we'll be gone SOOOO long. Wow..I've never left her overnight before and now I'm starting to freak out a bit. I remember the first time Squeeker stayed overnight with my ex. I was a total wreck, but at least in the same State! A million things are running through my head at once. I know I'll be OK once we are in the air, but between now and then my emotions are getting the best of me. For instance, Sweet Pickles is very verbal for her age. She said this to me this morning: "Momma....I love you." I responded: "I love you too!" Then she says: "I love you MORE!" with this big grin on her face. I just melted. Then, later, she threw a banana at her brother in the car on the way to summer camp. So sweet one moment, and then so TWO the next!

Thankfully, I spoke to Amy at Gladney this morning, and she gave me some great suggestions on how to make it easier for her while we are gone. I'd be delusional to think this separation will be EASY....I'm just trying to make it as easy on her as I can. I'm a big girl...I can work through my issues of being away from her that long. She's little.....and will probably be confused, regardless of how much prep work we've done to prepare her for our departure.

Maybe I'm just worrying about nothing.....she could have SOOOO much fun at Uncle Curtis & Aunt Adrienne's house that she won't even know we are gone!

We are as prepared as we can be for this emotional journey. Leaving our youngest behind, returning again to Africa, where I left a piece of my heart in Nov. 2007, and meeting Big & Little S's birth parent. All so very overwhelming at the moment.

House Update.....

2009-06-13T08:32:00.008-04:00

Just a handful of days left to go before we depart for Ethiopia, and I'm afriad that yes, we are still working on the house. I haven't updated in awhile, because honestly, not much visible (electrical work, etc.) stuff was happening. The rain delayed the mason from coming back and finishing up the stairs to the front porch and closing in the garage. This week, the weather cleared long enough for the mason to get the work done.

David is now outside, working furiously, to finish up closing in that wall! The garage door came down last night.......Bye-bye garage. I'm sad....I really loved parking my car in the garage, especially when it rained. But.....next year, when we'll have enough $$$ to finish the inside, we'll have a beautiful and BIG family room!!!

On the packing front: I would have thought 6 suitcases would have been enough space to take all that we needed! Well, we have 4 bags packed, and only one of them has clothes in it. I still have to pack everyones clothes, but Big S's. I'm starting to worry that I'm not going to have enough room. I contacted Mary T. this week and asked her if Gladney could use all of the baby clothes that no longer fit Pickles -- those clothes alone took up an entire suitcase!

I'll post more pictures of the garage/turned family room as the day progresses.

And finally, at 7pm, we installed both windows and the door. Tomorrow's job: buy a lockset for the door and put up the siding.......more pictures to come.

Although we aren't quite ready for our Cert of Occupancy, we are very, very close!

Celebration is in Order....

2009-06-11T12:44:00.002-04:00

Today, the blog world, is celebrating with the Fournet family. 13 months post their referral date, and a year and one day from their first court date (they've had 9 court dates), they passed court today! Wow...I am so incredibly happy, relieved and overflowed with joy for this incredible family that has been a testament of faith to all of us along the way.

Fournet Family: we are celebrating with you today! Congratulations!

My Beautiful Children........

2009-06-08T15:15:00.001-04:00

My Montage 5/11/09

Do You Believe in Miracles???? Updated

2009-06-03T21:55:00.002-04:00

Today, we do! We got an amazing phone call from Mary, our caseworker at 12:38 EST today. We were in a truck wash in Pennsylvania giving our new 5th wheel camper a bath when the call came in. It's a funny story about how that all happened. I'll update this post in a day or so when the reality of it all sinks in!

Today,,,,we are officially the proud parents of:
"S" Faith and "S" David.

And the rest of the story goes something like this:

My Uncle Joe was at the shop when we received the call on May 22nd from Mary that we did not pass court. My Uncle came bearing some interesting news: my aunt, who lives in Rhode Island, who believe it or not, her husband had a massive heart attack and died 4 days before my mother passed away 4 years ago, had a 5th wheel camper she really wanted to sell. A few years back, she offered it to us at a price we couldn't afford, so we said no. The news Uncle Joe had for us regarding the reduced price of the camper was really too good to pass up. So, David and I, along with Pickles, headed up to Rhode Island on Sunday morning. We stopped in Connecticut, saw some old friends from high school, and then headed to Rhode Island early Tuesday morning to meet the ferry (did I mention my aunt lives on an island...just to complicate things further). After a tortuous 3 hours at the Rhode Island Department of Motor Vehicles, and then driving all around Rhode Island to pick up the camper, and backtracking almost an hour to get her back to the ferry by 5:00, the last ferry of the day, we headed home. We made it about 4 hours, into NE Pennsylvania before we stopped for the night.

Wednesday morning we got up and start heading home. We were stuck in road construction traffic for about an hour and a half and were sitting in a truck wash getting the camper washed when Mary called. Let me back up a minute. Earlier Wednesday am, David asked if we heard from Mary. I checked my email briefly that morning at the hotel, received an incredible update on the kids, then quickly logged off. So, I told David, no news is good news right now, thinking about how I was going to get through the next 8 or 9 days agonizing over whether we were able to get back through local court.

At 12:38 pm, Mary called. She asked how our vacation was going. I laughed and told her it wasn't a vacation..we travelled to Rhode Island to pick my aunt's camper and had no trailer brakes (the people that put the 5th wheel hitch in didn't hook up the brakes). She asked if David was with me, and I said, yep, he's out talking to the guy who's washing the camper. Then she tells me she has some news for me, and I immediately pleaded with her that it be good news because I didn't think I could handle any more bad news. She then went on to explain to me that we had an Appeal to Court, the Judge heard the appeal, brought the birth dad back in, questioned him again. He did admit to being really nervous. The Judge asked him a series of other questions, and through a miracle only God can achieve, the Judge granted our adoption of Big and Little S! Shocked, stunned, flabbergasted, at a loss for words........We had NO IDEA about the appeal. We quickly contacted the travel agent (already had tix on hold), booked our flights and in a few short weeks are heading to Africa!

We are so incredibly happy......and thrilled. We've started to run around in a frenzy trying to get everything done before we leave! Thankfully, we already had the arrangements for Pickles worked out. And I have to start my lists again, and pull out all the stuff to pack that I put back a few weeks ago! Our humanitarian aid is already packed and dropped off at my girlfriend's house in Connecticut who is travelling with us and was only using one of her two suitcase allocations. How perfect is that? Our trip to Connecticut/Rhode Island was just meant to be!

A Cynic Meets God = Hope

2009-05-27T09:09:00.009-04:00

I am a self-professed cynic. I just can't help it. It is what happens when you grow up at Dysfunction Junction, the phrase I've coined by family and childhood. Ok, before you bash me, please read on. I am not a fan of the "blame game." I believe you can not change the deal you were dealt, but you surely can change what you do with it.

So....Ms. Cynic Meets God. Yes, little by little, God has been working on me. Sunday, David left for Colorado on a planned business trip. I toyed with the idea of skipping church. It was raining, and gosh, it's realy hard trekking two kids through the wet parking lot by yourself. Even though the thought was a fleeting one, I felt God intercede. "I know you are upset Robin, I know you don't understand the delays. Please trust me........let me show you this morning how much I love you." "Ok God"....I said. "I'll go." I learned a long time ago not to argue with God. You always lose. I knew almost immediately that today was the day I would walk the isle during invitation time. You see, I hadn't cried since we got the news Friday about not passing court. I shed a few tears, but I didn't have one of those cleansing cries.....you know the one...the ugly gut racking sobs where you can't catch your breath. Gross, I know, but I always feel better after one of those cries.

Our church service was extraordinary. I know I wasn't the only one to feel God's presense with us. During the 2nd invitation song, I knew it was time. I didn't make it out of the pew before the tears started to fall. Let me tell you, it's a LONG walk to the front of the church from the back pew. Almost immediately upon falling onto the alter, sobbing uncontrollably, I felt the presense of many hands on me, petitioning God on my behalf. I don't know how long I cried, or how long they prayed. When I sensed it was time, I turned around and 5 or 6 beautiful ladies surrounded me, hugging me and praying over me. I was shocked and stunned, which only made me cry more. In that incredible outpouring of love from the beautiful ladies of our Sunday School class, God showed me He was still there with me.

Earlier that morning, he made a promise to me.....and He kept it.

I've also experienced an incredible outpouring of support and love from the Blog community. Those of you out there, you know who you are. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know you feel my pain, the anquish I feel, and understand the unquenchable desire to hold my children. God showed me His unconditional love through all of you.

A few years ago, I delivered my testimony to a small group of people, as my final cleansing of the past abuse that was holding me captive. I needed to speak those words in order to finally have the peace I had so long for desired. One of the many bible verses I quoted was Romans 5:3. If I was to pick just one Bible verse as my life verse, this would be it:

"Not only so,

but we also rejoice in our sufferings,

because we know that suffering

produces perseverance;

perseverance, character;

and character, hope.

And hope does not disappoint us,

because God has poured out His love

into our hearts by the Holy Spirit,

whom he has given us." NIV

Pretty powerful. And again in James 1:4

"Perseverance must finish its work

so that you may be mature and complete,

lacking in nothing." NIV

But God, I don't want any more character. Don't I have enough?

Hear the cries of my heart, O God.

And yet, God continues to develop my character through perseverance because it is His plan for me. Sometimes I ask: "Will this ever end??? Will life EVER be easy?" I'm not sure I have the answer to these questions, but I do know one thing: I will not give up! Those two precious children waiting in Ethiopia are meant to be our children. I am meant to be their Mommy and David is meant to be their Daddy. It is part of God's bigger plan for us to raise them up in the Lord. My hope, yes HOPE, is that they will return to Ethiopia one day, to make a difference in the lives of their countrymen and women.

Little by little, piece by piece, God is changing me. Purging the cynicism from me, replacing it with a HOPE that only God can do.

"For I know the plans I have you,"

declared the Lord,

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you HOPE and a future.

Then you will call upon me

and come and pray to me,

and I will listen." Jer 29:11-12

"Come and pray to me....and I will listen."

Is that not an incredible promise???

Poppa, Poppa, can you hear me?????

2 Court Dates.......The Aftermath

2009-05-23T09:03:00.007-04:00

Honestly, I never saw myself writing this post. I had the pictures of my two beautiful Ethiopian children all queued up and ready to post to the world. So what happened....you ask?

Thursday, I took the day off to paint the girls' room. It had to be done and I might as well do something constructive while I waited for the call. The call came earlier than expected...around 11:30 EST. I knew immediately from the tone of Mary's voice that is was not the news we had expected. Yet the news wasn't totally bad. The birth father did not show up for court; Gladney sent someone to locate him and our court date was rescheduled for the following day, Friday. Ok,,,,,,another 24 hours: we could handle that. Honestly, we thought Friday was just a formality. Boy, were we wrong.......................

On Friday, instead of taking another day off, I decided to go to work with my husband so that we could celebrate the good news together. The morning dragged on; anxiety kicked in at a high speed and we jumped everytime the phone rang. At approximately 12:30, my cell phone rang. Immediately, I knew it was bad news. I felt like a deflated balloon....limp and in shock. Which later turned to anger.

In a nutshell, without disclosing too much information, the birth father did not satisfactorily answer the Judge's questions surrounded the paternity of his children. In the Judge's defense, I have to admire her for her courage to stand up and say that she need additional information regarding our childrens' parentage. Ethiopian and its people continue to surprise me with their integrity and always putting the best interests of the child at first.

Some of you will be angry at that statement, but let me explain. What are the best interests of the child(ren)? If we are to be totally honest with one another, we would say to be with their birth parents. That's how the Social Services system works here in our country too. The best interest of any orphan would be to stay with relatives, preferably their parents, in their own country and culture. Yet, we all know that life is not always a bowl of cherries. It's ugly, painful and not always what it appears to be. Life is hard. When we take off the rose colored glasses, we see despair from overwhelming poverty that pictures can never fully capture. Engaging all 5 senses is how I feel you need to experience poverty first hand to truly grasp how desperate these parents feel. International adoption is a final offering of love from the birth parents in an effort to do whatever it takes to give their children the chance for a better life. In some cases, it is the only chance for LIFE!

So today, I sit here, sad and depressed....and let's not forget frustrated and angry. This has been a long road for us.....Six deaths in our family in 18 months; ongoing delays in our adoption, uncertainty for what the future holds for us. Is God calling us to the mission field? Yes, we believe He is. I won't disclose more than that right now as the details are still not clear to us. But David and I both believe that God is preparing us for something bigger. He equips the called, He does not call the equipped. Nothing in our life has been easy...smooth sailing is not a description we would ever use to describe our life. Robert Frost's poem "The Road Less Travelled" can explain our life, but mostly, it wasn't what we chose for ourselves. It was the path God chose for us. God does have a purpose in this delay, and although I do not understand why, I am comforted in knowing He is right here beside me, holding me as I cry, as I struggle with an unquenchable desire to hold my children and tell them I love them.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveller,

long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood,

and I-- I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference...

Robert Frost

Not Today...

2009-05-22T12:48:00.001-04:00

we did not pass court....rescheduled for June 11th......

Not Today....Maybe Tomorrow

2009-05-21T11:38:00.002-04:00

Not today....but it was reschedule for tomorrow.

Please keep praying for us.....

The "In-Between"

2009-05-17T17:02:00.006-04:00

Daily life does get busy with children, and I'm sure to get busier when we bring Big and Little S home from Ethiopia, hopefully very soon! Yet, I still strive to find the time to do a daily devotion that was designed for busy women.

Our church, Front Street Baptist Church, provides for us monthly devotionals for both women and men, along with monthly magazines for families and parents. I must admit, I do enjoy them, when I find the time to do more than glimpse at them in passing. All of these wonderful devotions are published by http://www.lifeway.com/.

This week, there were two devotions that really struck a nerve with me. The first was title "The Waiting Room." Hmmmm....how appropriate; I could have used this devotions months ago (slight sarcasm). "Be silent before the Lord and wait expectantly for Him." Psalm 37:7 and "Samuel took the horn of oil, anointed (David) in the presence of his brothers, and the Spirit of the Lord took control of David. 1 Samuel 16:13. The first verse spoke of waiting, which is a requirement in international adoption, regardless of whether you want to or like to (additional sarcasm added). The devotion states: "Trust is usually developed during times of trials, even if waiting for God can sometimes be tough." ....."Trust is our gift back to God...the way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity, not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future." (Ruthless Trust).

The second devotion was even more meaninful to me. As I read it Saturday night, I honestly looked around the room to see if I could see God standing there reading it to me. The words literally jumped off the pages, singing a tune of their own to me. The devotion read: "Have you ever found yourself in a similar place (to the future King David, who was promised to be the future king at a very young age, yet spent many years hiding from King Saul, who was trying to kill him), truly believing God has shown you a passion to pursue and given you a vision for the future (emphasis mine), but then nothing seems to happen?" The devotion then goes ton to: "Most of your life will be lived in the in-between -- between times of action, clarity and accomplishment. Don't let this news discourage you. It's the middle time when God really goes to work hammering out the details of your character and preparing you for action. God is just as focused on developing you into someone who reflects His image as He is on completing a task."

Wow....I must say, I was a bit taken back. I never really felt the proverbial sledge hammer hit my head as hard as I did Saturday night. The "in-betweens" ....... the last 5 1/2 months have been one long in-between for me. Yet, as I reflected on these past few months, I get a better glimpse of why our wait has been so long. I'm thankful that God didn't wait years to reveal to me His purpose....His perfect timing in this, our 2nd adoption. He's been preparing me to be the mother of 4 small children.....he's developing, do I dare say, patience in me, along with a compassionate heart. All along, He's been preparing me to see the things He knows I'll see when we return to Ethiopia, things I've never seen before, knowing I wasn't ready to see them. How precious that God loves me so much that the time spent in-between are as important as the ultimate task at hand.

As we prepare for our court date next week, we've started the physical tasks of sorting and organizing stuff for our trip. Yet we will embark on a bigger journey, an emotional journey of "discovery" to Kidmia, in Gunchire, Ethiopia, who'se purpose is to provide a transitional Christian home for Ethiopian orphans that is eventually self-sustaining. This has become my passion -- this is what God has been preparing me for. As much as our first visit to Ethiopia changed us in ways we never anticipated, I am bracing myself for a whirlwind of emotions that I know only God can prepare me for as we experience first hand the true plight of the Ethiopian orphans.

1 Week to Go.....

2009-05-14T12:59:00.003-04:00

and counting. I'm ready to start counting the days now...... The last 7 weeks have flow by. We've been so busy trying to finish up the house, racing against the clock. I've looked back at how at the weeks have flown by. Today feels like it should be Friday. and honestly, I'm afraid the next 7 days are going to drag...like a child waiting for Santa to come.

We've started pulling together the stuff we need to pack: perishable food items for the plane, some humanitarian aid. Thanks to our wonderful church, Front Street Baptist Church , who supplied all of the diapers and wipes!!! My dining room table is starting to look like a packing table. I've hesitated to start packing until we passed court, for fear of having to unpack, like we did once before with Pickle's adoption, but I honestly have peace about our court date next week.

Last week, we received an amazing update with pictures of the kids. I stared at their picture on and off for hours and then days. It finally became real to me....I let myself get excited at the prospect of the reality of them finally coming home. It's been 5 1/2 months since our referral. We were wearing winter coats........today we are in shorts and flip flops. For many months, I had to shut my emotions down in order to get through the days and weeks. To watch others get court dates and travel before us was more than I could bear. It hurt so much. To love them so much, without being able to hold them was a form of torture for me.

And here we are, on the cusp of our court date. A myriad of emotions are running through me: anxiousness, nervous, excited, and a bit scared all at the same time. I just want to hold my babies.......and tell them in Amharic that I love them.

......and then I think of Coffeemom, who I haven't been able to get off my mind for days, and I somehow feel guilty (that's that Catholic upbringing coming back to haunt me!) for getting excited when they are now stuck in limbo. The court date is the final hoop you have to get through in international adoption, at least for Ethiopia. And yet, with that behind them, they are still left with feelings of uncertainty and the road ahead is unknown...new unchartered territory for international adoption. This road of international adoption is hard.....the highs are high and the lows are low. Unfortunately, you don't see the change coming either. Yet, in the end, when you meet your child(ren) for the first time, it all slips away.....until the next time. When, for us, the challenges and obstacles have been tougher than the first time. I ask myself all the time: God...what do you want me to learn from this experience????? So far, I can stand back and see how God has worked during the delays, but during those moments, we don't understand. We don't WANT to understand. Our inate mothering instinct works overtime and nothing we can do can change that.....

So, as time has slowed down, the house project still looms on. We are making progress by working til dark every night. David has taken time off work the past three days to try and get finished. I'm not sure if we'll make it or not, but we are close.....

Desperate Prayer Request

2009-05-11T09:13:00.005-04:00

I've been blogging now for approximately two years. Although I originally started to help communicate to friends and family about our adoption journey, I've discovered lately that my heart has slowly been changing. Blogging does not come without conflict. Most of us that have been doing this awhile have experienced the "backlash" of blogging when our written words sometimes do not convey the true character of our heart. Or in my case, specifically, my sometimes warped sense of humor can come across offensive in the written medium.

And sometimes, blogging can be used as an advocacy to promote/inform others of your passion. For me, I am incredibly and wholeheartedly passionate about the plight of orphans in this world. Strangely, I really didn't see this coming. I was a woman who didn't want children for so many years, but here I am, traveling down this road of motherhood AND advocacy, as uncomfortable and frightening as that may be.

So, with all that said......I'm urging, begging, and praying that this post from an adoptive mom will jolt you into action. I realize 'jolt' is a strong word, but this circumstance needs action fast. Prayer is a powerful tool. I ask that anyone who reads this post and the link to Coffeemom's blog, will at the very least, pray. If God is prompting you in another way to help; if for some strange reason, whomever reading this post has the power to change these circumstances and get this girl home, then God will get the glory!

Michelle & Tom....even thought we've never met, we share your pain, your hurt, and the agony as you wait to bring Marta home.

Garage: Check. Front Porch: Partial Check

2009-05-03T20:17:00.003-04:00

Ok..here it is. Still not quite finished. The contractor notified us at 4:30ish on Friday afternoon that we AGAIN needed to order additional siding supplies. We ran out of soffit for the ceiling of the front porch and some J channel that it connects too. David is placing what is hopefully our last order with them tomorrow.

We worked all day Saturday and got everything but the very top row of the front under the porch and the garage sided, plus major clean-up in the front yard. The mason has to come back when we are ready for him to block up the garage opening, so we'll wait until then to have him brick up the steps off the porch.

Ok...this picture is the one I need comments on. Does anyone notice anything wrong with this picture??????

Disappointment....Frustration.......Life????

2009-05-01T21:18:00.007-04:00

Looks pretty much the same, doesn't it? Well, that's what I thought. I'm disappointed...Honestly, I don't know how else to say it. After 14 weeks, I had hoped and expected that we'd be done by now. Yeah, I know, we've run into some unforseen problems that needed to be fixed, but 14 weeks????? Come on already.........

For the record.....these pictures, except for the red colored stucco work, is where the contractor finished. Also, for the record, David and I built the porch, put up the ceiling joists, rafters, dragged too many to count pieces of 3/4" plywood on the roof by ourselves, and shingled it. And,....put the two windows in the garage and reframed the wall. And....hung the OSB board on both the front of the garage and above the garage door.

When I came home from work today, I had expected the front of the house to be completed. Disappointed doesn't even begin to grasp my emotions when I drove up and didn't see shake siding on the front wall of my house.

So.....where do we go from here???? David and I will finish it out...as of 5pm tonight, the contractor is done. Honestly, our budget for the house is busted and I refuse to tap into my emergency money OR my travel money to Africa. So, the only other option we were left with is to finish it ourselves.....with a race against time to complete before May 21st (our court date). Theoretically, we probably have until the end of May to finish, but hey, I'd like to have some fun on our boat before we travel.......

Yes...that's my beautiful daughter and highly educated husband in his alter-ego: Wanna-be contractor!!!

We ran out of stucco dye, so I had to run to Lowe's and get another bottle to finish up the wall to match the brick around the front of the house.

So, tomorrow, we assess our siding supplies, knowing we need to order the rest of the material for the ceiling of the porch, and then get to work siding the rest of the front of the garage, and hopefully, the front of the house too. When that's done, we'll (notice I say "we????") cut up a 12" wide piece of the garage floor with a diamond blade and pour a footer. Then, our fabulous mason will come back and block up the garage and put the steps in the front off the porch. Then...(are you tired yet????) we'll rough out where the windows and door will go; fix the roof on the third garage, and then finish up the siding. Next year, when we receive our hefty tax refund, courtesy of a nice adoption tax credit, we'll finish the den, aka former garage, in order to have a bigger family room/den. But....that's next year's project.....I think we've taken on more than enough for one year.....

Til tomorrow........

Progress....We're Making Progress

2009-04-30T16:01:00.005-04:00

This side of the house, except for the garage, of course, is now completely done. The contractors are working on the siding the soffits/facia of the front porch, then they can side the front of the house.

In the picture below, you can see the shake siding in the front of the dormers...the entire front of the house under the front porch will be done with the same shake siding!!! We are really getting excited on how it's all coming together.

We will add a narrow deck on this side of the house, but that probably won't get done until after our trip to Africa.

This next picture makes me sad. We had to cut down the maple tree because it died. All the backhoe work in adding the retaining wall against the back of the "motorcycle" garage did it's damage, and the tree could not recover. I'm sad because I love my trees...and it provided great shade on the back deck. After David cut the tree down, we realized it had already started to die; the center of the tree had started to rot.

On the adoption front --- we are exactly three weeks from our court date. I'm getting really excited....and nervous that the house won't be finished, or we'll be exhausted by the time we finish and we'll literally stumble off the plane in Addis. We've started looking into airfares...I'm very happy to say that the airfare is a tad bit cheaper than we expected. Still very expensive, considering 5 of us will be travelling, plus my girlfriend from Connecticut.

House Update

2009-04-25T20:31:00.008-04:00

Hot, tired, and sunburned...Who would have thought it would go from 40 degrees to 88 degrees. Anyway, we survived working outside all day, but boy, are we tired and sunburned. I thought there was a tube of sunscreen somewhere, but I couldn't find it. Thankfully, I'm the only one that got a really bad case of sunburn......

Ok...First picture is of the house on Thursday......I hated the way the garage looked from the very first day we looked at the house. That window is just hideous....Well, I'm happy to announce that it is GONE>>>GONE>>>>GONE!!!!! Thursday night after work, David and I worked til about 9:30 framing out and setting the windows (picture 2). We had to put the Masonite board back up where the original window was to keep anyone from ransacking the garage. Not that we thought it would happen, but you just never know!

This morning, David took down all of the Masonite board...you can see Matthew carrying some of it to the "burn pile" in the back yard! And you see that UGLY door....gone!!!!! We did that today too!

And finally......ready to side.......here the front of the garage...doesn't it look pretty?????? We aren't happy with the way the block work came out where the door was -- we plan on fixing it somehow -- probably stutco-ing the entire front of the garage...since it doesn't match the rest of the house.

On the adoption front, nothing new...except we are less than 4 weeks away from our court date and racing against the clock to finish the house. The house project is extemely overbudget -- that's what happens when your house is over 60 years old! So, we are having to finish up a lot of the stuff ourselves........It's that, or we dip into our travel money for Ethiopia and only I travel, and honestly, I just don't want David and Matthew to miss the opportunity to meet Big and Little S as a family!

Passion = Inspiration = Blogging With a Cause: www.kidmia.org

2009-04-18T04:17:00.007-04:00

4:18 am isn't my best time.......I thought I'd given up the middle of the night feedings when Pickles started sleeping through the night, and again when we past the teething hurdle. Yet, here I am......my eyes trying to focus on the brightness of my laptop screen in the darkness of the night.

Inspiration has struck me at 4:00 am this morning......I've tossed and turned and finally figured out what God has in store for me, besides being a wife and mother to 4 children under the age of 10! But first a brief synopsis of how I got to where I am today..................

In 2004, at 40 years of age, I graduated from college with a Business Administration/Marketing Degree. I really, really, really wanted to get a degree in women's studies, yet felt the pressure of my mom's urging from a very young age that I needed to have "marketable skills" that would enable me to provide for myself. You see, she was in a very oppressive and controlling marriage to my father. I have since coined my childhood as "Dysfunction Junction." So, against my desire to pursue a "Women's Studies" degree, I, once again, did what I thought I should do and completed my Business Administration Degree with a concentration in Marketing. Ironically, today I work part-time in my husband's business as the bookkeeper. Funny, I never saw myself doing that.

A few years later....a few children later........and along comes the Kidmia Foundation. Not sure how it came about initially, but I believe it is the brain child of an inspiring man named Scott Brown of The Gladney Center for Adoption in Fort Worth, Texas. We had the privilige of meeting him personally in November 2007, in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia when we were there picking up our then 8 month old daughter, Pickles.

I don't believe in coincidences -- during a conversation at lunch on our first full day in Ethiopia, Scott told us why he was there and where he was heading to in southern Ethiopia. A little dumbfounded, I then asked him if he knew what my husband did for a living??? Of course he didn't, so we proceeded to tell him: my husband has been in the woodworking industry for YEARS, and has taught thousands of studends how to run grinders and moulders. Hmmmm....the plight of the orphan (my husband's passion) = Ethiopia = Kidmia = my marketing degree. Does God have a sense of humor, because I'm finally figuring out how my life is all fitting together. Finally, some of those puzzle pieces that have been missing for years have surfaced.

Briefly, The Kidmia Foundation is providing a safe, self-sustaining community in rural Ethiopia for orphans with the goal of working with local churches to help facilitate the transition of finding forever Christ-loving families within Ethiopia! Wow...I'm inspired...........I'm excited........but mostly I'm passionate about this cause......because we can make a difference in the life of a child.

I have been up most of the night thinking how to promote this wonderful cause.......and have truly found my vocational passion....after all these years.

Please, watch this video at http://www.kidmia.org/. (If anyone can tell me how to post this video to my blog, I'd much appreciate it!)

Now I'm off to bed in hopes of catching a few winks before Pickles, aka Sassy Pants wakes up! Gotta love 2!!!!!!

Spiritual Markers, Anniversaries, Birthdays, etc.

2009-04-05T19:09:00.008-04:00

There are dates in our lives that we remember forever;, some, like birthdays and wedding anniversaries, are always remembered with a smile. Others anniversaries, like the death of a loved one, almost always results in pain resurfacing. For me, April 8th is the day I dread all year......Four years ago on Wednesday, April 8th, will mark the anniversary of my mom's death. Sounds kind of dreary, doesn't it. For those of you that have not yet experienced this, and are fortunate enough to have you mom and dad still with you hear on Earth, you may not understand the pain that comes with losing your mom or dad.

Today, we embarked on a journey we haven't done in two years......the trip to the cemetary where my mom is buried. I use the word "buried" lightly because my mom chose to be "placed" in a masoleum "slot" rather than be buried in the ground. Actually, she begged and pleaded with me to make sure my father didn't bury her in the ground. Morbid, I know, but once you've experienced it like we have, it does become a part of life you can't avoid, no matter how much you'd like to.

My mom's last resting place is about 2 1/2 hours from our house. During my mom's illness, I would travel weekly to her house/hospital. On the way, I passed this beautiful waterfall park, yet never took the time to stop. Seeing my mother, spending time with her was paramount because I didn't know how much time I had left with her. Ironically, almost 4 years to the day later, we stop to admire the beautiful waterfalls that sit literally on the side of the road.

Enjoy the pictures, even if my post was depressing and gloomy.......

Finally....a Porch Floor!

2009-03-27T16:27:00.007-04:00

We got an update from Mary, our caseworker yesterday. I tried to post this post yesterday, but didn't get around to it! So...here it is......makes my cry!

"Big S & Little S got their letters. Big S said to tell his brother that he does like to read, and he can't wait to play with him. He said to tell mom and dad that he can't wait for them to come to Ethiopia and that he loves them. Little S loved her letter. She was upset about something when I came to visit with them and as soon as she saw the letter and picture she smiled and kept telling me to look at the picture. Big S explain to her again who everyone was in the picture. They are both very excited about their new family."

The other great, exciting news is that they poured the cement in the floor of our porch yesterday morning! Looks like we are a "go" to raise the porch roof on Saturday. We weren't quite sure if we were going to be able to get the columns in on time, but they are being delivered on Friday! The siding is progressing too......

We continue to be WAY overbudget....stressing a lot about that......

WE HAVE A COURT DATE!!!! WHOEEEEEEE

2009-03-25T14:39:00.002-04:00

I got the call a few minutes before I had to run out the door and pick up Squeeker from school...our court date is: May 21st!!!! I am so excited, and honestly, a little shocked! I was expected a court date sometime in June...so this is good....really good!!!

Guess I need to pick out a paint color now. I have the swatches lying on the quilt in the girls' room.....just need to decide what color......lavender or green?????? Any thoughts?

What Happens When You Leave a 2 Year Old with Daddy

2009-03-21T08:54:00.006-04:00

Did you know that men have an aversion towards diapers? Ok, most of you that are reading this blog are probably women, so I know you are all shaking your heads in agreement.

Every other Friday evening I have to make the trek in Charlotte to drop of Squeeker with his father, my ex-husband. Most of the times, the trip is annoying long, fighting Friday night traffic on the way home. Last night was no exception, except there was an accident near the Lake exit which backed the traffic up for miles going and coming. Last night, I planned a little excursion to the mall after I dropped him off. Some much needed alone time to look for a new pair of casual black shoes since I literally wore my other ones out! Normally, I would have enjoyed that time tremendously.....but last night, believe it or not, I could not find a pair of shoes to buy! As I looked around the new styles in the mall, I felt oddly out of touch with fashion and very much in touch to life as a mom with young children. My greatest fear to to be frumpy, like my own mom was (God rest her soul). Could that possibly be happening to me??????

Anyway, I picked up a few essentials while I was there and headed home. My dear, dear sweet husband, I am now completely convinced, does have an aversion towards changing diapers. Since it's been raining here a lot for the past few weeks, we haven't had a chance to do yard clean up from the construction going on. Instead of making dinner, he decides to have Pickles help him outside in the yard. Hey, I do that too when I need to get some gardening done in my flower garden. What do you think happened when Pickles announces: "Daddy, I have to go potty?" Yep, you guessed it. My husband has been in the Boy Scouts for 40+ years and no, they didn't go inside to go potty......he sat her on the new retaining wall...and let her pee. If I wasn't so disgusted at the thought, I'd be laughing my tushie off! Here's the now famous wall:

Update on the House:

Before picture with partial siding up... The bathroom window had already been moved, but they hadn't raise the roof to the shed yet.

The progress on the house has been painstakenly slow. The drawback of buying an older house is wear and tear of 60+ years. The roof was new when we bought the house, but whomever did it had no idea what they were doing. We had leaks at the roof seams until David patched it will tar. All of the flashing was installed wrong, so a large part of the garage roof and it's rafters were rotted. We had another section with a rotted rafter above the den. We had to move the bathroom window up 8 inches and over 12 to allow adequate room for the flashing, which allowed us to raise the roof of the the shed, aka "Sugar Shack." Now they are working on the sunroom......

Not quite done with the back, but WOW....what a difference!

14 Weeks and Waiting....

2009-03-19T17:01:00.008-04:00

Today marks the 14th week of waiting for a court date. Honestly, I don't know what else to say. I'm discouraged, disgusted, frustrated, and depressed.

But we did have fun today at Jetton Park with a SAHM group, our our ever so faithful friend, April. Thanks for the fun day!!!!

Where Have I Been the Last Week???

2009-03-15T13:24:00.008-04:00

The Beautiful Cooper River Bridge

A house on the Battery. The porch is called a Piazza in Charleston.....

Ok, I have to admit, I kind of went into hiding, but not intentionally. David and I took Pickles to Charleston, SC for her birthday weekend. If you remember from her last post, she was running a pretty high fever the morning we were suppose to leave. I was able to get the fever under control, so David said: "let's go.......nothing a little motrin and tylenol won't take care of." And for the most part, he was right......until the ride home when she got reallllllllllllllly sick. After a trip to the pediatrician on Monday morning, we discovered not only did she have the flu, but she had bronchitis too (the deep cough started early Monday morning). And if this wasn't bad enough, I ended up at my doctor's on Tuesday diagnosed with a sinus infection and Pickles ended up with the stomach virus on top of everything else. Last week was one of those weeks you wish you could just erase from the calendar.

So, let me tell you about our trip to Charleston. We decided to be adventurous and leave the pack and play at home. Why not, we thought, she's TWO!!!!!! She's almost ready to come out of the crib into a big girl bed, let's give it a try...how bad could it be??? Let's just say we won't try that again. Honestly, I think a lot of the 'middle of the night' crying was more related to not feeling good than anything else. By Saturday night, we moved the mattress of the sofa bed on the floor and she slept through most of the night....but the damage had been done to this set of "OLD" parents....and we were pretty worn out!

But the weather was perfect......high 60s on Saturday, low 80s on Sunday. We went to SC Aquarium at the Charleston harbor, the Ft. Sumpter museum (pretty cool stuff for those Civil War buffs), walked the Battery, had a nice dinner overlooking the Atlantic ocean, and finally, on Sunday, took a historic carriage ride around Charleston. Oh my.....I have fallen in love with Charleston. The old homes, the history......it was just beautiful. It reminded me a lot of Newport, RI.

The rest of the last week was spent nursing a very sick little girl and just getting through it.

We also got this precious update from Mary,,,our fabulously wonderful casework at Gladney:

"Big S & Little S received your packages the other day. They were so excited to get them. They both loved the crayons and coloring books. Big S is so patient with Little S. He had been coloring carefully in his coloring book when Little S suddenly wanted it. He gave it to her,letting her color all over his carefully colored page, while he happily colored in another coloring book. Big S wants to know when you come if he can send gifts to his friends when he gets home with you. Little S was very generous with her gift and went and tried to share a crayon with one of the older girls. The older girl wouldn't take the crayon and Little S was a little disappointed. Big S and Little S are both doing well."

I've also started cleaning out the girl's room getting it ready to move Pickles into a big girl bed. I'm almost finished, but have to clean out a closet before I can put away all the toys I organized and sorted in plastic tubs. I did put their new quilt on the girls' bed, ordered sheers for the windows and have started trying to pick out a color to paint their room. So we are making progress in getting ready for Big and Little S to come home.....

I also wanted to extend a heartfelt thank you to a dear friend at church: Mitzi. Mitzi.....your words today meant more to me than I can ever express. Thank you for understanding how I feel and for your kind, kind words. You truly were the angel I needed today!

Delays....Delays....Delays....UPDATED.....

2009-03-06T09:42:00.003-05:00

I wasn't going to post today...or tomorrow.....or the next day until we got a court date. But I must confess, after reading the Fournet's blog and Becca's blog this morning, I was convicted to document our journey through this second adoption......even the moments where the struggle is the most intense, and the emotions are crashing like a tsunami wave.

For the record...I just want everyone to know that I just adore Becca and her courage to be real.....Becca...you are my hero! I'm still afraid of what people will think...or what they'll think, or worse...that they will judge me for being real. So Becca....this one's for you! Thank you for your inspiration!

And to dear Natalie.......Natalie.....my heart is breaking for you as mine is breaking for my own children still waiting. I know your wait is longer...and has been more agonizing...but I do feel your anquish......and I understand...truly understand your pain.

Mary called yesterday afternoon with some relatively good news. But to me....I could only see an additional two to three weeks delay in obtaining a court date. I need that court date...I need sometime tangible to hold on to......I need a date to post on the calendar to work towards. And yesterday.....when I knew it would be another few weeks before I would have that date,,,,I lost it...and sobbed on the phone to Mary. I've been holding it in for weeks, and yesterday was just more than I could bear.....so I sobbed.....and sobbed....and sobbed.

And today, I'm moving on. Today is my sweet Drama Girl, aka Pickle's 2nd birthday. Today, she'll have cute little cupcakes....today we sang her Happy Birthday and are telling EVERYONE it's her birthday!! Today.....is her day! In the car this morning, she sang her own version of Jesus Loves Me...it went like this:

Mommy loves me, this I know....for the Bible tells me so.

Squeeker loves me, this I know....for the bible tells me so.

Repeat....repeat....repeat....repeat....repeat....

My heart melted.....and just a tiny bit of my heart healed this morning.

Tonight, my sweet husband, Pickles and I are heading out for a short birthday-bash weekend in Charleston, SC. Thank goodness for Hilton points and 80 degree weather coming our way!

But before that, I am treating myself to a much needed massage to help relax my muscles and my nerves.

For today......there is a glimmer of hope....I'm coming out of the darkness and can see a sliver of light at the end of tunnel.....God promises us in Psalms 23......."Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me." These last few weeks there has only been one set of Footprints, because God has been carrying me.

Update:

A mere five minutes of breathing lavender.....a mere five minutes of hot packs relaxing the tense muscles in my back......a mere five minutes of tranquility. I'm starting to relax....I'm starting to breath.........A knock on the door...there is an emergency......Pickles is running a fever of 103.7 and David is in the middle of running a big load of moulding through the moulder. My head crashes against the head rest in defeat......are there breaks for me in this life lately????? Honestly, I cannot take much more. Around ever corner, Satan seems to be lurking....trying to break me...but he can't win......he cannot win. I am a child of God and he will not win.

Beautiful....Beautiful......Beautiful.....SNOW!!!!!!!

2009-03-02T08:11:00.009-05:00

Oh my...it is absolutely beautiful out! Who would have thought a major snow storm would hit North Carolina in March?????

Squeeker's comments spoken just moments ago: "Mommy....this is such a God moment!"

Here's a peak......more pics to come later of the kids in the snow!

Squeeker making a snow angel.

I love this one.....we finally were able to get Pickles, aka, DRAMA GIRL, on the sled. She does not like the snow. Her exact quote: "Snow bit me." Well.....if she would keep her mittens on it might not be so bad!!!

The beginning of the meltdown........

One Day I'll Look Back on this Time and Laugh

2009-02-26T19:40:00.004-05:00

One day, a long time from now, I'll look back and laugh at all that's transpired these last few weeks. But for right now, I'm wallowing in a big pool of self-pity, not to mention being a bit overwhelmed.

First, I'd like to congrats all those families that received court dates this week. But if I am to be brutally honest, and those of you know that know me well, know that I am honest to a fault, I'm not dealing with it all too well. One of these days I'll learn to tame the tongue, but today that just doesn't seem to be in the cards for me, in spite of all the prayers I've prayed. I'm having a pity party......you know the deal: woah is me.....blah....blah...blah....it's not fair,,,,,blah...blah..blah. You get the the point. Miserable and pathetic.......that is how I feel. Not to mention heart broken.

Althougth I've tried, honestly from the bottom of my heart, to be happy for those of you, inside my heart is breaking and aching for my children waiting for me. Knowing they are old enough to understand they have a new family; but not old enough to grasp WHY we aren't there yet, it is incredibly hard from an ocean away.

One day I'll look back on this and be able to see God's perfect plan. But today, I can't. I've tried, oh, have I tried. The well wishers have told me "all in God's timing." And if I must be boldly honest, I really don't want to hear about God's perfect timing. I can't hear that without my heart breaking because in my earthly heart, I don't understand WHY we are still waiting after 11 weeks and others are not. Selfish, yes, I know. But I would be doing a disservice to anyone out there to tell you that I'm OK....because I'm not OK. And I won't be OK until we get through court and are on our way to them.

I wasn't going to write this....I was going to go into blog hiding and pretend all was well. But I can't.........and others that have waited longer than we have know how we feel. There are no words of comfort, no bible passages that can take away the pain in my heart.

And as if this wasn't enough.....we've taken on a big undertaking in finishing up the outside of our house. What a nightmare..........I live in the MONEY PIT! It's like peeling an onion, not quite knowing whether the onion is bad until you peel the layers off. And every layer we remove, there is a smelly, dirty, and usually rotting wood underneath. So, we've totally blown our budget; I'm overwhelmed with how much more this is going to cost us and WHERE the money is going to come from. Honestly, we can't stop now.........Today we found out that we have another rotten rafter........at least three feet up from the soffit. Solution = tear off two layers of shingles, rip off the plywood and repair yet another rafter to stabilize the roof. Hmmm.....that wasn't in the budget. Did I mention we already did this over the garage???????? The garage...oh what a mess the garage was. I can't even begin to go there........

So, you say, we have a lot of stress in our lives right now.....Enough to bust most people. But God.....he's got a sense of humor. My Mom used to tell me that all the time.....and she was right. On top of all this, David's elderly aunt (never married; no children) has supported herself her entire life, saved for retirement, went to college....did the "American Dream." And then the bottom of the credit market dropped out, the stock market crashed, and what was left of her entire portfolio was Bank of America stock. Do you see where this is going?????? Let me sum it up by saying she didn't qualify for Medicaid initially because she made too much money. If anyone of you have voted for a liberal Democrat, you might want to stop reading because I'm about to get on my soap-box.

How is it that a deserving woman who's supported herself for her entire life, paid into the system...blah...blah...blah, is now not qualified because she makes too much money in her Social Security check????? I'm having a difficult time getting my arms around the 'system' we've greated in this country that enables those that feel they are "entitled," or worse yet, those that continue the cycle living off the welfare system. What is wrong with us? How did we get so far off track from the American Dream....of working hard.......sweat labor.......sacrificing to get ahead. Or, worse.....what happened to helping our neighbors? Do any of us really know our neighbors????? OH my goodness....I am angry.....and disgusted....and fed up....and frustrated......and just plain disgusted.

What happened to having pride in ourselves and taking care of our families????????? What is happening to our country?????????? I know.....we've created a society of entitlement and government subsidies. Honestly, I pay into the system and have always paid into the system........I'm paying my taxes, and working hard for someone else to get a free ride. And I'm mad....I'm really mad. And I'm tired of it. How can we let this happen to a sweet 82 year old woman??????? Where is the justice in our country??????? It's OK not to work, get pregnant on purpose, and have the baby delivered on Medicaid????? Back in my day, you don't plan a pregnancy you can't afford. Accidents, surprises, OOOOPS pregnancies happen all the time...I get that...But to purposefully plan a pregnancy when you know you can't afford it, yet do it anyway????? And who pays????? I do.....and every hard working middle class American pays.....that's who bales them out.

Yep....I'm angry.........and I'm entitled to be angry. See how much they like that.

Monthly Update From Gladney on the Kids - REVISED

2009-02-17T11:34:00.006-05:00

Still no court date, but we should get one this week....Whoeoee!!! That will be a nice relief to get that behind us!

About two hours ago, I wrote this post with lots of hope that we'd hear something this week on a court date. I sit here, on the verge of crying, after my phone call with Mary. It seems that it is our lot in life to have paperwork issues for our adoptions. And this one is no different.........there is a document that is incorrect and it'll take three weeks to get it redone. Local courts are closed for a few weeks, and our case has to go through local courts again to correct the document, then we can submit it to federal court. So, what does that mean???? It means that it will be another 3 weeks before our completed file can be submitted to federal court for the final court date. I was not aware there was more than one court date, but there is. A successful local court date must occur in order for your file to be considered complete for submission for a federal court date. What complicates the situation is the local court is where the orphanage is located, and the orphanage that our children came through is a few hours away from Addis, the capital of Ethiopia. And a few hours away is not like a ride down the interstate like it is here in the US......So we wait........................

Anyway, we got our monthly update and picture of the kids.

“Big S had a huge smile when I told him I was writing to you. He is doing well. Along with the other older children he works hard on his schoolwork during the day. He was very excited to have his picture taken but was very serious about getting it taken. He got Little S and put his arm around her. Then he waited patiently, standing very still, for the flash. Little S and I have become good friends. She is very cute. When the kids go outside to play she loves to get a soccer ball to herself and let it roll a few feet away and then chase it. She also likes to roll the ball back and forth with someone. She talks a lot, I don't understand any of it but it's really sweet to listen to.”

What suprised me most about the newest picture is how tiny Little S is...I mean she is REALLY TINY. Smaller than Pickles and we know how BIG Pickles is. She's not quite 2 and wearing 3T clothes already!!!

Drew & Carey are leaving Saturday for Addis to pick up Tigist. They are taking a package for us for the kids. Little S has her third birthday coming up in late March. We were hoping we'd be picking her up in late March, but we know now that's just not going to happen! We send both Little S and Big S a gift bag with coloring books, crayons, some ABC books to help both of them learn their letters. And Little S also got a Dora the Explorer Matching Game!!!

The construction on the house is going well. The mason started today to build the foundation for the front porch. The contractor is working on framing out all the windows with pvc = no maintenance EVER!!!! The house basically looks the same as it did last week, so I'll post more pictures when we can see a noticable change!

Did you notice that I was practicing with the new fonts .... not sure which one I like yet!

Construction Updates

2009-02-12T14:21:00.012-05:00

Front of the house with seal fixed below door and wood siding put up where original front porch was.

Front showing fixed seal under front door and wood siding put above door.

Partial poured footers....the contractor made a mistake and has to repour the footers against the house later today.

Repoured a non-existant footer at the corner of the garage....the garage was added after the original house was built. We don't know exactly what year it was built, but we do know there is basically no footers around the entire perimeter of the garage. Nice, huh???? Instead of demo-ing, we are gradually adding the footers. The cement footer you see in this picture was where the worst of the settling was -- approx 1-1/2 - 2". When I came home from work on Monday, a jack was basically holding up that corner of the garage.

2nd pour -- of the front of the garage.

Whew..it has been a week! David has been detained in Indiania through Friday....and the contractor is working really hard. The mason is starting on Monday to do the block work for the front porch and retaining wall against the back side of the driveway.

Overall, the work has been going well. I have to take pictures of the retaining wall footers in he back of the house. When I went home at 1:00, they had the upstairs bathroom window out and were replacing the rotted wood before they reset the window.

I know it doesn't look like much has been accomplished -- that's what I thought before I became experienced in construction (not by choice!!!). Next week, things should move at a much more visible pace!

When we get the call on the court date, I'll post. As of right now, we don't expect to hear anything until next week!

Update on Court - REVISED

2009-02-06T15:45:00.004-05:00

No...we don't have a court date yet, but we just got word that our file is now complete and submitted to court for a court date. We should hear within the next two weeks when our court date is. We were told that another family received a court date this week for the end of April, so ours will probably be in mid-May.

The timing will probably work out better -- I won't have to take Squeeker out of school. I wish it was sooner....like tomorrow, but it isn't and I just have to deal with it.

So, what have we been doing during the wait for a court date. We've been connecting with other families that have adopted from Ethiopia. This is the best part of waiting....and adoption -- the friends you make along the way. Here's my friend April's kids:

Little Bit

Little Bit and Pickles, aka Drama Girl

Little Bit & Buttercup

Buttercup and Peanut

Peanut

Peanut and Pickles running......

Other than having fun......we are working on a total overhaul on the outside of our house. Our house is an 1940-1950ish Cape Cod farmhouse. When we bought it in 2004, we gutted most of the inside of the house, knocked out some walls, added a master bath with a huge jacuzzi tub (funny story there....we only have a 2" well -- it takes 3 tries of filling up the tank and 45 minutes to fill up the tub), redid the sunroom (our favorite room in the house), redid the kitchen. Inside, the house looks brand new. Outside...well, that's a different story. We planned on siding the house a few years ago....we bought motorcycles instead. Then, we were going to side the house, but felt God leading us towards adoption (and we all know how much that costs!). We did manage to put a deck on the back of the house and redo the shed going into the cellar. And finally, we have enough money AND the time to do the rest of the work. So, we are adding an 8' wide front porch on the front of the house, fixing all of the rotten wood, putting a retaining wall against the back driveway, and finally cementing part of the driveway for a basketball court!!! I was going to wait and post the before and after pictures, but since we have at least a few months before our court date, I thought I would journal our lastest project.

Here's the "before" picture, before we removed all of the masonite siding and little front porch over the steps.

Here's after we removed the little front porch and masonite siding.

This is the sun porch, after we removed the stairs and shrubs.

Gotta love this one -- footers dug out for the 8' wide front porch.

REVISED**** Oooopss...forgot the N-600 & and Update on the Kids

2009-01-26T14:28:00.007-05:00

I saw this video on another blog and had to share it......I can't imagine watching the horrors of poverty and not being moved to act.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3v7ZQUzr0yo

For those newbies to adoption, please, please, please don't do what I forgot to do! I forgot to file for Pickle's N-600 -- which is the form you need to fill out to obtain US citizenship. How could I have forgotten? Hmmm.... could it be our lives were full of other stuff, which would be a great excuse. Honestly, I just forgot. The funny thing is that I felt this nagging feeling that something wasn't right.......like I was forgetting something. I went to our local SS office last week and changed Pickle's name on her SS card. When we first came home, we filed for a SS card after we received her permanent green card. Then we filed for readoption and name change in our local county, waiting 4+ months and celebrated when her file was officially stamped/recorded in Raleigh. I then ordered her Certificate of Identification, the equivalent of a birth certificate. Since she's foreign born, she can't get a "birth certificate" from the US; the CofI is her official "birth document."

So...time ticked by...we got a referral for two more children in December, and I got swept up in all the excitement, and then the holidays came. The surprise that I forgot something so important made me question what type of mom can I be to forget something SO IMPORTANT!!!! I could either get caught up in the self-pity, or just chalk it up as a learning experiene for the next time....I think I'll choose the latter.......

Most of the day Friday, I spent pulling together all the required documents and filling out the N-600. Around mid-morning, I called the 800 number for USCIS -- was told I needed to go in person to my local office. So I scheduled an appointment through INFOPASS, drove all the way to Charlotte today only to find out that you have to mail in the forms/required paperwork and wait for them to make an appointment for you to return with your child/ren for a swearing to tell the whole truth and nothing but the whole truth.....I was soooo aggravated..especially since I did my homework and called before I went. Then...if that's not enough (gotta love the Government) .....the list of documents required to file with the N-600 was more than what is listed on the USCIS website. Tonight or tomorrow, I'll have to go through all my official documents (marriage certs, birth certs, divorce certs, etc) for David and I and add to the pile of paperwork to mail in! Hopefully, someone will learn from this experience and not have to go through what I did.

Also, last week was a tough week for me. We are still waiting for a court date. Honestly, I never thought for one minute that we'd STILL be waiting for one at the end of January. It's been really hard.......so I caved to my emotions and emailed Mary T., our wonderfully fantastic caseworker. She called me back....I guess my email sounded a little desperate.....Here's what I found out through talking to Mary.

It's taking 6 - 8 weeks to get a court date from the date you accepted your referral. This time is necessary to prepare your file for court. At this time, we are still waiting for a document(s) that is required for our file to be complete before they can request a court date. Your file must be complete before you can even submit it for a court date.

Once submitted to the courts for a court date, it takes about a week and a half to get an actual court date. As of last week, our file had not been submitted for a court date, so we are probably a few more weeks out (arhghghghhghghghghghgh............).

Court dates are being scheduled approximately 10 weeks out. Soooo,,,if you wait 8 weeks for a court date, count another 10 weeks for the actual court date. We are now looking into April for a court date. I'm praying that it's not April 8th, which is the 4th anniversary of my mom's death. I know it would be God's way of showing me I need to celebrate my mom's death, but honestly, I don't know if I'm there yet.......

The reason why I was having a hard week last week was the email I received early last week from Christy letting me know she was unable to get any pictures of the kids for us. (Please know that I know this is not Christy's fault...she really tried hard to get me some pictures -- thank you Christy for all of your efforts!) Gladney put a new policy into effect for the protection of the children. Only families picking up children from the older childrens house will be allowed to visit -- that's the house with children from the ages of 2 - 11. Apparently, it's been really hard on the children, especially those that have not been matched with a family. I totally understand...and realize these children are very smart and aware of exactly what's going on. During our wait, we will have to rely totally on the updates from Gladney on our children.

For all of those families that did provide updates, comments and pictures of our children, we are incredibly grateful and cherish every one of them.

And today, totally unexpected.....I got an email from Mary with three new pictures and an update!!! You know I can't share the pictures, but here's the update:

"Big S wanted me to tell you that he can't wait to see you and that he wonders when you are coming. I asked him if he likes school and all the other kids said yes right away, then he smiled and said yes. He was happy to get a picture taken for you. Today is a holiday so he was off from school and dressed in the traditional Ethiopian clothes. Little S was sleeping when I got here this afternoon but when she woke up Big S got her for a picture. Little S is a cutie. She followed me around the other day saying nay, nay (come, come). She wanted to play hand games like the older kids were doing. I stopped and sat down and she proudly hit her hands against mine a few times. Big S and Little S are both doing well.”

So the clock ticks....and we wait...knowing their is a purpose in the wait......if only it was easier.........

Visiting with Blog Friends

2009-01-22T19:48:00.015-05:00

Wow..what a day! Becca and her three beautiful children came to our house today for a visit! We had a great time!!! Meeting Becca in person is so much better than knowing her from her blog!

Sammy was a little irritable at first. Poor thing is teething! And Pickles is teething her 2 year molars, so we know all about that!!!

Now,,,,,isn't Leah beautiful!!!!

Leah & Pickles.........

Sammy & Pickles (don't know why the pictures is sideways -- it isn't on the camera card.

Beautiful Becca.................with the hair in motion look!

A wild and noisy moment...............

A calmer moment...food always calms them down!!!!

I love this one of Leah feeding meely worms to our Chinese Water Dragons, Lucas and Lucy. No pictures of the lizards -- sorry to disappoint you all!

The kids all got along really well, although it was really loud (but I like that!!). Today was preparing me for what it is going to be like when we bring Big S and Little S home! Whew...it's going to be crazy!

We had fun working on Sam's hair -- I gave Becca a lesson on what I had learned from Ms. Terri's website and Ms. Terri herself (she's an awesome resource!). Becca took the pictures of me working on Sammy's hair, so you'll have to check her website for those (I'm afraid to look!)

What I learned today:

1. My daughter is bossy!

2. Pickles did OK with kids her age playing with her toys. I was really afraid she'd have that "toddler meltdown" that is so famous at this age...but she didn't. I was really proud of her!

3. I love Becca.....she's even better in person!

4. Four kids under 5 in the house = chaos!!! Whew...but it was a blast!

5. I don't mind have a messy house when the kids are smiling and having fun!

6. If this is what being "a stay at home mom" is all about...I'm all for it!

Still NO COURT DATE>>>>>

2009-01-20T16:19:00.008-05:00

Ugh...I'm getting really frustrated on the lack of activity on the court date....so much so that I sent an email to Mary with a list of questions of what could be holding us up from getting one!

My husband's face echos MY feelings...but not his.........he has the patience of Job.

And this is the wee bit of snow we got last night...Sad because we were hoping for more!!

Grandbaby G

2009-01-18T16:02:00.005-05:00

Today, we had a surprise visit from David's daughter, Debby and her husband....and of course, beautiful Baby G. She's not quite 3 months old -- can you believe how big she is? That's what happens when you deliver a 9 lb baby (OUCH!!) without pain meds. Debby is now is my hero!!!!

Update ....Update......Update.....

2009-01-14T16:07:00.007-05:00

A very rare picture of me, especially one without make-up on....ugh!

Anyway...an update from Gladney came yesterday...Surprisingly to me, I received another update from another family that just returned from Ethiopia!!!! Thank you so much Karen for this update:

"I wanted to let you know that I met both of your adorable children. Oh, they are SO precious.
Little S is just a wonderful, happy, energetic (yes, energetic!) girl. The caretakers love her. They told me she is so smart and acts like she is at least 4 years old. She is something special.

As for Big S, oh, what a doll. My husband, David, and I spent a lot of time with him. He is so personable, adorable, happy and just loving. He has a lot of friends there. He is so observant and quick thinking. The day after Christmas, Gladney took the older kids to an indoor amusement facility - kind of like a Chuck N Cheese -with games and a carousel. The kids all took a van there and it was in a local mall. I think Little S was too young to go, but we spent a lot of time with Big S - waving to him as he rode the rode the carousel, clapping when he won tickets at the skee ball. He is a ball of happy energy. We loved watching him have a blast. When the afternoon was over, the kids all got in a van and sang We Wish You a Merry Christmas and Row, Row Row your boat. Big S gave us extra kisses and hugs and we blew him kisses as the van drove away.

And Ryan's update is:

Little S is such a sweety. She was very attentive while the social
worker, Terhas, showed her your letter and explained the pictures to
her. She really seemed to understand what it was all about, and wore
an ear to ear grin the whole time. She is excited to meet you all
and join the family.

Big S was in school, so we are still waiting for an update from Ryan on him. Karen's update was more than enough to sustain us! Again, Karen,,,,thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Updates are really what keep you going in the post-referral stage. Life seems somewhat suspended...you know the clock is moving, but oh it feels like you can feel every second tick by. We've started a few new family traditions. Tuesday night is movie night. At least until daylight savings time and we can be outside more! Thursday night is now game night -- last Thursday we played my all-time favorite game....the game of LIFE!!!!

We still don't have a court date...but should hear something in the next few weeks. This is definitely a longer process than when we got Pickle's referral 18 months ago.

Still No Court Date - CAUTION: A Very Honest & Raw Post

2009-01-08T16:30:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow will mark a month from when we received the referral for our Little S and Big S. Honestly, I'm going out of my mind waiting for a court date. I've been irritable, anxious, did I mention short-tempered? and definitely short on patience all week. I keep hoping for some type of update on my children, but still nothing. Knowing internet access is spotting in Africa right now really isn't providing me much comfort.

One would think that because this is our 2nd adoption, it would be easier. Honestly, up until this point it was pretty much a piece of cake. It's that "been there, done that" mentality. You know the drill, you know what to expect and you just ride the waves of ups and downs that come with international adoption. And I was pretty good up until this week. Maybe it's the post holiday blues, I don't know. All I know is that I want a court date and I want it now (shameful, isn't it?). I sound exactly like my 22 month old daughter but I have no excuse.

So we continue with our "nesting:" cleaning out the garage, the den making room for more toys, organzing the attics, the kids rooms, etc, etc. to help pass the time. I think I need something to keep me distracted....any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

God's So Good!

2009-01-03T11:06:00.005-05:00

Every Christmas Day at noon, Squeeker goes to spend a week with his father, my ex-husband. It's usually a very long and difficult week for me. This year was different. Little Miss Drama Girl kept me very busy and on my toes. But not a day went by when she didn't ask "Where's Squeeker?" OK, she doesn't really call him Squeeker, but since I don't want to post my childrens' names on the blog, it'll have to do for now. It was the sweetest of moments when she would repeatedly ask "Where's Squeeker?" Finally, at noon on New Year's Day, we made the trip to Charlotte to pick him up. What an wonderful reunion -- they sat in back seat of the car, holding hands. My eyes welled up with tears. And later that day, all was quiet in the house and I honestly got a little nervous. I slowly walked into the den to find this amazing picture of my two beautiful children snuggling together. It was a priceless moment...one I'll remember always.

As we were embarking on our first adoption journey, I was filled with anxiety about all the unknowns with adoption. The fears were almost paralyzing. We were bombarded with "what are you crazy? Do you know how old you are?" and the list goes on and on. Maybe we are crazy from a secular standpoint,,,,,but it is moments like New Year's Day that brings me back to that moment when David and I chose to be obedient to God, not knowing what the future held for us, not knowing how Squeeker, practically an only child, would react to being an older brother. What we realized through this journey is this: when God is in control of your life, all things fall into place. This is not to say that all moments are as "nice" as this moment was, or that mothering is easy, because there are days when I wish Calgon could take me away. But the joy, and the peace we've experienced this past year has been abundant.

I can't talk about abundance without sharing our latest dilemna. David is a planner, especially financially. We had the money put away for our second adoption, but honestly, we were not counting on getting a referral for two children. So when that moment came on December 9th, and I started hyperventilating, and finally, weeks later when the reality of going from 2 children at home to 4 hit me, it was like, oh no, what are we going to do? How can we all travel to pick them up. We went through all the scenarios.......and the one that stuck for awhile was just David travelling. But God, always in control, intervened through another adoptive family. And another miracle occurred -- my neck was starting to heal at a more rapid rate and my mobility was increasing every day. I also got the go ahead from my chiropractor to travel!!! Whoeeee......a brief moment of joy. I would be there to pick up my children - to see the looks on their faces when they saw their new family for the first time. But what about Pickles and Squeeker -- we couldn't afford for Squeeker to go now that we had 4 plane tickets to buy. And who would watch them? We had no family living close. What to do...what to do.... ran through our minds. "Be still and know that I am God"....one of my favorite bible verses, kept running through my head. Be patient.......let God work. Whew...that is so hard for me. So I got on my knees and started praying....God find a way for us to travel with Squeeker and someone to watch Pickles for us while we are gone. And God did....to our surprise. Yet we doubt and hold onto world views and forget sometimes how big our God is. When it is God's will...He will find a way.

Yesterday, we went to a very upscale Charlotte jewelry store that buys gold and diamonds. I had a jewelry box full of gold that I hadn't worn in years. David and I weeded through what I wanted to keep......and what I couldn't bear getting rid of, like my mom's wedding rings. A million thoughts ran through my head .....could I sell it? would it bring enough for Squeeker's airfare? Yes.......exactly $11 more than what we needed for his airfare! Is God not awesome?????

Christmas Pictures

2008-12-29T07:43:00.010-05:00

Momma J and Pickles....gotta love this enormous stuffed puppy (probably the only dog we'll ever have....................)

Don't ya just love those matching PJs...Squeeker said: "Mom...this is embarrassing....."

Drama Girl having a "moment." Seriously, she was in sensory overload and right after this picture was taken, picked up her little pocketbook from Auntie Ann and walked out of the living room......

Our tree.

Big Brother Shawn reading to Drama Girl.

Drama Girl in her most favorite position....feet on the table!

Seriously...we had a wonderful Christmas! Although there were two missing, we hope they know by now that they have a new family that is anxiously waiting to bring them home!

Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas

2008-12-23T15:59:00.003-05:00

Merry Christmas........a few days early....I'm preparing for our annual "Misfit" Christmas Eve dinner and took a break to wish all my family and friends a very Merry Christmas! Last evening, David and I took some pictures of our current family, and some of the pics of our newest, and posted them in a picture frame called "Our Family." Ironically, I've had this frame FOREVER and never felt the nudge to put it all together. I'd love to share some of my favorite photos with you now, but I promise I'll post it after our court date (still waiting,,,by the way......).

We've been working out the travel details for our next trip to Ethiopia. I originally was going to stay home and just David was going to go. But after much prayer, and patience on my part (and a thumbs up from my chiropractor on the 17 hour flight!) it looks like I'll be definitely going with David and possibly Squeeker, if we swing the airfare for him!

Saturday was my 40something birthday! It was a great day! We bought a new car..well not a new car, a year old used car to haul 4 children and two adults!!! It's a big BOAT!!!! It's taking some practice parking the "boat" as I affectionately call it! But I like it.....it's definitely growing on me. We also had lunch with my brother-in-law and his wife, and my sister-in-law and her family! It was sooooo great to spend time with them again! Sometimes the death of a loved one causes separation in families....but in this case,,,it brought them together...and it's soooooooooooo good to see them together. I'm sure Rosie was smiling down from heaven at us!

The holidays are always a little bittersweet........it's really hard getting my arms around the fact that I am now the matriarch of my family. Geez...I'm way too young for that. It's been a hard transition putting on that hat, and after a few years now of my mom being gone.....the hat is getting a little more comfortable.

Below are two pictures...one of Pickles that I absolutely love. The other is a sunrise taken from our back deck this morning......No snow here in beautiful North Carolina.......but the sunrises are spectacular coming up over the trees!

Have a merry everyone!

Week One -- Post Referral

2008-12-16T21:06:00.002-05:00

Wow....our feet are just starting to land on the ground. The reality of going from two children in the home, to four is starting to sink in. We have to buy a bigger car; so we've been researching that this week and finally made a decision on a Ford Expedition with the extra 15" of cargo space in the rear. Now that's going to be an adjustment for me to get used to! It'll be like driving a tank!

And tonight, I am pleased to say that we completed the last of our required training!!! Whoeee......what a relief that is!

Also, I had minor procedure done on my eyelid --No...not plastic surgery, but something I needed to get done before the end of the insurance year!

So, Post Referral - Week One has flown by.....Next week is Christmas,,,which seems unbelievable. I'd love to have a court date by then, but it's probably very unrealistic!

I know tomorrow is a big day for 12 Gladney families who have their court dates. Please know that I've been praying fervently for all of you. I'd love to see all twelve of them pass through! Now wouldn't that be something to celebrate!

REFERRAL...WE GOT OUR REFERRAL TODAY! UPDATED

2008-12-09T16:03:00.004-05:00

Part II

I was lying in bed, trying to get my feet back on the ground, tossing and turning, to no avail. I knew I had to capture the raw emotions of today before it became just a memory.

Today was like any other day -- running late for school and didn't have time to go to the gym before my eye doctor appointment. So, I came back home, took a shower, loaded PIckles in the car and we went back to town for my appt. Pretty normal for one of my day's...pretty routine.

Anyway, then I went to the shop (we own our own company and usually have Tuesday and Thursday's day off, but I had some bookkeeping stuff I just had to get done) with Pickles and the day was pretty uneventful. I left a little late to pick up Squeeker from school, went home with the kids to work on homework instead of going back to the shop. UPS had left a Christmas package on my front porch, so I was in living room when I heard my cell phone ring from the kitchen.

I do need to back up a bit -- over the weekend I was reviewing a lot of blogs, stalking the FBI list with exact referral timelines and decided I needed to review some of our critical adoption paperwork, specifically the I171H. I pulled out the lockbox and discovered that our fingerprints expires in June 09. I started counting from September 16th -- our wait list date and figured we were not going to make it and made a mental note to call Mary at Gladney and get her input on when I needed to resubmit the request for new fingerprints.

Well, I never, ever get to everything on my to-do list, so when the phone rang with an 817 area code instead of the famous "unknown caller," I didn't think anything of it. I went on to tell Mary that I was doing OK, but I was tired from having my eyes dialated at the eye dr this morning. Then it hit me that she wasn't returning my phone call...because I never called her. I never did get around to calling her and leaving her a message about our fingerprints expiring. I started hyperventilating.......and told her I needed to go the shop where David was so that we could call her back together. So, I loaded up the kids in the car, and less than 10 minutes later we were at the shop calling Mary. But...before I hung up, Mary did tell me that our referral was for two children.......I swear my heart stopped right in my chest.......I had to remember to breathe.....the moment is so surreal. You wait and wait for this moment, then rationalize that you've got another 3 months of waiting, and you put it in the back of your mind and get on with life. That's EXACTLY when you get the phone call --- now that we've received two of these phone calls,,,I can tell those of you that are still waiting that it NEVER comes when you are thinking about it, or expect it!

So, you all probably want the details. Our referral was for a sibling group -- one girl age 2.75, and one boy, age 5. They are beautiful......and have captured my heart in just a few moments. Their eyes sparkle.......the love and bond they share is so evident in their pictures. I can't wait to bring them home!

For those of you that are still waiting...I am so sorry........but I truly believe that God's timing is perfect. I never dreamed that the road we've been on this year would end this way.....God is so good......all the time! Today, I am so grateful and believe with all my heart that God's plan is perfect,,,for each and every one of us!

Much love,
Robin

Part I

Oh my gosh......I'm still somewhere out in space. Today marks exactly 12 weeks we've been on the wait list for siblings or a single girl. We got a referral today for siblings.......a boy and a girl.

I'll write more when I come down to earth!

Coming Out of the Closet

2008-12-06T21:33:00.004-05:00

Ok...the title of this post might throw you off a bit...but it's not what it seems. We've been keeping a little secret under our hat for awhile now. Some of you know, some of you don't. But most of you know of the rollercoaster year we've had. During all of the commotion, we started the adoption process back in January. Through the bumps of 2008, we ended up putting our 2nd adoption on hold twice; one after David's mom passed away and second, later in the summer as we struggled (really struggled) with grief issues. With an incredible feeling of peace this time around, we are excited to announcde that we are adopting again. We changed our child preference somewhere between the first and second "hold" to an older child. At first the thought of adopting an older child was more than I could deal with. We had a foster child a few years back, an adorable three year old boy that stole my heart. Unbeknownst to us, he unofficially had RAD - Reactive Attachment Disorder. I won't go into any details, except to say there were months of very trying circumstances where we realized we were not cut out for a child with such great emotional need. It was devastating, yet humbling, but did not leave us without scars. It took me a long time before I was comfortable even talking about bringing another child into our home.

So, it's offical now. We've been on the wait list since September 16th -- almost 3 months. It's hard to fathom that our first referral came in a mere 5 weeks. This time around, with the increasing popularity of Ethiopian adoptions, the wait time is between 4-6 months -- the trend leaning towards the 6 month or more mark. We are not expecting a referral until sometime in March.

My dear mother-in-law passed away May 3rd of this year.....the night before she died, my husband asked her what we should name this next child we were waiting for. Without hesitation, she said "Faith." Pickles middle name is Grace, so "Faith" will be our newest little girl's middle name. We are on the wait list for either a girl between the ages of 3-4, OR a sibling group between the ages of 36-72 months. Whew.....if this referral is for two, I'm not sure what we'll do for names -- I'll guess we'll just cross that bridge when we come to it!

Putting Up The Christmas Tree

2008-12-01T18:29:00.014-05:00

If you look real close, you can see Squeeker under the tree against the wall. Pickles definitely wanted in on the fun!

Squeeker hanging an ornament -- notice most of the ornaments are all in the same place!!!!

I just love the inspi(RED) ornaments -- we have two of these! They look so pretty when the light reflects off of them.

The next bunch of pictures were take for our Christmas cards. I usually take the kids to Sears, pay a fortune..blah, blah, blah. This year, thanks to a blog friend, saved me time, money, but more importantly, sanity in getting to stay away from the mall with the kids! Whew...I'm thankful I escaped that!

The instrument Pickles is holding is a traditional Ethiopian string instrument, called a Kerar. We bought two or three of them when we were in Ethiopia last year.

Whew....we did it. The tree was up and decorated before December 1st. I think this was an all time record in our house. I'm not a fan of putting up the tree on Thanksgiving weekend, but...... past Christmas' seasons passed through my head over the weekend and I soon realized that if we procrastinated as we usually do, I get really stressed about the tree not being up. So,,,,,we took the plunge, pulled out enough of the Christmas stuff to get the tree up and decorated -- it took about 2 hours total. I'm so grateful for lighted trees. Although a fan of real trees, last year we succumbed to the pressure and bought a pre-lit tree. With kids, it's just easier, not to mention that we supplement our heat with wood and a real tree dries out too quickly!

There were a few pictures of me that David took -- but honestly, I was in my jammies, and didn't feel they were decent enough to post!

I'm starting to get excited about Christmas this year.....the holidays have been tough since my mom passed 3 1/2 years ago.....This year, I just might be able to get out her box of ornaments and put them on the tree.........I hope she's looking down at me from heaven and smiling...........

I've Been Tagged.......

2008-11-29T10:57:00.004-05:00

I've been tagged by Ema. I guess that's what happens when you start posting more on your blog! LOL....

Ok.....I need to share 7 random or weird thoughts about myself.

1. I'm fiercely protective of my family -- so much that I'll withdraw from others in order to protect them. Kind of like a momma bear! I have this invisible shield around me -- I let most people only get so close. There are only a handful of people that really know me, and most of them I've known for years. One is my girlfriend in Connecticut that I've known since 2nd grade! Trust and honesty is very important to me, especially in friendships.

2. My faith is my stronghold....I've always believed in God. I was raised Catholic in New England, but saw so many disconnects from the teachings of the bible. I've always struggled with finding my way. Finally, after moving South, I've discovered who I am and finally, really like who I am. I am now a self-confessed Jesus Freak...I have become what I once hated. Isn't God funny? I just love it how he uses us and how he changed my once hardened and bitter heart .

3. I gave up coffee 8 weeks ago --- UGH....It's been hard, but necessary in my healing (according to my love/hate relationship with my chiropractor!). In an effort to promote healing, I'm drinking carrot juice 2x a day and eating more raw veggies. Not nearly as bad as I thought it'd be! Weird, yep, but I'm kinda unconventional.

4. I graduated from college at 40! It took me eight years going at night, working full-time in "corporate America" and having a baby during the half-way point. When I graduated, it was the first time I can remember a family member telling me they are proud of me! I believe education is the key to end poverty. Both of my children love to read! And I am so proud of that! Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be a counselor. Probably because I want to be able to give back and help others through difficult situations. Maybe one day, I'll go back and get my Masters in Social Work or Counseling.

5. I love the outdoors (except when its 100 and humid - August in the South). I love to garden, to hike and be in the mountains. And I can't forget the ocean. My grandmother lived on a island off the coast of Rhode Island. I spend many summer days travelling the ferry back and forth to the island. That island grounds me...it's like coming home. The salt air, the smell, it's like time stopped. Oh....I love it there. It's been 6+ years since i've been there and am aching to go back for a visit (when it's warmer, of course!) .

6. I currently cloth diaper my daugher and also used them on my son. I LOVE THEM! I know that's weird, but they really are addicting. I buy all my products from GMD. I wish I could get some sort of referral discount for how much I promote her stuff -- all cotton and wool -- no bad stuff for the baby! I guess you can say I'm a naturalist at heart -- don't like all the chemicals in disposables and believe fiercely in nursing an infant. Pssst..don't tell my husband how much I spend on cloth diapers -- it dispels the $$ savings argument!

7. I crochet -- kinda goofy, I know. But my grandmother taught me when I was a little girl. Then, in the early 90s, I dated this guy for 4 1/2 years. His mom crocheted and I wanted her to make me an afghan that was absolutely beautiful. She told me she'd make me one if I married her son...I said, maybe you need to teach me how to crochet. I loved his mom - - she was the best.....so ----- she taught me how to read a crochet pattern, and the rest, they say, is history.
P.S. I never did finish that afghan -- all I have to do is stitch it together. Here is what I just finished for Pickles.

8. I was going to post something, but changed my mind.

9. Today -- when I'm actually posting this post, is November 29th and it is Squeeker's 9th birthday!!! Wow..how did that go by so fast!

10. I'm a grandmom.......Gavin is going to be 6 in Feburary, and Baby G is 4 weeks old!

11. Finally, the last one. Hmmm......I love music. I used to just listen to good old rock and roll. In the mid-80s-early 90s, I used to work for FEDEX as a driver for 8+ years and they called me "Rockin' Robin" because I had it blaring out the windows! Today, I've expanded my horizons and listen to all types of music and can't say I really have a favorite anymore. Just depends on what type of mood I'm in.

I'm tagging April, Tonia, The Robert's Family, Renee , The Albertson's, The Earley's , Eileen Mestas.

Heavy Burden

2008-11-25T10:43:00.003-05:00

With Thanksgiving upon us, I've been reflecting back on this most difficult year and trying very hard to focus on what I'm thankful for. With the economy in a tailspin, layoffs everywhere, I can only be on my knees praying, and looking up for an answer. I know that sounds dreary, and depressing, but when you are married to the one who has to make the hard decisions about laying someone off, especially someone you are friends with, it puts a whole new spin on it.

My heart is breaking for those that have lost their jobs, especially those that are close to us. I'm sure we haven't seen or heard the last of the layoffs in the economic state we are currently in, it is just so unfortunate that it has to come during the holiday season.

For us, the holiday season is our slowest.....where cash flow is tighter than normal....and making payroll every week is a struggle. And sometimes, sometimes, you have to choose between making a hard choice, or closing your company completely. I'm not cut out to be a small business owner's wife...I've said it more and more and more these last few weeks as I've watched the stock market tumble, jobless numbers increase, and an economy that is incredibly unstable. Yesterday, an older man came into our office wanting to apply for a job -- I had to tell him we had a lay off last Friday. The look on his face and his body language was heart breaking......it was like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.

I almost feel guilty for being thankful, but I am truly thankful for many things:

My incredible husband, David, who came through for me in a big way this year! I love you more than life itself sweetie!
For my two incredible children, Squeeker and Pickles. This year has been a year of challenges and adjustments, and to see the bond between them makes my heart jump a beat.
For my friends......those current and those from the past -- all who have shaped me to be the woman I am today.
Of course, for my faith, and my Heavenly Father -- who loves me unconditionally and continues to sustain us, against all odds!
My home that I love to return to at the end of each day. I've never had a house that felt like a home to me....and this one truly is my home......my sanctuary.......where I can rejuvenate and feel peace rain over me.
My husband's company, although I have a love/hate relationship with owning a business, which continues to sustain us, even in the hard times. (but not without it's own struggles)
Freedom....and for what our country stands for......let's pray that our freedom is never taken away from us.

I wish all my friends and family a wonderful and joyous Thanksgiving!

Blogging....The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

2008-11-15T05:04:00.011-05:00

I awoke this morning at 4:00am unable to go back to sleep for many reasons. My husband has been away all week on a business trip in Mexico. He was detained an extra day for reasons I won't go into and won't return until sometime late Saturday afternoon. It has been a long week in many ways. Most of you don't know I fell off the swing playing outside with the kids 6 weeks ago and tore 6 ligaments in my neck and upper back and blew at least one disk in the same area. As my mom used to say, "you did a good job, Robin." I never do anything half-way. Gosh, I miss my mom so much. In my husband's absence, I've had to ask for help in caring for my kids around dinner and bedtime. Asking people for help has been incredibly humbling, but seeing the joy it brought others to help me is something I will never forget. True joy comes from helping those in need --and I've experienced that first hand this week as I talked and watched people go out of their way to help me and my kids this week.

This week has been challenging in many ways.....I was raised to be independent -- not to rely on anyone, especially a man. My mom had a tough marriage to my father -- very controlling and oppressive -- he raised my sister and brother the same way. I'm not one to go into all the details, let's just say that years of counseling, great friends that believed in me and my heavenly Father above are the only reasons I am who I am today.

So, with that short bio above, I must say I've been convicted the last few days of transparency, courage, and few other things. During this week, I've had some time to catch up on some blogs that I've been neglecting for various reason.

Our year this year was difficult -- we've had four deaths in our family, and one more in the terminal cancer stage. All of this death has brought up a lot of emotions about losing my own Mom 3 1/2 years ago. Its funny how you think you are "ok," but then another death of a loved one triggers an emotion you really didn't expect. One of the deaths was my dear mother-in-law, Rosemary. Although her health wasn't the greatest, I guess I can say we really didn't see it coming. Her passing was an amazing testament of a Christian woman going home to be with the Lord. I continue to be amazed at the love of our heavenly Father, and saw Faith come alive before my eyes as we watched her take her last breath. Although honored to share this experience with my husband, my sister-in-law, brother-in-law and their spouses, it has sparked feelings in me regarding my own mother's death. My husband and I were on our way back from another family member's death, and I missed my mom by about an hour. Her last words to me the Sunday before was "go, I'll see you on Friday." Well, I saw her on Friday, but she was already gone. So, to experience my MIL pass from this earth to Heaven really evoked a lot of emotion in me. I sit here crying...thinking I had finished the tears for my mother. I guess we really never are done with the grieving process in some way.

So, you are probably saying, what's up with all this "transparency." Last year, soon after we came home from Ethiopia with Pickles, I made an unfortunate post that was taken out of context. I'm not going to repeat the ugly details of the comments I received, but I will say it has hindered me from being tranparent on my blog for fear of the same. In the past week, while catching up with the adoption blogs, I ran across a blog, The Albertson's, that really got my attention. While I'm not sure exactly where I stand on the issue that was raised from the comments, I sat back and digested her posts and comments with great interest.

Blogging has been a great source of comfort for me in our adoption journey. We share feelings that only adoptive parents can understand -- the waiting, the agony, the uncertainy, and a myriad of other emotions I can't put my finger on at the moment from lack of sleep. The support from this community is overwhelming -- most of us can say it has made the bumps (and I use this term lightly -- Intl Adoption has peaks and valleys; it is not for the weak hearted!) - associated with the inherent risks of International Adoption bearable. The joy you receive when you finally hold your child in your arms erases all you went through to get to that point.

With the blessings that come from blogging, unfortunately, comments and emotions elicit emotions in others that sometimes are unkind. First I'd like to say that this is my blog, my feelings -- they are not meant to offend or hurt anyone. I am a kind and compassionate person with a very warped sense of humor -- gosh, I never would have married my husband if I didn't have a warped sense of humor! His sense of humor is worse than mine! Sometimes, our emotions get the best of us, we are passionate about what we think and believe and fight fiercely to protect and defend our stance on certain issues. And sometimes, our words offend and hurt others that don't believe what we do.

With all of this said, I'd like to nominate Becca, for the Courage of Blogging Award. Her willingness to stand up for her opinion regarding caring for the orphan has been a testament of her faith and her experience as a Social Worker in the adoption field. I don't know her personally, only through the blogs, but I would really like to get to know her better since we both share that passion for what we believe in. Like Becca, my husband has also spend time living in Romania for months at a time working with and for the benefits of orphans. He's seen first hand the dires of their circumstances - held children in his arms as they took their last breath from the terrible disease called AIDS, and repeatedly getting news of those he knew that God has taken home from AIDS. I have not had those experiences, but can attest through knowing and loving my husband, how those experiences have shaped him. Our trip to Ethiopia has only given me a brief glimpse of extreme poverty. David lived it....Becca lived it. And of course, these experiences shape who they are and what they believe.

For those of you that have judged Becca, walk a mile in her shoes before you condemn her for her beliefs. I'm not saying I agree or disagree with her thoughts, but I respect them and her courage to take a stand for the orphan - - something ALL Christians are called to do.

So, blogging world, I'm back. If Becca can take a stand, and weather the brutal bashing she's taken -- so can I! My opinions are just that -- my opinions. We all have our own history that has molded and shaped us -- let's try and respect each other's opinions in a way that honors Christ.

Test Post

2008-11-14T15:25:00.002-05:00

I'm trying to figure out how to add a hyperlink to a blog using just their name, not the url address...so here goes.

Thank you April.

Let's see if it works!!!

I Just Love My Kids....

2008-11-12T08:52:00.008-05:00

"Forever" Day, + 4 days

2008-11-06T22:24:00.004-05:00

Well, I did it again. I forgot an important date in our family. On November 2, 2007, Pickles joined our family forever. I really don't like the term "gotcha," the common term used in adoption when you finally have your child in your arms. I kind of like the term "forever" better -- because from that day forward, no matter what, we are family.

Family....wow...I used to have such bad connotations with that term. But lately, I've really seen and experienced the true meaning of family. I'm thankful every day for my husband, my beautiful children, my church family, and our dear friends. I've been amazed lately to see them all rally around when you need them the most.

So, to all of you (you know who you are.....), from the bottom of my heart,,,,,,thank you for being there for me, for showing up and helping at a moment's notice. I've been humbled at how many people really care....and how unselfishly they've responded to our time of need.

Happy Halloween

2008-11-01T07:56:00.009-04:00

Last night was our first official Halloween with Pickles......A year ago yesterday we were on our way to Addis to pick her up. It seems amazing how much she's grown, and how much we've been blessed to have her part of our family.

Her costume was suppose to be a size 2T -- which should have fit her. She was the last one to get dressed and we struggled and struggled to get her costume on. Finally, we had to cut the feet out of it....I laughed so hard it hurt!

By the way....the guy in the clown costume, is my crazy husband!