A Few Moments.....

I'm breathing....really breathing...and all on my own.....

I know it's been awhile since I've posted. I've been overwhelmed, depressed and still fighting to breathe as we adjust to our new life with four children. The days are getting easier, the tantrums are less often. And finally, praise God for this, we are starting to see the bonding take place. The boys are both still struggling....they both are very needy, and unfortunately, the girls are getting more of the attention just because their ages dictate it.

So.....what am I doing?????? Right this very minute, I am dressed (ha...you know what I mean...I actually have on a cute pair of sandals.....) and have make-up on. Wow??? Make-up???? What's up with that????

Well.......

I'm sitting in the lobby of the Embassy Suites in Concord, NC for the annual She Speaks Conference because there was a mix-up in my schedule and I found out I had a few hours of time to myself. I registered for this conference way back in the late winter, thinking the timing on our 2nd adoption would have been different. Home a month, well, 33 days to be exact, but who's counting, and I'm away from home for two days (notice I didn't say nights???? I'll be driving home late both nights so that I can be with the kids, if even for a few minutes in the morning).

And how do I feel about that? You know it would be unlike me to tell a lie.......

As always, I'm going to lay it on the line and put my soul out there....

I really didn't want to go to the She Speaks Conference; for many reasons more than I want to go into right now. Then, the last few days, I wanted to go because I just wanted to get out of the house, away from the kids, so I could breathe, and hopefully, in this time away from the kids, find myself again. Who I am??? Who was I??? Who/what am I suppose to be????

And then something funny happened..and please don't tell my husband this, because I'll NEVER hear the end of it. I sat in the driveway this morning programming my GPS (the very best invention in the world!!!). And........part of me didn't want to leave! WHAT??????? I was dumfounded with that emotion....WHERE did THAT come from???? I've been dying to get away from the kids, from work, from the house, from everything......I was drowning in a myriad of emotions.........I was overwhelmed...discouraged...and depressed with all the responsibilities I now carried on my shoulders as a mother to FOUR children. I wanted to breathe......I needed to breath..........just breathe...............

without interruption,

without someone tugging at my leg, calling "Mommy........Mommy......"

without having to take a preschooler ....or two......to the "potty."

As I sat in the car getting ready to put the car in "reverse," I watched each of my children walk outside to help Daddy with the firewood. I was finally able to see each one of them in a different light.......

The light God intented for me to see them in....the light in which GOD saw them............

And my heart swelled with love for each one of them. They are all so different in so many different ways, and yet I noticed something new on each one of their little faces.....(ok..let's face it .... none of my children have "little" personalities..they all have larger - than - life personalities).

I saw Love....

I saw Trust....

I saw "I feel safe here......"

I saw a Family.......

I saw God............and the incredible tapestry in which he weaved my incredible unique and diverse family together....

I can't wait to get home...to hug each and everyone of them and tell them...and show them....how much Mommy loves them.

This time in my life is a season.......and one day, many years from now...I'll look back and remember this morning as a Spiritual Marker....the day I saw God in each one of my beautiful children..............