God Speaks.....

I've thought about how to write this post a lot over the past 36-48 hours, and as usual, I am prompted to be brutally honest, without sugar-coating or glossing over the hard stuff. I think I owe that to all adoptive families out there........the ones that have adopted older children, and the ones that are contemplating it. Some may be offended by my honesty, and I hope the majority of you will respect me for the raw emotions about I'm about to disclose. So, here goes....

I haven't had much time lately to read my daily devotions. Honestly, I haven't had much time to breathe and am thankful that breathing is an automatic bodily function that does not require thought because if it did, I think I would forget to breathe. Last night, I had a brief moment to catch up on my daily devotions. I guess they aren't daily when you do a week at a time....I hope God understands that my heart is in the right place as we try to sort out our new life of temporary chaos. I've had no less than 9 interruptions as I've tried to type this post. God...please give me the strength to get through each moment.......

One of the devotions was titled "Active Listening...." Ha...I had to laugh. Seriously, God.....active listening requires time, and time is the one thing that is seriously lacking in my life at the moment. I found myself getting angry and bitter....How did that happen so quickly??? I do not have one brief moment to collect myself. Selfishly, I need those brief moments to compose myself.......bring it all together so that I can be a better mom; one with compassion and patience. I thought I was prepared for this....I did all the training, read blogs of families that had adopted older children. I had done my homework, or so I thought. Yet nothing, and I mean nothing prepares you for the all - consuming needs of these absolutely beautiful, precious, yet broken children. Although they each have biological ages, emotionally their needs are of much younger children.

This morning, I was at my wit's end. I had thoughts of "what on earth were we thinking???" Those thoughts ran through my mind repeatedly, like a reeled tape, over and over and over again. I was angry, frustrated, upset, overwhelmed, short-tempered, and frazzled. If only, I thought, could get them down for a nap at the same time and have a few moments to compose myself. I sought help through a local ET adoptive board; two women who have adopted older children, came to my rescue with advise, suggestions, but mostly a big dose of compassion when I needed it the most. "This phase will end," they both said, and I'd look back in a few months with distant memories. Just like childbirth, I thought. I'd forget just how hard this is and be able to breathe again...to smile......and to love the way I know God created me to.

And again, God spoke to me. Louder this time, but again through another Godly woman who I deeply respect and admire. She left me a post on Facebook and asked me to read her blog. I, apparently, had inspired her. I almost choked with laughter...that was the funniest thing I had heard in weeks!

And then I cried.....not just streaming tears, but the gut-wrenching tears that take your breathe away. I sobbed for what I'd lost.....a bit of peace and tranquility......I sobbed for Pickles and Squeeker and the changes this meant for them....I sobbed for the changed in my marriage I was prepared for.... I sobbed for the loss the Big & Little S are experiencing as they've been yanked away from all that is familar to them.....and I sobbed for God's amazing grace demonstrated through the kind words and acts of others. God has been pouring his amazing grace upon me....almost like a permanent, but cheerful rain cloud, since we left for Ethiopia.

Today, we turned a corner. I'm looking up and not inward. God chose us for this amazing journey, and He will give me all I need, each and every moment.....

Come....share this journey with us......