Friday, September 14, 2007

Latest Update on Travel and Other Things

I spoke to Mary T. at Gladney the other day. The courts are scheduled to open on September 25th, but we don't expect to hear back from them until the first week of October. All of the agencies will be bombarding the courts with cases to be heard and it will take them awhile to work through it all and schedule court dates. Typically, it takes approximately 3 weeks to receive a court date. Mary T. told me that we were a priority for Gladney and they are going to do everything they can to get our case through courts since we were already approved to adopt Pickles in August, but the name on our paperwork was just wrong. Gladney still feels we will be travelling in October to bring Pickles home.

During this time of waiting, which we all know I'm not very good at, a lot has happened to solidify to me that God is truly sovereign. I think in my heart I was ready to travel in August, but in my mind I wasn't. Ok, what exactly does that mean? Well, I've been reflecting about what it was like when Squeeker was an infant. The only word that kept coming back to me was: STRESSFUL! My marriage to my ex-husband was falling apart, we were having financial problems that were overwhelming, and I had to go back to work 10 weeks after he was born. I still wanted to work because, honestly, I didn't know how to be a mom. Some of us dream our entire likes for the moment when we become a mom. I wasn't one of those girls. I used to say when God created me, he skipped over me when he was giving out the "biological clock." Until......I was almost 35 and then it went off like a time bomb.

Honestly, I didn't know what to do with a baby, I didn't know how to act, and how to fill up the days with baby stuff. The moment Squeeker was born, I fell instantly in love with him, but my comfort level did not increase overnight. It took time, and frankly, some tangible moments of success as a mom to justify that I was a good mom. Being a good mom to me was more important than anything else. I didn't want to repeat the pattern of how I grew up, and how my parents grew up.

I've always worked, since I was 12, starting with babysitting, and then my first full-time job the day after I graduated from high school. I didn't know how to "not work!" Gradually, over time of working part-time the past few years, and being a mom the rest of the time, I realized that I really liked being a mom. My goodness, this is what I am suppose to be. All those years of trying to figure out what I'm am suppose to do when I grew up and to finally realize that it is to be a mom. I almost said "just a mom," but I've stopped saying that because I've lived it now for almost 8 years and it is the hardest job in the world. The most rewarding, but also the hardest.

So, what happened to change my mind the past few weeks? I've walked around the house, past the portable crib in the dining room, knowing I had to get the baby's room ready (still not ready!), upset because she should have been home now. Gradually, God was changing me from the inside out. My heart was ready - I fell instantly in love with Pickles the minute I saw her picture. But my mind wasn't until I found myself trying to arrange my 2 - half day work days around another mom's work schedule so that we could have play dates. You know, the stuff ALL stay at home moms do, but I never did, until now. We are waiting (and waiting since 8:00am this morning) for Time Warner to install road runner so that I can work from home an hour or so a day so that I don't have to try and bring her to the office with me (what a nightmare that would be). As much as I love working at our company, I love being a mom more. And when I finally realized that I was ready for Pickles to come home, I could let go of the frustration and the impatience of why did the paperwork glitch happen.

I can't really explain it. I feel like I should have felt this way when Squeeker was born. But God knows I did the best I could with Squeeker when he was an infant and honestly, I wasn't ready then, as I am know, to be truly be a stay at home mom. The greatest joy I've had in this realization is that I do not have any guilt about the choices I had to make when Squeeker was little. As I become a better parent, we all benefit from it.

Almost forgot, I decided yesterday to "do cloth diapers" with Pickles too, just like I did with Squeeker! I didn't see them as a burden with Squeekr, I see it as a gift I can give my children. It's a gift of time, a gift of commitment, and that little extra time it takes to change a diaper is just a little more face to face to time to talk, play and giggle with our new little girl, who is truly a Gift from God.

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