I'll finally admit it...I am the Scrooge.....

I still have pumpkin on my front porch....

It's December 3rd and the thought of putting up the Christmas tree(s) is/are overwhelming......

I laughed until I cried last night at our annual Christmas Concert at our church; the boys choir, of which Squeeker is a member, were hysterical...off key, yawning and singing simultaneously....not to mention a serious lack of practice and focus ..... but all in all, God was glorified...not to mention a few good hearty laughs out of it. And yes,,,,my son was the one who sang and yawned at the same time....

I'm sitting on my back porch...thankful for WIFI, listening to a fabulous Christmas CD on my IPOD, trying with all my heart to get into the spirit......

I am one to be brutally honest, so here goes...I just can't do it...I'm overwhelmed and I just don't feel like it. I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I do. I'm sad, too. I really miss my Mom this time of year and everything just makes me cranky and irritable lately.......and I'm tired of the ungratefulness in my children.........

Is it wrong to want to pack up and go away for the whole month of December?????

Is it almost 9 years of working for FEDEX delivering packages in the midst of massive consumerism that still has me bitter about the Christmas season....Yet last night, I cried as we sang songs of praise to celebrate our Savior's birth....Moments....I have moments when I feel God jerk me back and say this is what it's all about. Yet, bad memories, sadness, losing my Mom are all magnified in December. Adding to the fact that I'll be a year older this month......Ugh...I just hate wrinkles...Ok, I said it out loud. I hate getting old.....really hate getting old. Love the wisdom, hate what gravity does to our bodies. If only I weren't so vain..................

My children are struggling with consumerism too. Big S thinks Santa brings all of Wal-Mart's toy ection to our house......how to defy that myth without grave disappointment?????

I know, I know, I'm really not a fun person to be around at the moment....

Take a moment today and pray for me......for wisdom on how to "do" this first Christmas as a family of 6, plus three grown step-children.

It's just all so complicated.........and I don't want life to be complicated anymore......

How do we move from messy to simple??????????????

Away in the Manger

No crib for a bed...

The little lord Jesus lay down his sweet head

The stars in the sky look down where he lay...

The little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay.....

That should be our focus......not all the other junk. My prayer this holiday season is that God reminds all in subtle ways why we celebrate Christmas...and it's not about the new IPOD, Wii, DSi, fancy vacation....blah...blah....blah.....

A child was born......God's one an only son......to save the world.......

Yet we teach our children about Santa....I want to tell my children Santa is make believe.......I hate the farce.....the secrets...the pretend........It's not about SANTA!!!!!


For God so loved the world that HE gave his one and only son,
that whomever shall believe in him, shall not perish,
but have everlasting life. John 3:16

Rejoice...Rejoice... Emmanuel.......

Shall come to thee, Oh Israel.....

Rejoice....Rejoice....Emmanuel

Shall come to thee, Oh Israel.....

Dethroning A Princess

We used to joke with our Gladney Social Worker Mary T. about "dethroning a princess" as we waited those long months to bring home Big and Little S. Little did we know that months later, we would be in the throws of just that. And to quote my sweet son: "let me tell you something"......... it isn't pretty.

See, we had a little princess floating and flitting around our house for approximately 19 months. And in Addis Ababa, the process of "making a princess" was taking place. We knew Miss Little S was quite the charmer: sweet, coy, an infectious laugh, and incredibly hugable. Sweet Pickles was just that....sweet....and good to the core. Ok,,,we had some terrible two moments, bu t basically she's been an easy child since we brought her home in November 2007. The girls hit it off immediately....almost like they were in the womb together. We marvelled at how seemless it seemed...like they had always been sisters. Oh, but wait......the honeymoon ended.

Fast forward a few months......time for the kids to start school; preschool for the little two "princesses" and AWANA on Sunday nights at church. Hence, the dethroning process began. Little Miss S began to realize that her ever so charming, sweet laugh and smile could melt the hearts of many again and she turned on the charm. And so it began.........

You can see the manipulation going on in her little head: hmmmmm.....Mommy isn't falling for my cute/pretty smile....she sees right through me. If she isn't going to give me what I want, I'm going to find someone who will. At a preschool field trip, she climbed into a complete stranger (man's) lap. She looked at me as if to say: "So...what are you going to do about that?"

It's a good think Mommy had some great training on adopting an older (than an infant) child because I saw right through the "charming" moments.

It began a few months ago when my dear friend, Ann, came to visit us from Connecticut. She manipulated my poor friend, completely clueless as to what was going on right under her nose. After a few of those moments, Ann caught on and quickly allied with me. Little Miss S was not a happy camper, you see, because IT WAS NOT WORKING like it was at preschool and Awana. I felt I constantly had to defend my position on what Little Miss S was allowed and not allowed to do. Mommy had become a Mommy with a lot of rules: no hugging anyone but Mommy, Daddy, Granny, Poppa, sister and brothers, among others. Little Miss S had to come to me or D
addy to get the attention she needed. And then the bad behavior started...and honestly, I can't and won't give affection to a child who is acting out in order to get it. We also put us in charge of when we are affectionate with her, not the other way around.

Little Miss S is not happy......

Her beautiful face has seen more frowns of late than those first few months.....

Little Miss S is trying everything she can to control the situation.....

emptying her bladder on purpose....

spitting at her brother....

kicking her brother.....all because she wanted me to tie her shoes, not him.

I could go on, but I know you can fill in the blanks.

I'm tired,,,,,,,

yet determined.....

I'm not happy of late,

but won't give up.

I want her to be pretty from the inside too, not just from the outside.

I want to see a good heart in her...

Dethroning a princess is hard work....

it goes against the norm...

it's uncomfortable....

it's constantly feeling like you have to defend yourself....

But love will prevail......into God's hands I have placed her....

The Great Physician will heal her heart.......her pain.....and her fears........

because forever I will be her Mommy.

Can We Adopt You???

This question was asked of me this week.

I had to smile, and maybe giggle a little. Helllllooooooooooooo, I'm going to be 4o-something next month.

The question came from a 60-something year old woman who has unofficially assumed the role of "mom" to me. She's had no biological children of her own, yet has take me under her wing, giving me wings to soar, courage to be strong, yet weak with her unconditional love and support. I love her more I could have dreamed possible.

Today is Momma J & Poppa Dave's 47th anniversary. Do you know, that although they did not birth me, I am their daughter in every way possible. Look at the numbers....I would have been born 13 months after they married....is that a coincidence, or another one of God's bigger plans that we can't get our arms around.

And, today, I called to say "hi" but forgot it was their anniversary (am I horrible or what???).

They want to adopt me.......Can you adopt a 40-something year old woman legally? No, probably not, but I wish they could. I've often wondered what my life would have been like to be born to different parents? Southern parents to boot. Would I be a different women? a different mom? I don't know, but know God has woven this incredible tapestry called my life and I'm amazed at how it all fits together......

Why, do you ask, does Momma J want to adopt me? Because I asked Poppa Dave to say the prayer over Big S when he gets baptized soon. The honor truly belongs to him: as a Poppa to me and a GrandPoppa to my children. I'll be sure and post pictures of this moment, which I'm sure will be memorable!

"Mommy, I Don't Want to be Brown"

"Mommy, I don't want to be brown."

"Mommy, what color ARE you? Orange?"

"No, Big S, Mommy's 'color' is actually called 'white.'"

"Mommy, I don't want to be brown."

"Mommy, I love you.....kissy....huggy....kissy....huggy......"

My, I wish I knew what to say, how to say explain it other than "God made us all different and I love you just the way God made you."

"But Mommy, Squeeker is white too."

My heart is breaking, I'm at a loss for words. One color is not better than another, God just made us different and I absolutely LOVE that three of my children are brown.

And yesterday, it was:

"Mommy, Squeeker and Della are lucky,,,,he's been with you forever." Yes, sweetie, they have been here longer, but God chose the perfect time for you and your sister to join our family. Remember the story of Squanto that we read the other night? How he was taken away to Spain and sold as a slave to monks --- and then went to England, and ten years later, God sent him back to his village in Massachusetts where the Pilgrims were. And through all the sadness, God turned it to good. God uses our sadness to help others. And the last page of the book, what do you remember Squanto doing Bis S? "Squanto was raising up his hands and praising God like you do Mommy,...,and I don't like it when you do that....it embarrasses me." Yes, Big S, Squanto was praising God because he too will bring joy you from your sadness.

Is it a coincidence that we just so happen to be reading Squanto, when it's about losing a family and finding a new one?

......No, I believe in God's divine power. I see it every day in the life of my children.

And then.......

"Mommy, Squeeker is your 'real' son." That one really threw me for a loop. I immediately put a a stop to that. Because I birthed one child and not the others does not make one "real" and the others not. It really hurt my heart about how society defines who is a "real" child.......they are all REAL, they are ALL my children. God designed our family in a very unique and special way -- every day I thank God for how he wove the tapestry of our family together.

If I had to be honest, I think I am harder on Squeeker because he is the oldest, he's been here longer, he knows what the expectations are, and he's is leading the other children by example.

One day at a time.......one hug at a time....one prayer at a time.....

Healing will come.......God is in control.

The Brokenness in Love -- What Noone is Willing to Talk About

Beware.......this post is going to be brutally honest about some of the challenges, hurts, and deep pain that comes with older children adoption.

The other day, Big S and I were talking about 'trust.' I'm realizing every day now that he's home with me during the day as we communicate in English better that there are a lot of nuances in our language that he just doesn't get. Stuff we take for granted because most of us have raised our children since infancy and they have learned common words, phrases and expressions through normal everyday observation. It's really hard trying to describe these things! The last few weeks he's learned more cultural nuances than actual schoolwork, but hey, he's learning and that's all that matters to me.


We've been working on argumentive behavior -- honestly, it just wears me out! From our numerous conversations I'm not sure he even knows he was arguing. Now, I look at him so I have his attention and tell him in a gentle voice, "you are arguing with me?" I usually have to tell him repeatedly (that's when I get really frustrated!). But, I think he's getting it and it's been alot calmer around the house.

He is enjoying the Mommy time when the girls' nap. We either go outside and play, or read on the bed/couch. Today, we read our poetry and Mother Goose Rhymes on the trampoline. All was going well, until he blurted out: "I want to go back to Ethiopia." Hmmm...guess he took me seriously on the "trust" thing. It felt like a punch to the heart, but I knew it wasn't personal and he was trying to express his pain, his brokenness of the loss he doesn't understand. The past few weeks have been filled with "Mommy doesn't like me," "Mommy doesn't love me," followed almost immediately with that sly little smile of his. I know he's testing me, I know he's scared that I too will "give him up." Thankfully, out Social Worker came for one of her regular visits last weekend and talked to us about some things we needed to be on the look-out for. Not sure if this is part of the grief process; I know deep down inside he's still very fearful. Fear can control his behavior but we've done a lot to help him with feeling safe and secure with us. But today, I had to tell him that he couldn't go back to Ethiopia right now, which of course, prompted the "I want to run away" comment. Very hard to step back, breathe, and not take it personal. I know that was a test!

Yet to see the pain, the hurt, and the feeling of loss was so deep on his face today, that it took all I could not to cry. For him, I had to be strong, to be his rock, his security, so he knows ALWAYS that I'm his Mommy, and Daddy is his Daddy and we are a family.

The hardest part is watching the brokenness as he talked about his Ethiopian family and wondering why he had to leave. What do you say? Are there any words that could even begin to comfort??? Although I was right there with him on the trampoline, his pain was something I couldn't take from him....I couldn't protect him, take the hurt away......fix the booboo. And that was hard. He wiggled, squirmed, rolled his way all over the trampoline as he talked, I listened, offered words of encourgement, reassurance of Mommy & Daddy's love is forever. But I knew he has to work through this grief in his own way in order to heal, in order to be whole again. I can only be a bystander. The hardest job as a mother is to see your child in pain knowing nothing you can do will make it better for them.

And then, like a lightbulb, his glum and somber mood changed to happy, playful and comedic. Just like that. He spent the rest of the day just being a boy, but Mommy was worn out by the emotions. Maybe I did take some of the weight off his shoulders, maybe that's why I'm so tired tonight. He's upstairs, fell asleep listening to Wee Sing Nursery Rhymes that he begged me to turn on. In some ways, he wants to "go back" emotionally to a time when he doesn't remember the hurt, the feelings of being abandoned. Maybe listening to Nursery Rhymes is just what he need......transported emotionally back to a time before the hurt that I'll never be able to comprehend.

We've Come a Long Way Baby.....

Wow....I can't believe we've been home almost 4 months now with Big and Little S. You can definitely say the "honeymoon" period is over, but thankfully, almost all of us have settled into a new "normal." A lot has transpired over the last month, so bear with me as I catch you up.

Last week, I pulled both of my children out of Public School. The decision to homeschool Big S did not come lightly. I felt compelled over the past few months to do a lot of research and I've been quite in posting because a lot of my time has been spent doing research and praying for wisdom and guidance from God. Never have I felt so unprepared for anything as I do homeschooling. Yet, I've found that God has been gently guiding me along the way, placing people in my path that have shared with me their homeschooling journeys, curriculums and philosopies. I learned, hello, what a concept, that homeschooling does not have to be rigid and formal. And during all that research, a particular philosophy clicked with me and I realized that "yes, I can do it!" I really believe finding the right homeschooling philosophy that you can embrace is the first key to success. Notice that this is from a HS novice!!!

As we are finishing up our first week of HSing Big S, I can honestly tell you that the first day was really rough. The first few hours I was ready to throw the towel in and enroll him back in school.....ANY SCHOOL. But I perservered and what do you know, a peace has come over me. We still struggle over "seat work" (took me until yesterday to figure out what that meant -- for those of you that don't know...it's the work they do sitting in a chair: Language Arts, Handwriting (not his favorite subject!), and copywork, usually a Bible verse, and finally, story writing. The fun stuff for him is Math, readalouds and Bible! And I can't forget, being outside. All of us LOVE being outside.

So, what's hard about homeschooling? Hmmm....well, all of it. For me, I think the hard part is juggling the two girls and the interruptions while Big S and I are trying to do out seatwork. I keep saying it'll get easier when both girls can go to the bathroom by themselves AND when Pickles is potty trained. Oh my, there will be a huge celebration when that happens. I am SO OVER potty training!

What's good about homeschooling: I think establishing and enforcing the new boundaries are hard, but what I've see so far is a little boy who feels more secure and loved, is happier (except when doing handwriting :-)!) and is less argumentative than before. He also seems more relaxed and happier (except when doing handwriting -- noticing a theme going on???). He and Squeeker are getting along so well, that all I can do is thank God for it. Squeeker wrote on the shower wall with his finger:

"Big S is a good friend and is so funny!"

Wow.......we've come a long way baby!

Squeeker has gone back to Christian school for the year. They offered us a too-good-to-be true deal on the tuition and I was like: "Done.....! Although we did talk it over and decided to support him if he decided he wanted to stay in PS. He didn't.......so we let him stay the remainder of the week and started him this week back at his old Christian school. We were never so happy to "go back" to something safe and familar!

The girls are doing OK. With the start of preschool and AWANA at church on Sunday nights, it's added a complexity to the family dynamics. Little S is struggling with indiscriminate affection and being "dethroned" as the princess. She loves her little tantrums, which worked so well in the Foster Care house in Ethiopia. We knew the dethroning was coming, it just took a bit longer than we expected! That's been a challenge, but we are tightening up the boundaries with her too for the time being.

And let us not forget that beautiful Fall is upon us....my absolute favorite time of the year! I love the warm days and crisp nights. I wish it could stay this way forever.....Here's a few snapshots of a day at our house. We are so fortunate to live around open farmland (and not have to pay the taxes on it!) owned by the family that we bought our house from. We have such great neighbors and wide open spaces...what a dream it is to raise our children here!

I started this post half a dozen times in the past week, but nothing felt right. Now, of course, I have so much to say and not sure where to start or how even to title it.

Let me start with this:

I've had both writer's block and an emotional block these last few weeks. Not sure what to feel, what to write, so I chose not to write anything. Our dear, dear friends who have been married for 25+ years are in crisis. He asked her for a divorce a few weeks ago and it has me feeling unsettled and scared. All marriages go through rough times, and the divorce rate in our country is so high, yet when it hits so close to home, it's unsettling.

There have been other developments going on at our house too. We've seemed to settle in to a rough around the edges "normal." The boys are doing better; the girls are doing great -- you would think they were in the womb together the way they interact with one another. Last week, we had to put them in separate rooms at night because one of them was doing the "instigating" but I couldn't figure out which one it was. Well, the other night, David put them to bed; I was at church and came home to find them in the bed, nose to nose talking up a storm. It was the sweetest thing I have ever seen. Somehow, they were meant to be sisters.

I, on the other hand, have been struggling with some stuff these last few months and finally can "see the light." I've been praying fervently that God will change my heart, give me peace, and joy and contentment in motherhood. Honestly, I'm a typical Type A personality that needs to see goals being accompished, items on my to-do list checked off. I need to see progress. And looking at a sink full of dirty dishes all day does nothing for my temperment.

But maybe I'm starting to realize that accomplishing nothing, or very little, is a good thing. Does it mean I'm more focused on nurturing my children, and just "being" instead of being driven to complete something worldly and tangible?

I've been doing a lot of researh on homeschooling lately and a dear friend directed me to this website as a resource she uses to homeschool her children. She's the "homeschooling" veteran, and honestly, I needed some advise from a veteran. I've been doing my research, knowing God has preparing me for this, yet still feeling incredibly fearful and unsettled. Yet, this website, http://www.jeanniefulbright.com/ stopped me dead in my tracks. It really captured exactly what I've been struggling with.

Today, at the gym, I had this realization: some women were born to be mothers, others grow into the role, sometimes kicking and screaming. I, I'm afraid to admit, fall into the latter category. I was born into a family of very selfish people; selfishness is something I never had to work hard it.....it just came naturally to me. And being a mother, well, we have to give it up and I've been struggling with holding on to just a little, itty-bitty piece of me. And then this encouraging page on Jeannie's website set me free. The irony, if there is any, is that I just read the Oswald Chambers devotion a week or so ago about this same subject: "Forgetting About Me." I just love how God reaffirms to me exactly what I need to hear, just in case I didn't get it the first time! I can be a little stubborn, you know!

Slowly, a peacefulness has started to creep over my ugliness. My patience is increasing....I'm laughing, I'm enjoying my children, and I'm working on being less "self-aware." This is a season, one I hope I can look back on as joyful, even through the struggles.

And through all of the chaos in this transition, I continue to see God and how awesome He is. Big S accepted Jesus as His Savoir this week and I was honored to be able to walk him through the Prayer of Salvation. What an incredible honor and a gift that God gave me in that moment.

So, what you ask, was it that "set me free?" This very simple sentence. I hope you too can be set free by it!

"If we forget about ourselves and look only to God, then we will truly be able to love others as He calls us to do." Jeannie Fulbright