"Mommy, I Don't Want to be Brown"

"Mommy, I don't want to be brown."

"Mommy, what color ARE you? Orange?"

"No, Big S, Mommy's 'color' is actually called 'white.'"

"Mommy, I don't want to be brown."

"Mommy, I love you.....kissy....huggy....kissy....huggy......"

My, I wish I knew what to say, how to say explain it other than "God made us all different and I love you just the way God made you."

"But Mommy, Squeeker is white too."

My heart is breaking, I'm at a loss for words. One color is not better than another, God just made us different and I absolutely LOVE that three of my children are brown.

And yesterday, it was:

"Mommy, Squeeker and Della are lucky,,,,he's been with you forever." Yes, sweetie, they have been here longer, but God chose the perfect time for you and your sister to join our family. Remember the story of Squanto that we read the other night? How he was taken away to Spain and sold as a slave to monks --- and then went to England, and ten years later, God sent him back to his village in Massachusetts where the Pilgrims were. And through all the sadness, God turned it to good. God uses our sadness to help others. And the last page of the book, what do you remember Squanto doing Bis S? "Squanto was raising up his hands and praising God like you do Mommy,...,and I don't like it when you do that....it embarrasses me." Yes, Big S, Squanto was praising God because he too will bring joy you from your sadness.

Is it a coincidence that we just so happen to be reading Squanto, when it's about losing a family and finding a new one?

......No, I believe in God's divine power. I see it every day in the life of my children.

And then.......

"Mommy, Squeeker is your 'real' son." That one really threw me for a loop. I immediately put a a stop to that. Because I birthed one child and not the others does not make one "real" and the others not. It really hurt my heart about how society defines who is a "real" child.......they are all REAL, they are ALL my children. God designed our family in a very unique and special way -- every day I thank God for how he wove the tapestry of our family together.

If I had to be honest, I think I am harder on Squeeker because he is the oldest, he's been here longer, he knows what the expectations are, and he's is leading the other children by example.

One day at a time.......one hug at a time....one prayer at a time.....

Healing will come.......God is in control.

The Brokenness in Love -- What Noone is Willing to Talk About

Beware.......this post is going to be brutally honest about some of the challenges, hurts, and deep pain that comes with older children adoption.

The other day, Big S and I were talking about 'trust.' I'm realizing every day now that he's home with me during the day as we communicate in English better that there are a lot of nuances in our language that he just doesn't get. Stuff we take for granted because most of us have raised our children since infancy and they have learned common words, phrases and expressions through normal everyday observation. It's really hard trying to describe these things! The last few weeks he's learned more cultural nuances than actual schoolwork, but hey, he's learning and that's all that matters to me.


We've been working on argumentive behavior -- honestly, it just wears me out! From our numerous conversations I'm not sure he even knows he was arguing. Now, I look at him so I have his attention and tell him in a gentle voice, "you are arguing with me?" I usually have to tell him repeatedly (that's when I get really frustrated!). But, I think he's getting it and it's been alot calmer around the house.

He is enjoying the Mommy time when the girls' nap. We either go outside and play, or read on the bed/couch. Today, we read our poetry and Mother Goose Rhymes on the trampoline. All was going well, until he blurted out: "I want to go back to Ethiopia." Hmmm...guess he took me seriously on the "trust" thing. It felt like a punch to the heart, but I knew it wasn't personal and he was trying to express his pain, his brokenness of the loss he doesn't understand. The past few weeks have been filled with "Mommy doesn't like me," "Mommy doesn't love me," followed almost immediately with that sly little smile of his. I know he's testing me, I know he's scared that I too will "give him up." Thankfully, out Social Worker came for one of her regular visits last weekend and talked to us about some things we needed to be on the look-out for. Not sure if this is part of the grief process; I know deep down inside he's still very fearful. Fear can control his behavior but we've done a lot to help him with feeling safe and secure with us. But today, I had to tell him that he couldn't go back to Ethiopia right now, which of course, prompted the "I want to run away" comment. Very hard to step back, breathe, and not take it personal. I know that was a test!

Yet to see the pain, the hurt, and the feeling of loss was so deep on his face today, that it took all I could not to cry. For him, I had to be strong, to be his rock, his security, so he knows ALWAYS that I'm his Mommy, and Daddy is his Daddy and we are a family.

The hardest part is watching the brokenness as he talked about his Ethiopian family and wondering why he had to leave. What do you say? Are there any words that could even begin to comfort??? Although I was right there with him on the trampoline, his pain was something I couldn't take from him....I couldn't protect him, take the hurt away......fix the booboo. And that was hard. He wiggled, squirmed, rolled his way all over the trampoline as he talked, I listened, offered words of encourgement, reassurance of Mommy & Daddy's love is forever. But I knew he has to work through this grief in his own way in order to heal, in order to be whole again. I can only be a bystander. The hardest job as a mother is to see your child in pain knowing nothing you can do will make it better for them.

And then, like a lightbulb, his glum and somber mood changed to happy, playful and comedic. Just like that. He spent the rest of the day just being a boy, but Mommy was worn out by the emotions. Maybe I did take some of the weight off his shoulders, maybe that's why I'm so tired tonight. He's upstairs, fell asleep listening to Wee Sing Nursery Rhymes that he begged me to turn on. In some ways, he wants to "go back" emotionally to a time when he doesn't remember the hurt, the feelings of being abandoned. Maybe listening to Nursery Rhymes is just what he need......transported emotionally back to a time before the hurt that I'll never be able to comprehend.

We've Come a Long Way Baby.....

Wow....I can't believe we've been home almost 4 months now with Big and Little S. You can definitely say the "honeymoon" period is over, but thankfully, almost all of us have settled into a new "normal." A lot has transpired over the last month, so bear with me as I catch you up.

Last week, I pulled both of my children out of Public School. The decision to homeschool Big S did not come lightly. I felt compelled over the past few months to do a lot of research and I've been quite in posting because a lot of my time has been spent doing research and praying for wisdom and guidance from God. Never have I felt so unprepared for anything as I do homeschooling. Yet, I've found that God has been gently guiding me along the way, placing people in my path that have shared with me their homeschooling journeys, curriculums and philosopies. I learned, hello, what a concept, that homeschooling does not have to be rigid and formal. And during all that research, a particular philosophy clicked with me and I realized that "yes, I can do it!" I really believe finding the right homeschooling philosophy that you can embrace is the first key to success. Notice that this is from a HS novice!!!

As we are finishing up our first week of HSing Big S, I can honestly tell you that the first day was really rough. The first few hours I was ready to throw the towel in and enroll him back in school.....ANY SCHOOL. But I perservered and what do you know, a peace has come over me. We still struggle over "seat work" (took me until yesterday to figure out what that meant -- for those of you that don't know...it's the work they do sitting in a chair: Language Arts, Handwriting (not his favorite subject!), and copywork, usually a Bible verse, and finally, story writing. The fun stuff for him is Math, readalouds and Bible! And I can't forget, being outside. All of us LOVE being outside.

So, what's hard about homeschooling? Hmmm....well, all of it. For me, I think the hard part is juggling the two girls and the interruptions while Big S and I are trying to do out seatwork. I keep saying it'll get easier when both girls can go to the bathroom by themselves AND when Pickles is potty trained. Oh my, there will be a huge celebration when that happens. I am SO OVER potty training!

What's good about homeschooling: I think establishing and enforcing the new boundaries are hard, but what I've see so far is a little boy who feels more secure and loved, is happier (except when doing handwriting :-)!) and is less argumentative than before. He also seems more relaxed and happier (except when doing handwriting -- noticing a theme going on???). He and Squeeker are getting along so well, that all I can do is thank God for it. Squeeker wrote on the shower wall with his finger:

"Big S is a good friend and is so funny!"

Wow.......we've come a long way baby!

Squeeker has gone back to Christian school for the year. They offered us a too-good-to-be true deal on the tuition and I was like: "Done.....! Although we did talk it over and decided to support him if he decided he wanted to stay in PS. He didn't.......so we let him stay the remainder of the week and started him this week back at his old Christian school. We were never so happy to "go back" to something safe and familar!

The girls are doing OK. With the start of preschool and AWANA at church on Sunday nights, it's added a complexity to the family dynamics. Little S is struggling with indiscriminate affection and being "dethroned" as the princess. She loves her little tantrums, which worked so well in the Foster Care house in Ethiopia. We knew the dethroning was coming, it just took a bit longer than we expected! That's been a challenge, but we are tightening up the boundaries with her too for the time being.

And let us not forget that beautiful Fall is upon us....my absolute favorite time of the year! I love the warm days and crisp nights. I wish it could stay this way forever.....Here's a few snapshots of a day at our house. We are so fortunate to live around open farmland (and not have to pay the taxes on it!) owned by the family that we bought our house from. We have such great neighbors and wide open spaces...what a dream it is to raise our children here!

I started this post half a dozen times in the past week, but nothing felt right. Now, of course, I have so much to say and not sure where to start or how even to title it.

Let me start with this:

I've had both writer's block and an emotional block these last few weeks. Not sure what to feel, what to write, so I chose not to write anything. Our dear, dear friends who have been married for 25+ years are in crisis. He asked her for a divorce a few weeks ago and it has me feeling unsettled and scared. All marriages go through rough times, and the divorce rate in our country is so high, yet when it hits so close to home, it's unsettling.

There have been other developments going on at our house too. We've seemed to settle in to a rough around the edges "normal." The boys are doing better; the girls are doing great -- you would think they were in the womb together the way they interact with one another. Last week, we had to put them in separate rooms at night because one of them was doing the "instigating" but I couldn't figure out which one it was. Well, the other night, David put them to bed; I was at church and came home to find them in the bed, nose to nose talking up a storm. It was the sweetest thing I have ever seen. Somehow, they were meant to be sisters.

I, on the other hand, have been struggling with some stuff these last few months and finally can "see the light." I've been praying fervently that God will change my heart, give me peace, and joy and contentment in motherhood. Honestly, I'm a typical Type A personality that needs to see goals being accompished, items on my to-do list checked off. I need to see progress. And looking at a sink full of dirty dishes all day does nothing for my temperment.

But maybe I'm starting to realize that accomplishing nothing, or very little, is a good thing. Does it mean I'm more focused on nurturing my children, and just "being" instead of being driven to complete something worldly and tangible?

I've been doing a lot of researh on homeschooling lately and a dear friend directed me to this website as a resource she uses to homeschool her children. She's the "homeschooling" veteran, and honestly, I needed some advise from a veteran. I've been doing my research, knowing God has preparing me for this, yet still feeling incredibly fearful and unsettled. Yet, this website, http://www.jeanniefulbright.com/ stopped me dead in my tracks. It really captured exactly what I've been struggling with.

Today, at the gym, I had this realization: some women were born to be mothers, others grow into the role, sometimes kicking and screaming. I, I'm afraid to admit, fall into the latter category. I was born into a family of very selfish people; selfishness is something I never had to work hard it.....it just came naturally to me. And being a mother, well, we have to give it up and I've been struggling with holding on to just a little, itty-bitty piece of me. And then this encouraging page on Jeannie's website set me free. The irony, if there is any, is that I just read the Oswald Chambers devotion a week or so ago about this same subject: "Forgetting About Me." I just love how God reaffirms to me exactly what I need to hear, just in case I didn't get it the first time! I can be a little stubborn, you know!

Slowly, a peacefulness has started to creep over my ugliness. My patience is increasing....I'm laughing, I'm enjoying my children, and I'm working on being less "self-aware." This is a season, one I hope I can look back on as joyful, even through the struggles.

And through all of the chaos in this transition, I continue to see God and how awesome He is. Big S accepted Jesus as His Savoir this week and I was honored to be able to walk him through the Prayer of Salvation. What an incredible honor and a gift that God gave me in that moment.

So, what you ask, was it that "set me free?" This very simple sentence. I hope you too can be set free by it!

"If we forget about ourselves and look only to God, then we will truly be able to love others as He calls us to do." Jeannie Fulbright

Yesterday I Fell......

The day finally happened; I knew it would; I just didn't know when. Yet there were moments during the last few months when I thought this day was a long, long way off.

Yesterday I fell. Not the normal clumsiness that one would expect from me.

Yesterday I fell, head over heals, hopelessly in love with my son.

Look at him....how could you not????

That smile illuminates his face....lights up a room.

His sense of humor took a lot getting used to.

Ironic for a family whose sense of humor is strange and warped, to say the least.

"Sees," my cute, adorable nickname for him. Rhymes with "grease" or "piece." Well, he's been having quite the time in school. All summer he begged and pleaded with me about school: "Mom....when do I go to school?" Now, all I hear is: "Mom,,,,,I don't want to go to school." And then yesterday, "Mom, instead of a chicken coop (Ok....don't ask...you really don't want to know), can Daddy build a schoolhouse in the backyard so we can learn there?"

My heart fell to my knees......in a million pieces. It was then, at that moment, that I realized that he was just as much my child as my other children. I was hopelessly in love with him...I was "Momma Bear" and would protect him to the bitter end.

Prior to that, honestly, and ashamed, I really struggled. He gave me the most challenges, and still does in some ways. He just seemed to find those buttons that would send mommy immediately to the edge....and PUSH them, repeatedly.

Yet, he's the one that tells me over and over again "Mommy, I love you" or "I need 'Mommy love'" or my personal favorite "You're MY mommy." He is very much like me......his love language is 'physical touch' and no matter how much you hug and love on him, it's like there is a hole in his bucket. The more I shower him with love, hugs and affirmation, the more he needs.

This week, we worked it out with his teacher to give a presentation to his class on Ethiopia. We titled it "Ethiopia: Where I'm From." Most, if not all, of his classmates had NO CLUE that he had only been in America for two months. Most took the news with shock and surprise. Others, shockingly, told me they too were from another country: West Virginia and Texas. Whew....didn't see that coming!

Public school is new to us. Squeeker went to a private, Christian school for 4 years. He learned his continents in a Montessori preschool. My first, gut reaction was " Ok, we're pulling

him out and I'm homeschooling." Momma Bear kicked in hard and strong.

Yet, I felt God's presence. Don't be hasty, Robin. Suffering creates character. Yeah, God, but he's only 6. I was then reminded of what Squeeker went through at 3, and again at 5. God doesn't give us more than we can handle....and that goes for little ones as well. The hardest thing to do as a mother is to watch your child hurt. My job is to comfort him, provide a safe and loving home that encourages him to be who he is suppose to be, to love him unconditionally, give him opportunities to make age- appropriate decisions so when he's 16 and has a tough one to make, he's made a few along the way, and finally, encouragement him to get back up and be strong. It's not my job to remove all of life's obstacles, trials and suffering from him. But I want to......I want to protect him from the teasing about:

...having white parents (kids notice that, you know....)

...about his accent (which I absolutely love!)

...how he eats.....some is cultural and some is the fear of being hungry again

...when he screams in the bathroom when someone shuts off the lightsbecause he's scared of the dark

...and from his laugh that comes deep down in his tummy

God created us all different for a reason. How boring would life be if we were all the same....

I know my family is unique...

I know we stand out like a sore thumb...

I know people stare at us and wonder...

I see the questioning looks....

I see the disdain in faces...

I see the curiosity...

I hope they see LOVE......

I was shopping at BJ's with the girls this morning and a sweet African American lady who works there said this to me: "The first time I saw you, I thought you were babysitting." Wow....I didn't see that one coming.....THAT was funny!

We then went on to talk for about an hour about the girls' hair. Me, pasty-white girl, was giving her advise on black hair.....God really does have a sense of humor!

Now, who would have thought that would happen??????

Yes, they're my children...they are ALL my children. Each one a gift from God. Each one unique and special in their own way.

Today, I was told I was "blessed."

Yes, I am blessed.

Four beautiful children call me "Mommy."

"If I Knew Then What I Know Now....."

"If I Knew Then What I Know Now....Would you _______????" (fill in the blank)

A dangerously delicate and loaded question, isn't it? I've toyed with this question a lot the last week for reasons I won't delve into. I would caution anyone reading this not to ask this question if you are not truly prepared for any possible answer, including the one you'd least expect.

Do we ask because we wonder what our lives would have been like if we really knew what it would be like BEFORE we had to make a choice? or would we make no choice at all?

Do we ask because we'd choose another path, the one without resistance, pain and heartache?

Do we ask because we need validation?

Do we ask because we have insecurity and need affirmation?

Do we ask because we really want the truth?

Be careful.......the truth can set you free, but it can also paralyze you.......

I know firsthand how much freedom comes with truth,

and also how absolutely devastating the truth can be.

The truth can cut you like a knife......

The truth can release you from the bondage of sin.

The truth CAN set you free.......

The truth can feel like a gut-wrenching punch that steals your breath away.

The truth can steal your security....

The truth can make everything you thought you knew, be a lie.

The truth is......life hurts.

The truth is......life is hard.

The truth is.....it takes pain to grow.

The truth is.....suffering makes us more like Christ.

If I Knew Then What I Know Now, Would I......

• treat my mom differently knowing she was going to die at 60?
• would I say "I'm sorry" and mean it?
• would I offer forgiveness sooner (because it truly does set you free)
• would I be less stubborn?
• waited til my mid-30s to have children?
• married my ex-husband?
• adopted twice?
• moved "South?"
• become "Baptist?"
• run from God instead of towards God?

.....and the list goes on an on.......and each of us have our own "list" of choices we've made that have defined and shaped our lives.

Every choice we've had to make over the years, every crossroad life has delivered us to EXACTLY where we are today. God has woven an incredible tapestry called "life" in each of our lives and we are exactly where He wants us to be; even though it may not be where WE want to be. God doesn't make mistakes...He brings good out of everything.

It may not seem it at the moment, when the pain is running deep.

Yet God heals......

and that's what I'm holding on to..........

Because I Am Broken

Because I am Broken......I am afraid

Because I am Broken.......I am angry

Because I am Broken.......I am frustrated

Because I am Broken.....I am resentful

Because I am Broken......I am bitter

Because I am Broken.......I am critical

Because I am Broken........I saw myself in him today......

I had to stop running.....

Because now I understand........

His anger is like my anger.....

His hurt is like my hurt...

The pain of abandonment........

The loss of everything he knew......

Why, God, he must ask? Everyone and everything he knew is gone......

They promised him everything would be OK in America.....

But it's not OK......

His heart still hurts.....

He is still so confused....

He doesn't understand so many things......

But then, he starts to trust.....and to smile.....and his eyes are so bright and shiny....

........

But then he pulls back....

And he is angry again.....really angry.

Why can't I play with that toy made for toddlers?

Why don't I have friends like big brother does?

Why do I have to go to that big, big school?

Why, I ask?

Because I am broken.......I finally see.......that he too, is broken.

That is our connection.....

That is our bond....

This is what we can hold on to.....

To move forward.

I love you little guy......my heart hurts too.

Together, yes together, we'll get through this......

I am so very sorry........my heart hurts for not understanding....

But now I do.....

As I held you while I cried today, my heart swelled with love for you.....

Will you forgive me?

Will you trust me?

..
..
..

Will you be my son?