Friday, July 31, 2009

A Few Moments.....

I'm breathing....really breathing...and all on my own.....

I know it's been awhile since I've posted. I've been overwhelmed, depressed and still fighting to breathe as we adjust to our new life with four children. The days are getting easier, the tantrums are less often. And finally, praise God for this, we are starting to see the bonding take place. The boys are both still struggling....they both are very needy, and unfortunately, the girls are getting more of the attention just because their ages dictate it.

So.....what am I doing?????? Right this very minute, I am dressed (ha...you know what I mean...I actually have on a cute pair of sandals.....) and have make-up on. Wow??? Make-up???? What's up with that????

Well.......

I'm sitting in the lobby of the Embassy Suites in Concord, NC for the annual She Speaks Conference because there was a mix-up in my schedule and I found out I had a few hours of time to myself. I registered for this conference way back in the late winter, thinking the timing on our 2nd adoption would have been different. Home a month, well, 33 days to be exact, but who's counting, and I'm away from home for two days (notice I didn't say nights???? I'll be driving home late both nights so that I can be with the kids, if even for a few minutes in the morning).

And how do I feel about that? You know it would be unlike me to tell a lie.......

As always, I'm going to lay it on the line and put my soul out there....

I really didn't want to go to the She Speaks Conference; for many reasons more than I want to go into right now. Then, the last few days, I wanted to go because I just wanted to get out of the house, away from the kids, so I could breathe, and hopefully, in this time away from the kids, find myself again. Who I am??? Who was I??? Who/what am I suppose to be????

And then something funny happened..and please don't tell my husband this, because I'll NEVER hear the end of it. I sat in the driveway this morning programming my GPS (the very best invention in the world!!!). And........part of me didn't want to leave! WHAT??????? I was dumfounded with that emotion....WHERE did THAT come from???? I've been dying to get away from the kids, from work, from the house, from everything......I was drowning in a myriad of emotions.........I was overwhelmed...discouraged...and depressed with all the responsibilities I now carried on my shoulders as a mother to FOUR children. I wanted to breathe......I needed to breath..........just breathe...............

without interruption,

without someone tugging at my leg, calling "Mommy........Mommy......"

without having to take a preschooler ....or two......to the "potty."

As I sat in the car getting ready to put the car in "reverse," I watched each of my children walk outside to help Daddy with the firewood. I was finally able to see each one of them in a different light.......

The light God intented for me to see them in....the light in which GOD saw them............

And my heart swelled with love for each one of them. They are all so different in so many different ways, and yet I noticed something new on each one of their little faces.....(ok..let's face it .... none of my children have "little" personalities..they all have larger - than - life personalities).

I saw Love....

I saw Trust....

I saw "I feel safe here......"

I saw a Family.......

I saw God............and the incredible tapestry in which he weaved my incredible unique and diverse family together....

I can't wait to get home...to hug each and everyone of them and tell them...and show them....how much Mommy loves them.

This time in my life is a season.......and one day, many years from now...I'll look back and remember this morning as a Spiritual Marker....the day I saw God in each one of my beautiful children..............

6 comments:

The Albertsons said...

I love these reminders robin... I truly love them. i need to see this time in my life as priceless... fleeting. it will be gone in the blink of an eye, and then i'll drive down to your house when all of our kids are in college or working... and we'll be sad at how quiet it all is. (well, maybe we'll enjoy it just a little :).
we are blessed to be raising these "babies"... even on the really hard days.
love ya!
becca

Monica said...

I've been thinking about you this week, wondering how things were going. It all sounds very familiar to our fisrt month at home. And I have had the same feelings of just wanting to leave for awhile, then not really wanting to leave once I actually had the opportunity. So glad you are seeing God in your children. What a blessing!

My3Monkeys said...

beautiful Robin. You hold on to that feeling and let it carry you through the rough spots. You love them now more than even you realize, and they love you too. Hang on tight! As always, we are here if you need us. And we really missed you all today at the park!

Nikki said...

Thanking God for love!

Thinking of you guys-

CB said...

Hey Robin! I am going to be in your neck of the woods all this week-Probably just minutes from you-I know you are probably busy but I would love to meet your family if you have a sec. The email I will be using is wildcatpack@gmail.com-(hopefully I can find some internet service)
If you get a sec email me with your phone number!

Kristy -Mom To 6 Blessings said...

Thanks for your sweet comment Robin. Adoptions come in a all shapes and sizes. Hang in there....Grace's adjustment was a piece of cake and Eliana's was tougher. My daughter Kristin was 10 when we adopted her.....now that was REALLY tough for a while.....I would pray at night telling the Lord that I trusted that she was in a better place than she was before because it was so bad at our house with her adjustment. Arm yourself with good friends and prayer partners. You will get through this and it will get better. If you haven't read this blog, it has great tips on dealing with grief, adjustment, etc:
http://www.abushel-and-apeck.blogspot.com/
Also, I just started reading Karyn Purvis' The Connected Child to better prepare myself (and fill up my toolbox) for our new three. Just some ideas.......
I promise that when you get through all of the muck, there is such joy watching your new little blessings blossom and bloom.....it is an amazing thing to behold!
Blessings,
Kristy