Thursday, August 6, 2009

Out of Pennies

In the chaos of my everyday life of raising four kids, a lot happens during the day that you don't have a chance to process until later......when the kids are in bed......when it's quiet....no TV...no radio...no Facebook (yikes!).........no internet.

Just quiet.....quiet...

no peace, but quiet.

In the course of chasing two preschoolers out of the master bedroom for what seems like the 100th time, a penny fell out whatever I had in my hand at the moment. Of course, I can't seem to recall what I had in my hand. But, I do remember the penny falling to the floor. I picked it up, put it down, and remember thinking: "yeah, Mom...I hear you."

What I didn't realize THEN was that was the last penny from heaven....

the last time I'd feel my Mom presence....

the last time she reached out to me to tell me to change....

the last time she tried to instill her wisdom to me as a mom...

the last time......I could hold on to the grief of losing her.....

the last time I could wallow in my own self-pity.....

I had many conversation with my Mom those last few months...none more impressive to me that the "penny" conversation. She had great wisdom about marriage.......she thrived through an oppressive marriage to my father. For years, I had no respect for her because she stayed. Many years later, my admiration for her grew, because she stayed......because she didn't run...

when I would have.

One of the last conversations with my Mom, I asked her how was I going to do this (wife and motherhood) without her. I needed her wisdom, her experience, her strength. After years of a strained relationship with my Mom, we were finally able to put our differences aside and have the relationship I had yearned for for years. God gave me her as a mother for a reason; little did I know WHY until today.

"Pennies," she said..."I'll throw you pennies from heaven when you are wrong. When you see a penny on the ground, I'm talking to you, Robin." I have to be honest, I've seen many pennies in the 4+ years since my Mom died. But yesterday's penny was different; and it didn't really hit me until just a few minutes ago. I knew I finally needed to let her go.....to stop wishing, and praying that she was here with me. No one knows me like my Mom did...no one understands me like she did....no one taught me to be me like she did.......I NEED HER...............

to hold me...

to comfort me....

to snap me out of the funk I've been in...., not to mention the pity party I've been stuck in....

I can see my children in a different light now. Their grief isn't any different than mine.....their hurt doesn't hurt any less than mine does.

It's time to let go.........because I'm out of pennies.

It's time to look up, and keep looking up to THE only one that can heal.


Sweet Jesus...hear the cried of my heart today...hear the cries of my children's heart, even though they don't understand what they feel.


We come to YOU today,
broken and hurting
weary and burdened
give us rest
Sweet Jesus.

6 comments:

LoveNotes4CocoPrincess said...

Hey Robin!

It's Friday morning, I'm heading out my house but you were on my mind and in my heart today...Just wanted to send you some LOVE and to say, "May Your Weekend Be Filled with Joy and with Peace!"

CB said...

We got our referral yesterday! We are so excited about our beautiful, sixteen month old-

Sorry I missed you last week-I had to rush back to the lake house, clean up, find a laundry mat and then get back to Davidson by lunch to see the last ball games. It was so hectic-Believe me, I slept like a baby after all the driving I did last week-Hope we can get together when it is not so spur of the moment!

Micah&Livi'sMom said...

Robin~
You touched me with this post. I want you to remember that even though your mom is gone, you are still loved. Jesus loves you and through adoption we have connected and I love you too! Anytime you need to call me!
Mystina

Kristy -Mom To 6 Blessings said...

Hi Robin!
Just checking in on you and your clan! I want you to know that you are such an encouragement and blessing to all of us adoptive families! Thanks for sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly.:-) It is a pleasure to watch how the Lord is molding your family on a daily basis into something beautiful.
Love & Blessings,
Kristy

Nikki said...

Thinking of you as we, too, work through this time of transition.

Blessings to you!

Dawn said...

I've been away from the internet for a couple of weeks. I've not had time to digest more than an occasional email until today. I am blessed to read your blog sweet Robin. May God truly be your comfort and your strength.

Love you...