Thursday, December 31, 2009

A New Year's Eve Reflection

Tonight is a time of reflection for me. I still here alone in a still and quiet house; a complete constrast to what life sounds like in the waking hours. I relish the stillness; it is in these rare, yet quiet moments that I hear God.

When I was just a young girl, I wondered what life would be like at the beginning of a new century, in the year 2000. I calculated exactly how old I would be when our world welcomed in a new century. I daydreamed for hours over what my life would be like. But from the eyes of a young girl, being a 35 year old woman in the year 2000 seemed a lifetime away. I couldn't imagine being 20, never mind 35.

Fast forward many years, through the trials and tribulations of what we call life. Today, I am reflective and am perplexed as I ask myself: are we ever where we think we'd be at a certain point in our lives? Are we ever "over" stuff that we think we've conquered? Do the scars of past hurts ever really heal? Does the pain of lost friendships ever go away, or do we carry a nagging discomfort with us forever?

As a little girl growing up in "Dysfunction Junction", I clung to the fairy tale and believed in happily ever after. Did I really have a clue what it would be like to be a real "grown-up?" On New Year's Eve 1999/2000, I sat up nursing my preemie son. Just a few short weeks prior, I discovered a shocking secret that was soon to destroy a marriage and everything else I believed in. A secret that when revealed, made me a bitter and angry woman. A hurt that ran deep to the core of who I am. One, I'm afraid, I still cling to on nights like tonight. One I have a hard time letting go of and moving forward and allowing myself to live in the present. And maybe, just maybe, allowing myself to be loved.

In the days and weeks prior to Y2K, I watched "In the Year 2000" skits on Conan O'Brien more nights than I care to remember as I stared zombie-like watching late night TV. Ironically, as is the pattern in my life, New Year's Eve 1999/2000 was one of the few nights I wasn't awake at the strike of midnight. Not a big fan of New Year's, I found myself a bit disappointed that on the night it really mattered, I had fallen asleep.

And tonight, again a night where we end one decade and begin another, I find myself reflective. Am I were I thought I'd be? That's almost laughable. I'm middle-aged with two pre-schoolers, homeschooling an almost 7 year old, and a 10 year old on the brink of puberty. mom must be laughing her guts out in heaven right now. God, she used to tell me that God had a really funny sense of humor. Ha.....I thought she was joking. Guess the jokes on me, isn't it?

So tonight, I have to ask myself some pretty important questions:

Am I happy?

What does it mean to be really happy? Do we just grasp moments of happiness that sustain us through the hard times?

Am I content?

Do I love my life?

Do I live each day for the gift that it is?

Do I love my children each day like it was the only day I'd have with them?

If today was my last day on earth, what would my legacy be? Would it be what I had hoped and dreamed it would be? Would God say to me: "my good and faithful servant" at the gates of heaven?

Some heavy questions to ponder.

This year has been a challenging year in many ways; and an amazingly joyous year in other ways. A year of a myriad of emotions, some happening simultaneously. Wave and waves of tumultuous emotions. We rode out the storms....and made it through this set of trials. Are we stronger because of them? Or just more bitter and angry?

Is our speech, our actions, and our unspoken thoughts good and pure?

And as we draw to close the end of another decade, we are more in touch with the conveniences of modern technology: IPODS, WIFI, cell phones with WIFI....blah...blah...blah....

I have to ask myself, are we really moving towards a lfast-paced ife of modern conveniences or.....

away from what really matters.......

No comments: