Monday, May 10, 2010

The Dark Forest

Ever been there?

Ever knew it was there and yet spend years trying to go around it, dodge it, and/or avoid it? Knowing how bad it would be yet knowing it was inevitable?

Been there, done that.....recently too. I've been trying NOT to write this post, but have been so encouraged by others that have "come out of the closet" recently and admitted their struggles with post adoption turmoil. It's the last thing we think of during the endless months of the ups and downs that come with international adoption. Unresolved grief and loss that has been stuffed down deep in a closet until the closet literally burst open at the seems, almost like an explosion. The stress of changing dynamics, no time for exercise, which for years was the stress reliever that kept that closet door shut. Explosion......at enormous proportions.

Darkness has surrounded me for months. I never in a million years imagined how difficult it would be going from two to four children. Actually, I went from being a working Mom of one to a stay-at-home homeschooling Mom to 4 in 20 months time. Not to mention the death of my mother-in-law during that time, coupled with unresolved grief at the loss of my own mom 5 years ago.

Darkness, surrounding me on all sides. No where to look, no light, no hope, no nothing. Every day was a challenge. Getting of bed each and every morning took every once of strength I had. I would awaken every morning and think: "not again, ...I can't do this again today." I was overwhelmed, and angry and saw no way out or up. For the first time in my life, I truly understood despair at it's deepest and lowest level.

Thankfully, when you hit bottom emotionally, there is only one way left to go, and that is UP!

I'm grateful for the praying friends and family that surrounded me during what I call "the darkness." For those that didn't give up, kept on praying and petitioning Our Heavenly Father on my behalf. Thankful for my husband, that stood by me during those darkest moments. And thankful for my sweet husband's hand, that is walking beside me on the way out of the forest. I had to walk into the dark forest alone, but I don't have to walk out of it alone.

Today, I see the future more clearly.

Today, I have hope for the future God has promised.

Today, I am a new woman. Not completely healed, but on her way.

1 comment:

Dawn said...

Love "seeing" God's work in your life. Thanks for sharing your heart.