I'm sitting here in the kitchen with my 3 year old...it's early -- on 6:13 am. She woke up early because she is night potty training and recognized she had to go...whoeee....she was DRY this morning!!! Wowzer......this just makes my day.
Anyway, here we are, just one daughter and I. I'm looking at her and say: "You are so stinking cute!" Her facial expressions just crack me up....she is so animated. So I go on to get her more OJ after discovering her favorite "new" cereal (Peanut Butter Captain Crunch), she puts her little hand on my arm, rubs it up and down, and says: "Mommy...you always take care of me...." Ahhhh....priceless. This is why, at 46, I have four kids under the age of 10!
And yesterday.....hmmmmmm...yesterday. A day of many first was yesterday. Hubby's almost 84 year old aunt lives near us in a skilled nursing facility (oh...how I hate that politically correct name). Aunt Dottie is just a hoot.....never married, traveled extensively...my husband calls her "Grumpy," I call her "Trouble." She is funny...I just wish I had more time to spend with her.
I regressed,,,,,,we took her to lunch yesterday with the rest of the family. You know, blending a family has it's challenges. And I'm not just talking about adoption here! Across the table from me sat my husband's ex-wife. It's not the first time we've been together socially....we've had her over our house a few times on Christmas Eve and even spent the day together with my husband the day my step-daughter gave birth to her daughter 18 months ago. Why not???? She's my step-kids' Mom; she raised them. I really hate that word "step-fill in the blank. I'm not my step-kids Mom....I never have been. Two were adults when we met; the other was 15. Although I'm closer to my youngest step-son, only because I've spent more time with him than the other two.
At first, the whole "step-Mom" thing was really awkward and uncomfortable. I'm not saying it's perfect now, but I think we are all getting there. My heart breaks for them; how difficult it must be to see their Dad with someone other than their Mom. Since I've never experienced this, I can't truly understand how difficult this must be for them. Yet, for the most part, they've really handled it quite well.
And how cool it was to see my girls play with my husband's 18 month old granddaughter AND my son playing with my husband's 7 year old (a little less than a month apart in age) grandson! And this one just blows me away....my step-daughter just tells me very matter of factly at the restaurant that she's totally OK with him spending the night at her house. At first, I was concerned about whether Big S was ready for it; if he felt secure enough with us to spend the night somewhere else? I wish I had the finesse that my step-daughter has.....I had her ask him if he was OK with it....to give him the finally say in case he wasn't comfortable with it. And ta-day.......my son spent the night with my step-daughter last night! My husband ran over there later to drop off clean clothes, PJs and a toothbrush and reported back that he was having the time of his life! Progress!!!!!
And while Big S was out and about behaving like a normal, well-adjusted 7 year old, we took the girls on the boat. At the end of the season last year, we bought a two person float to tow behind the boat. We intentionally didn't put additional air in it yesterday so it wouldn't go too fast. So, both girls got in it (I wish I had my camera); we went over the hand gestures: thumbs up = OK; horizontal movement of the hand = STOP! If you could have seen them....I lip-read them saying "faster.....faster!" And the reason they wanted to get out: was the debris from the trees that was sticking to their legs, not how fast we were pulling them!
As I watched them, I realized that these moments are exactly what life is about......I hope they look back, years from now, and remember these moments. I know I will.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
The Dark Forest
Ever been there?
Ever knew it was there and yet spend years trying to go around it, dodge it, and/or avoid it? Knowing how bad it would be yet knowing it was inevitable?
Been there, done that.....recently too. I've been trying NOT to write this post, but have been so encouraged by others that have "come out of the closet" recently and admitted their struggles with post adoption turmoil. It's the last thing we think of during the endless months of the ups and downs that come with international adoption. Unresolved grief and loss that has been stuffed down deep in a closet until the closet literally burst open at the seems, almost like an explosion. The stress of changing dynamics, no time for exercise, which for years was the stress reliever that kept that closet door shut. Explosion......at enormous proportions.
Darkness has surrounded me for months. I never in a million years imagined how difficult it would be going from two to four children. Actually, I went from being a working Mom of one to a stay-at-home homeschooling Mom to 4 in 20 months time. Not to mention the death of my mother-in-law during that time, coupled with unresolved grief at the loss of my own mom 5 years ago.
Darkness, surrounding me on all sides. No where to look, no light, no hope, no nothing. Every day was a challenge. Getting of bed each and every morning took every once of strength I had. I would awaken every morning and think: "not again, ...I can't do this again today." I was overwhelmed, and angry and saw no way out or up. For the first time in my life, I truly understood despair at it's deepest and lowest level.
Thankfully, when you hit bottom emotionally, there is only one way left to go, and that is UP!
I'm grateful for the praying friends and family that surrounded me during what I call "the darkness." For those that didn't give up, kept on praying and petitioning Our Heavenly Father on my behalf. Thankful for my husband, that stood by me during those darkest moments. And thankful for my sweet husband's hand, that is walking beside me on the way out of the forest. I had to walk into the dark forest alone, but I don't have to walk out of it alone.
Today, I see the future more clearly.
Today, I have hope for the future God has promised.
Today, I am a new woman. Not completely healed, but on her way.
Ever knew it was there and yet spend years trying to go around it, dodge it, and/or avoid it? Knowing how bad it would be yet knowing it was inevitable?
Been there, done that.....recently too. I've been trying NOT to write this post, but have been so encouraged by others that have "come out of the closet" recently and admitted their struggles with post adoption turmoil. It's the last thing we think of during the endless months of the ups and downs that come with international adoption. Unresolved grief and loss that has been stuffed down deep in a closet until the closet literally burst open at the seems, almost like an explosion. The stress of changing dynamics, no time for exercise, which for years was the stress reliever that kept that closet door shut. Explosion......at enormous proportions.
Darkness has surrounded me for months. I never in a million years imagined how difficult it would be going from two to four children. Actually, I went from being a working Mom of one to a stay-at-home homeschooling Mom to 4 in 20 months time. Not to mention the death of my mother-in-law during that time, coupled with unresolved grief at the loss of my own mom 5 years ago.
Darkness, surrounding me on all sides. No where to look, no light, no hope, no nothing. Every day was a challenge. Getting of bed each and every morning took every once of strength I had. I would awaken every morning and think: "not again, ...I can't do this again today." I was overwhelmed, and angry and saw no way out or up. For the first time in my life, I truly understood despair at it's deepest and lowest level.
Thankfully, when you hit bottom emotionally, there is only one way left to go, and that is UP!
I'm grateful for the praying friends and family that surrounded me during what I call "the darkness." For those that didn't give up, kept on praying and petitioning Our Heavenly Father on my behalf. Thankful for my husband, that stood by me during those darkest moments. And thankful for my sweet husband's hand, that is walking beside me on the way out of the forest. I had to walk into the dark forest alone, but I don't have to walk out of it alone.
Today, I see the future more clearly.
Today, I have hope for the future God has promised.
Today, I am a new woman. Not completely healed, but on her way.
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