Monday, September 3, 2007

Another "God Moment"

If my faith wasn't so strong, I think I would be a bit concerned about the number of "God moments" I've had lately. Initially, when we heard the final news that we had to wait until the courts reopen in September to "redo" the adoption contract for Pickles, we were so disappointed. I don't think "disappointed" even captures the feelings we felt. We bought everything we needed for the trip, including all of our humanitarian supplies, and a ton of baby stuff. We were like two kids in a candy store on a sugar high!!! The portable crib was set up and decorated in the dining room in anticipation of her homecoming on August 31st.

Weeks have gone by since those moments, as I've walked by the crib, seeing the clothes that may not fit her when we hopefully go in October to bring her home, the suitcases, packed with the humanitarian aid, are cluttering up my dining room, (For those of you that know me well, I don't like clutter!!), only made my heart break more for moments I believed we were missing out on. Delays, why GOD? Why were we delayed? My heart poured out to God in continuous prayer throughout the days and nights. My heart was breaking, tears fell from my eyes as I tried to go to sleep at night begging God for answers. As a Christian, I know that all good works for those who love God, and of course: "all in God's timing" or better, "God's timing is perfect." You see, God's hand has been on this adoption from the beginning. Actually, God's hand has been working in me for years, preparing me for these moments! So, why I asked God, why NOW? We are so close. To see Pickles beautiful smiling face knowing she was only a few short weeks away from coming home, to then have the rug pulled out from us. I agonized over the "whys." I had a myriad of emotions: I was sad, I was angry, I tried to understand (notice the word "tried") the delays, but in reality my heart was breaking for the little girl that my arms were yearning to hold.

And then, God started working, showing me little by little why the time was not right. And why I was needed right here for a few short weeks to minister to another Christian woman in a marriage crisis, to be there for Momma J and Poppa Dave when they had to make the decision to have their 14 year old Boston named Wuzzie put to sleep, and yesterday, in church, when one of our Ministry leaders made an announcement in church about an important ministry restarting after a summer hiatus. As I sat in my pew yesterday listening to him talk about this ministry, my heart started beating uncontrollably; it felt like my heart was beating outside my chest. I tried negotiating with God: "Please God, don't make me go up there and talk. You know how much I fear talking in front of people. Please God, I don't like to be vulnerable." My heart continued to beat faster and faster. Reluctantly, I got up and walked up to the podium with the Ministry Leader, and briefly told the entire church how this ministry helped me work through the pain of my childhood through the love and acceptance by the leadership team and by writing and delivering my testimony. The healing that came through that process was amazing. I urged any of them that felt that same prompting to take a step out on faith. To be honest, I'm not sure what else I said because it was not my words that came out of my mouth yesterday, they were God's.

Little by little, God is showing me that an eight week delay is really just a spec in the big picture, in His plan. It's still not easy, but I'm placing my faith in Him, that truly, all things work for the good of those that love God.

No comments: