Thursday, February 26, 2009

One Day I'll Look Back on this Time and Laugh

One day, a long time from now, I'll look back and laugh at all that's transpired these last few weeks. But for right now, I'm wallowing in a big pool of self-pity, not to mention being a bit overwhelmed.

First, I'd like to congrats all those families that received court dates this week. But if I am to be brutally honest, and those of you know that know me well, know that I am honest to a fault, I'm not dealing with it all too well. One of these days I'll learn to tame the tongue, but today that just doesn't seem to be in the cards for me, in spite of all the prayers I've prayed. I'm having a pity party......you know the deal: woah is me.....blah....blah...blah....it's not fair,,,,,blah...blah..blah. You get the the point. Miserable and pathetic.......that is how I feel. Not to mention heart broken.

Althougth I've tried, honestly from the bottom of my heart, to be happy for those of you, inside my heart is breaking and aching for my children waiting for me. Knowing they are old enough to understand they have a new family; but not old enough to grasp WHY we aren't there yet, it is incredibly hard from an ocean away.

One day I'll look back on this and be able to see God's perfect plan. But today, I can't. I've tried, oh, have I tried. The well wishers have told me "all in God's timing." And if I must be boldly honest, I really don't want to hear about God's perfect timing. I can't hear that without my heart breaking because in my earthly heart, I don't understand WHY we are still waiting after 11 weeks and others are not. Selfish, yes, I know. But I would be doing a disservice to anyone out there to tell you that I'm OK....because I'm not OK. And I won't be OK until we get through court and are on our way to them.

I wasn't going to write this....I was going to go into blog hiding and pretend all was well. But I can't.........and others that have waited longer than we have know how we feel. There are no words of comfort, no bible passages that can take away the pain in my heart.

And as if this wasn't enough.....we've taken on a big undertaking in finishing up the outside of our house. What a nightmare..........I live in the MONEY PIT! It's like peeling an onion, not quite knowing whether the onion is bad until you peel the layers off. And every layer we remove, there is a smelly, dirty, and usually rotting wood underneath. So, we've totally blown our budget; I'm overwhelmed with how much more this is going to cost us and WHERE the money is going to come from. Honestly, we can't stop now.........Today we found out that we have another rotten rafter........at least three feet up from the soffit. Solution = tear off two layers of shingles, rip off the plywood and repair yet another rafter to stabilize the roof. Hmmm.....that wasn't in the budget. Did I mention we already did this over the garage???????? The garage...oh what a mess the garage was. I can't even begin to go there........

So, you say, we have a lot of stress in our lives right now.....Enough to bust most people. But God.....he's got a sense of humor. My Mom used to tell me that all the time.....and she was right. On top of all this, David's elderly aunt (never married; no children) has supported herself her entire life, saved for retirement, went to college....did the "American Dream." And then the bottom of the credit market dropped out, the stock market crashed, and what was left of her entire portfolio was Bank of America stock. Do you see where this is going?????? Let me sum it up by saying she didn't qualify for Medicaid initially because she made too much money. If anyone of you have voted for a liberal Democrat, you might want to stop reading because I'm about to get on my soap-box.

How is it that a deserving woman who's supported herself for her entire life, paid into the system...blah...blah...blah, is now not qualified because she makes too much money in her Social Security check????? I'm having a difficult time getting my arms around the 'system' we've greated in this country that enables those that feel they are "entitled," or worse yet, those that continue the cycle living off the welfare system. What is wrong with us? How did we get so far off track from the American Dream....of working hard.......sweat labor.......sacrificing to get ahead. Or, worse.....what happened to helping our neighbors? Do any of us really know our neighbors????? OH my goodness....I am angry.....and disgusted....and fed up....and frustrated......and just plain disgusted.

What happened to having pride in ourselves and taking care of our families????????? What is happening to our country?????????? I know.....we've created a society of entitlement and government subsidies. Honestly, I pay into the system and have always paid into the system........I'm paying my taxes, and working hard for someone else to get a free ride. And I'm mad....I'm really mad. And I'm tired of it. How can we let this happen to a sweet 82 year old woman??????? Where is the justice in our country??????? It's OK not to work, get pregnant on purpose, and have the baby delivered on Medicaid????? Back in my day, you don't plan a pregnancy you can't afford. Accidents, surprises, OOOOPS pregnancies happen all the time...I get that...But to purposefully plan a pregnancy when you know you can't afford it, yet do it anyway????? And who pays????? I do.....and every hard working middle class American pays.....that's who bales them out.

Yep....I'm angry.........and I'm entitled to be angry. See how much they like that.

5 comments:

The Albertsons said...

Heeeey sweet Robin...
You go girl, speak your mind. We can handle it and God can handle it. You have every right to feel heartbroken and to express that. If you didn't, you'd be fake. I personally don't like fake, although a lot of people do. But you're helping the fakers by showing them reality, and that hey, maybe we need God to hold us up through the hard times, not to make our lives pretty and shiny and perfect. Everyone who's adopted *should* understand your heartache over this court date not happening. Even those who are rejoicing KNOW that they'd feel like you if they had been dealt the same hand.
Hang in there friend. You are AMAZING and your heart is REAL and HUGE and that's why you're aching so deeply for your kids and your aunt and everyone who is suffering. Because you have been drawn in close to Christ.
love love love and hugs
becca

Anonymous said...

I loved your post. Hang in there. I can't even imagine how frustrating this is for you. We have been waiting for 7 months for our referral. I never dreamed we would be waiting this long. I can't imagine the wait after seeing the picture and becoming attached. I will continue to pray that you hear some wonderful news soon.

LoveNotes4CocoPrincess said...

Robin, I, as a human being, full of expectations, feel where you are coming from; however, I, understanding that God owes me nothing of an explaination, can truly say that no, I don't feel truth resides in everyone who's adopted "should" understand --- (yes, I'm rejecting Albertson's claim that those of us who are rejoicing KNOW that we'd feel the same way); because we (my family and I) have been in this game for over two years now. No, I don't have my time-frame up on my blog right now because I purposely wanted to hold off until we have our child home to blog about the "Not So Picture Perfect" Adoption process.

Yes, it's been two years since we started the process. We have had many set-backs that go far beyond the scope of any PAP's imagination and yet, still, BUT GOD. HE has carried us through each set-back, each process, each delay with the understanding that ALL THINGS not some, but ALL THINGS come together and work together for our good because we are purposed in Christ Jesus.

When we yielded ourselves over to the adoption being God's will for us, we surrender all control (yes, even our emotions were surrendered) over to HIM and have allowed HIM to have HIS way, not ours. We decided to step out of the way and let the Master lead the way.

Yes, get anger, that is your right as a human and as a daughter of Abba-Our Father. Jesus himself said, be angry-just don't sin in your anger. So, yes, be anger, scream, yell, do whatever it takes to shed and release the burden...but in the end, know that your child is being well taken care of by nannies and a "special-mom" just as well as you or I can take care of them. Your child(ren) are being loved, not rejected. Children in the Foster Care Center are receiving the nurturing care that is required to thrive. Although abandoned or reliquished by their birth parents, your child is in good hands with women who adore children and would lay down their lives for children.

Allow that truth to be resolved in your heart and to comfort you during your wait time for a court date. Allow yourself the truth that, your child(ren) are having the opportunity to breath in their home country -Ethiopia a little while longer before it becomes a faded memory, a distant past in life's history.

Go on and cry and know that we are here on the other side, praying for you, lifting your case up before the LORD and rejoicing today for the good news you will receive soon. ***Having done all to stand-STAND***

Robin said...

Dear CocoPrincess's Mom:

I'm truly sorry if I offended or hurt you. That was not my intention.

Let me explain a few things that might help you understand where I am.

Pickle's adoption was delayed 1 1/2 years ago for the very same reason we are dealing with now -- an error on the paperwork. What is even more ironic, is the error is almost EXACTLY the same as it was a year and a half ago. Then, we waited over 2 1/2 months for courts to reopen and correct the problem.

We were on the wait THREE times for the second adoption. My dear MIL passed away right before we went on the wait list last May. Due to grief related issues that mu husband was dealing with, we took ourselves off the wait list twice last summer.

Although our wait from wait list date to referral seems short to most of you, it wasn't if you take into consideration that our original wait list date was May 17, 2007. I also believe that our referral came early than most because we wanted older siblings and believe we were already matched to these children when we put our adoption on hold for the second time last summer. I have no proof of this, just a feeling I have from the information I have about our children.

So,with all that said, I totally understand the inherent risk that comes with International adoption. Rationally, I'm an educated, intelligent woman and can get my arms around that without a problem. Emotionally, as a mom to two young children, three grown step-children, and a step-grandmom to two, I'm programmed to think and act like a Mom whose concern is for her children first. Yes....my children in Ethiopia are mine too......And because they are older than Pickle's was, they understand that they have a family waiting for them AND ask in montly updates "when are you coming for us?" Having been through an infant adoption, I can tell you from my experience that an older child(ren) adoption is much more difficult during the time of referral to travel because THEY do not understand why we aren't there to bring them home. And every day, my heart breaks for them.

I've also sat here for almost three months, watching 13 or so families receive referrals AND court dates while we still wait for our first court date. The average time to receive a court date in the last three months has between 4 and 6 weeks. Next week, it'll be 12 weeks of waiting for us with at least another week wait, probably 2 or 3 before we are actually assigned a court date.




I know, and have experienced first hand the love the caregivers have for our children. In one of my posts after our return with Pickles, there is a picture of my and Workenesh, both sobbing as we held her. There will never be words to describe the emotions and gratitude I felt and continue to feel for those amazing, amazing young women. They truly are saints.

LoveNotes4CocoPrincess said...

Hi Robin-

I pray you are feeling much better. No, I never took an offense to what you express as a personal attack. I'm a follower of your blog and so I know that was not your intention.

My comment was to remind you of what you have to look forward to as you surrender this whole process over to the LORD.

I've read your blog and know that you are a daughter of the KING, that our God is your Father and I know you understand that He cares about you and is concerned about everything little/tiny/minute thing that touches your heart.

What I didn't want you to do is to get so angry that you lose focus of who's in control and that HE has the timeline for your children in HIS hands.

Pray for their little hearts to be full of peace as the angels of the LORD watch over them (Psalm 91) and pray that they will rejoice as in Psalm 92. The LORD will give their little hearts perfect peace as you keep your mind steadily on the LORD.

You have been in my spirit for the past two days and I want you to know that I and several women prayed for you after our worship service today.

The paperwork that is holding everything up will be resolved just as it was in the past --- keep getting the rooms ready, keep getting the papers you'll need to travel with in order. Keep moving things along on your end and watch God do what He does best---.

Stay Encouraged and Keep pouring your heart before the LORD and know that we are still here waiting to hear you say---It's Finished!